Go

When I write my journal I title each entry with a whole lot of information. Information like where I am, what time and date it is and what I'm listening to. This information seems important to me, maybe so I can read back and draw on the elements that contributed to that moment, so that I can evoke my mind to go back there. Time, as they say is fleeting and it seems sad to think that moments pass and can not be revisited. It seems sad to think that all we have is memories and hopes.
This world really means nothing and the thought of living it for me, for moments, for my own personal gratification, when I think about it seems so useless, yet it's a trap I get caught in so often.
There is a better way, a greater calling and I doubt I'm up to it, but here I am, send me.

I can't change for them, I can't change for you and i can not change for me.
G-d you know I've tried to do all 3... I'm just me.
and you say you can stil use me? But no, no no no!
I give in.

You see the pain, you see it in their eyes,
and if sometimes you feel it too, that's so you can empaphise.
So go, go go go!

Dialogue

The mask is off and the face beneath is an ugly sight to behold, but atleast it's real, atleast it's me. Now i've stopped pretending, i might not be who i want to be, i might not like who i am right now, but i am honest about it and maybe now G-d can starting making this mess into something more like Him.

This is a conversation we had the other day, a sort of answer and reply.

i've just had a horriffic realisation, i am almost entirely selfish. i am self centered, self absorbed and self consumed, i think about me, talk about me, write about me, i do what i do for me and though i hate to admit it, i live for me. Each apparent selfless act is a disguise for the selfish motives with which it's done. Every sacrifice is done in a rediculous attempt to earn Your love and from a desire for self worth. Every kind word i say is said to make me liked and not to encourage the person to whom it's delivered. i long for worth, acceptance, clarrification of identity and love. All these are free gifts from You and yet i feel a need to earn them, i get so absorbed in this search i lose sight of anything beyond myself. Peter started to sink when he took his eyes of Jesus. i am sinking and i scream at You "what are You doing to me?" But i don't dare look You in the face through fear of seeing my shame in the light of Your perfection, and yet i know if i truly fixed my eyes on You all i'd see is Your perfection, that's all that would matter. G-d teach me to love, to truly love with the very depth and essence of the selflessness of the word. Teach me to fix my eyes on You alone and to let go of me, the preconcieved idea's of who i am.
Jesus have mercy on me.

"My love for you is never ending, you can not change it, you can not earn it or lose it. You put yourself down, hurt yourself and believe you deserve it. I pick you up, because in My eyes you are perfect. I won't stand for these cruel words of self doubt, in My eyes you are perfect and these words stand only to hurt what I created, who I love.
I am your rock, stand upon Me, I will never fail you, never let you down. Spend time with Me, I love to spend time with you. Learn to recognise My voice and listen to it, trust it. Walk in the paths I have laid out for you and you will forever be safe, safe in Me, safe in My arms. It's ok to hurt, to struggle, to even cry, the walk is hard but come to Me and I'll give you strength, take your hurt to Me and I'll heal you.
Listen to My voice, My gentle voice that stills the seas.
You are being tossed in the waves of but I will be your anchor."

What a beautiful G-d, what a gracious G-d, what an awesome G-d.

The journey ahead is full of promise.

Peace

Perspective

i tossed and turned on the waves of indecision, desperately searching for an anchor. When i stopped flailing i found i'd been sat on a rock the whole time.

Bright eyes, snow and never taken photographs.

Let the ambiguity remain.
Let me go.

Pour me out!

Sometimes i let all my inhibitions go. i open up, i'm confident and i'm me. Maybe i know who i am then, maybe i just don't care, i'm just happy to be. Almost inevitably at some point i get hurt and i run. i retreat back inside myself where it's safe, where my dreams comfort me and my blank face protects me, and if the face can't stay blank i'll grow a large beard and long hair so you can't see it.
i don't wanna run anymore, i want to wear my heart on my sleeve and leave it there, i want to give untill i have nothing left without hope of recieving anything in return, i want the pain to push me closer to G-d and not further from everything.
Pour me out!

A final goodbye

So i was sat in a coffee shop earlier today, as i love to do, and i noticed a man sat across from me. The creases in his tired face, the hat and coat he wore and the way he looked wind beaten all suggested he belonged at sea. i wanted to talk to him, i wanted him to tell me stories of ships and travelling confirming the past i'd imagined him for him. i was too much of a coward though, so his past remains a mystery to me, his stories remain untold and both me and him missed the chance for conversation, people connect far too little. i think the main force of fear that kept me pinned to my chair, my head stuck in my journal, was the fear of him disproving my theory. It would of saddened me to learn he spent his past working in a factory, he'd never left the city and the only stories he had to tell were of his struggle with the unrelenting hold of alcahol.
It got me thinkingn how G-d views his past. He knows him completely, He doesn't place preconceptions on him fearing that he would dissapoint, He knows who he is and He loves him for it. G-d would sit and listen lovingly whatever stories that man had to tell. i wish i'd spoken to him now, no, i wish i'd listened to him.

It's so foolish how i try to fool G-d and how i misunderstand Him. i have my preconceptions of how a "christian" should be and i falsely attribute those views to Him when He doesn't see me that way.
i've been starting to see recently how hard i am on myself,to qoute damien rice "G-d will forgive me but i whip myself scorn."

My hardest battle in life has been with depression, it's only recently i've submitted to use that word. After all how can a "christian" be depressed? Shouldn't G-d be everything? Doesn't that make me a failure? So i convince myself i'm fine and i, to use laura's very fitting words, beat my emotions into submission. i could never feel fine that way, the best i could do is not feel atall. i would close up and isolate myself, keeping distant anything (anyone) with the power to hurt me. i'd end up all alone just like i believe i should be. i came very close today to telling a good friend i didn't want to see her, speak to her or spend time with her anymore, simply because i care about her too much.

G-d spoke to me this morning, He said to stop taking matters into my own hands, to stop trying to heal myself, to stop trying to deal with those hurts in my own temporary way and to let Him bring lasting healing, but right now it seems like He's holding me in the most painful place and He wont let me leave till i learn the lesson i'm here to learn and i'm screaming at him "what do you want from me?" How can i not run away from this place? You can't blame me. When the depression's at it's worst i don't eat or sleep, right now i haven't eaten for hours, it's half 1 in the morning and i'm preparing myself for a night of watching films, sat alone, drinking rediculous amounts of coffee. There must be more than this. You can't blame me for dissapearing into my mind, to another place. Isolation's so lonely, it's so dangerous, but it feels so safe. In my mind i can be who i want to be, who i think i should be. i can be the perfect "christian", i can be funny, interesting, caring, a great musician. i can be a master of words, confident and the person everyone wants to spend time with. The person i can be in my dreams is not the person G-d made me to be, it's not how G-d see's me, but yet He still loves me. He wants to show me why and i want to learn.

No idea

Love in it's purest form is completely selfless, you care not for yourself. When it hurts so much to see how blatantly the feelings you have aren't returned then that love is flawed. G-d please fix me.

The sky, meant to fly.

i just saw the most beautiful sky, it was red and i caught sight of it through the bare branches of a tree. It would of usually made me smile, but it didn't, it seemed to drown me in sadness, it made me feel useless like i was comparing myself to it and found myeslf to be far more inferior. i gazed at it for about 5 minutes, my eyes fixated on the image that had been presented to me. i thought about how distant the sky was, how even though i could see it, i could not touch it, i could not possess it. In my moment of despondence i called out to G-d, then as if it was His answer (and i'm quite sure it was) the song "mountains high" by delirious was selected to play on my mp4 player.

"Sorrow came to visit us today
Was the longest day, was the loneliest day
Sorrow came to steal our hope away
Only tears can tell
Of this holy hour

This mountain's high, too high for us
This mountain's high, too high for us
Too high

Sorrow came quicker than a fire
Was the longest day, was the loneliest day
I feel your hand, the warmth, your sweetest smile
But you slipped away, through the great divide

This mountain's high, too high for us
This mountain's high, too high for us
This mountain's high, too high for us
This mountain's high, too high for us
Oh yeah
You know I'll make it

Your ways are high, too high for us
Your ways are too high, too high for us
Your ways are too high, too high for us
Your ways are too high, too high

Only you
only you
only you can pull me over it

Only you
only you
only you can pull me over it

Pull me, drag me, hold me, keep me, walk me while
you pull me over it
Take me, heal me, make me, break me, love me while
you pull me over it
Take me, heal me, make me, break me, love me while
you pull me over it"

Perfect.

There is a scripture that talks about G-d raising us up on wings like eagles. Maybe i can't reach the sky but G-d can, through Him i can.

i also remembered how when me and lydia broke up all those years ago she told me that she was holding me back and she said the words "you were meant to fly". Those words have stayed with me.
i'm meant to fly, i know that's true, to rise up through G-d much farther than i can reach, to rise up above this darkness.

Shalom

Way out?

i am quite certain my problems are nothing and yet they are all i seem to think about. i'm quite sure my life is only a small part of the jigsaw yet it consumes me.
It's not even life that consumes me but the waiting, waiting for life to start like it will when the band starts gigging and recording, when i have enough money to get all the things i want, when my friends finally realise how witty i actually am, when i actually get round to tidying my room and putting my CD's back in order and get up to date on my guitar practice and finish all those books i started and call those friends i haven't seen in ages and find a girl who can't stop thinking about me and when i learn to drive and when i've finally been to America and and and and... oh this is tiresome.

Your ways are not our ways.

This is the first writing of any sort i've done in a few days, which is strange for me. i try to make a daily habit of writing in my journal and i try to spend time with G-d and a notepad to write down what He says but a spell of very bad flu has left me with nothing to do but lay in my bed and hope for it to pass, even writing was to much. Yesterday morning when it was at it's worst i was trying to send a friend a text and had to give up because lifting my arm and using my fingers was far too much work. i have never in my life felt as weak as i did then! i got angry, the idea of this weekend away was to pray, get closer to G-d, let go of those things in my life i hold back from Him and i just ended up feeling extremely ill. The negative thoughts about myself that i try so hard each day to reject came on strong and i didn't have the energy to stop them, i was a mess, both inside and outside. i even said to G-d about the band "send someone else, it's such a good vision and you need a better man than me". i then started to cry everytime those words came back in to my mind, i haden't cried in a long time so that was strange. Then Dario, one of the 3 Germans i've been sharing a flat this weekend and have become good friends with prayed for me. Not long after i finnally fell asleep and woke up feeling better (i even had the energy to pick up my phone from where it had been discarded and finish the text). G-d pointed me back to a bible verse i'd been reading the day before. It said "In your weakness I am strong"
i remember now that i prayed "G-d make me so weak that only You can be my strength." A dangerous prayer that He took very literally.
It was only when i was prayed for that my strength started to return, it was only Him who drove out those negative thoughts from my mind. i woke up feeling positive and only He could of done that. And as for the prayer about the band well my friend Laura said "The fact that it hurts to say give my vision to someone else shows it's yours." G-d has given me this vision and i may not be the best musician or the strongest leader, but in my weakness He is strong.
i'm so good at trying to do everything in my own strength and i'm also very good at failing, even this weekend i came to Leeds with many idea's of how to get closer to G-d, how foolish, He had a better plan.
Anyway i'm still recovering slowly so i'm going to go rest.
i've been typing this on a german laptop and the keyboard's very different, so i apolagise if there's any funny symbols or z's where y's should be.
Peace.

but, oh no

You say i'm the safe place you go when you're weak,
what makes you belive i'm so strong?
Even the rocks have secrets they don't speak
and stones bleed when everyone is gone

but oh no, you have no idea.

My stubborn lips and indifferent eyes,
the only part i'll let you see,
while you moan about those unfaithful guys,
each one is better than me

but oh no, you have no idea.

i wrote a letter on tatty brown pages
in a notebook i closed like my mouth.
When like me they've been her for ages
they'll start looking for a way out.
i might tear out that note and throw it in the fire,
i may throw myself in too,
and you'll watch the smoke rise higher and higher
taking me away from you

but, oh no, you'll have no idea.

Or perhaps i'll take that secret from the book where it's sealed
and slip it through your front door
where untill it's secret is revealed,
it will wait upon your porch floor

and you'll say oh no, i had no idea.
But it doesn't change a thing, oh not one thing.
i could never change a thing!

G-d is love, G-d is hope, but i'm also convinced He has a sense of humour and it's often the words we speak without thought or reverance that He holds us to and later reminds us of when we ask Him quite what He thinks He's doing.
i don't think i'll ever understand His plans, they are far beyond me but right now i have an idea and i don't like it.

i am not loving, i am not selfless, i am not kind, Godly or anything like it, sometimes i'm scared i'll become too good at pretending i am. G-d i'm a sinner, but won't You take my life, take my pride and make me more like You and won't you let the world see it's You and not me.

i had a scare the other day, a reality check. The two big things G-d has laid on my heart. One, the lost, those who are searching for Him, or searching for something not knowing it's Him. Two, the church and all it's flaws right now, this constant need we feel in Britian to pretend we're perfect and have all the answers. i stand before G-d and in my arrogance say "i think you're there but i'm not reallys sure, and i am a sinner and i'm sorry but if you could just make sure no one knows that would be great. By the way i'd like to help the lost and those people in church who pretend to be better than they are make me angry so i'd like to do something about that too." It doesn't quite figure does it? Yet still G-d in His grace says ok, and when the oppurtunities arrive, as was evident the other day, i freak out majorly and cry out to G-d "i can't do this". i don't know how He has the patience for me, but He's G-d i don't understand most of what He does and i take comfort in that.

G-d is good and the sacrifices i make for Him aren't really sacrifices atall. i have seen so many of His promises fullfilled recently and i'm excited about what He's going to do next. G-d is good.
Peace

G-d pull me out

Isn't life interesting? Isn't it full of surpises? Don't you always end up in the same place feeling the same way? Very possibly. As I sit here listening to Damien Rice and reading an e-mail from a friend talking about the awesome things G-d's doing in his life i'm not sure if it's the music, the shame of my own lacking faith or a mixture of both, but it's bringing me close to tears. Blurry eyes don't seem so bad when all you can see is darkness anyway, not that i've cried for years. G-d pull me out of here. I know you already have, help me believe it.

The thought for today

What we percieve as reality is only infact a product of our filtered minds. We choose our words and actions based on how we want to be seen or heard and not how we want to act or what we want to say.
What we see as truth is infact false and manufactured.
If human minds were totally exposed then we'd see ourselves for what we really are, then we'd realise our need for G-d's grace and why His love is so amazing.

Nothing else matters

I just read a friend's blog. She spoke about how when people see her they don't see her but who she wants them to see, how we are all such good actors. It scared me. In so many ways I believe I wear my heart on my sleeve, in here, in my songs, in letter and in my journal I express thoughts and feelings, I open up. I sometime's even feel ashamed of the things I say. But what about when I'm not expressing, what about when I'm just being, who am i then? Indeed who am i? I am no one. I had a conversation with a friend today about boundaries and she asked me if I'm as careful about being appropite when I'm with other girls as I am with her or if I'm doing it to respect the boundaries she stands by. Though I don't think I am dreadfully innapropiate in any of my friendships the answer to the question was the latter. That says alot of good for her but puts a serious question mark upon myself! Where are my boundaries? What standards do I stand by? I have some, but up to a certain extent I will set the marker where the other person says stop. I feel I should explain this has more to do with closeness and openess,more than other things you may associate with boundaries and standards. In so many ways I don't have my own rules to live by and end up living by those around me, surely this is just an attempt toward acceptance. It means I am a different person whoever I'm around, even to my humour. I don't have my own humour that you can say is mine but I adapt to other peoples, is the same true of my personality? Have I become so ashamed of who I am that I've pushed that down and covered it up with this person I feel people will accept. I want to remember who it is, I want to let that person out again. I feel the answer to this lies in creativity, in my writing my songs, my blogs. It's the only space the person I am gets to breathe, it's where I feel real. In that conversation with my friend today there was one I thing I wanted to say but couldn't or atleast didn't, for fear of ruining her perecption of me, her perception of our friendship. Yet if it was in a song I'd not hesitate to say it. Maybe that's because in a song I can hide it in imagery, take away the meaning from other peoples eyes and express it while it stays safe inside my mind alone, or is it more than that? If I felt despair in life I'd put on a brave face. If in music I'd contort my face, I'd cry out, I'd fling my body desperately around without care of damage. How can I be two so different people? How can I be me? I guess it's small steps, I know one I can take next, I'm just not sure if I will.
It's strange how I'm aware that people will read this and their minds will be filled with thoughts contributing towards a perception of me based on what I've wrote, and I don't even care. Yet, if I spoke this, if this was a conversation, I could never say it.
But is it this part of me I want to express, no! Beyond this, deeper than this and just as hidden is a love for people, a love for God, a love for those He loves. This, though I love to catch in songs, more so I want to flow through in my life, in everything I say, everythin I do, everything I am. Without barriers, without exception, without excuses. That's who I was made to be, that's who I should be, nothing else matters.

Grace

A friend recently showed me a video a friend made for her to wish her a happy birthday. The video was funny and alot of effort had obviously gone into it. I feel that most people's selfish reaction here would of been to think "I don't have anyone who would do that for me" or to qoute the film Brick - "Maybe I see what you're trying to do for her and I don't know anybody who would do that for me". I had a reaction of another kind, "I would never be able to do that for anyone else." This is not selflessness but just another sort of selfishness, it seems that I thrive on appreaciation, grattitude and the praise of others, I want to be liked and appreciated and am constantly dissapointed by my unworthyness to earn this.
What I find both wonderful and frustrating about God's love is the freedom with which it is given! It can't be earned, and yet i constantly try, but even if I did try my very upmost I would still never be able to earn it. So these attempts always fail and leave me frustrated and in a place where I have no choice but to turn to grace and am amazed by it everytime.
When I spent some time in a Hari Krishna temple I noticed most of the monks had orange paint like stuff smeared down the bridge of their nose. I asked Caitanya why this way and he told me that it represents the holy ground which is put on their faces to symbolise the commitment of their body's as holy temples to God. Yet even in this commitment, in this strict religious lifestyle, God's love cannot be earned, what hope do I have of earning it?
My body is constantly used for selfishness, my mouth speaks profanities, my hands deal in sin and my eyes fix on things they should turn away from, yet God chooses to use this body to share His love with others, to do His will and He see's not this sin, but only the love He has for me, such grace I can not comprehend.
The other day as a friend prayed for me God spoke through her and told me that He does not count my sins against me but it is I who counts them against myself, while I see myself falling short, He forgives me and loves me. As me and my friends sat there on my bedroom floor we were just moved with love for God, a love that only He made possible and we just started to speak out prayers of praise in reaction.
Let my life be lived in such a reaction of praise to You God.
Shalom

"No lies, just love"

So Christ died for me and he calls me to die for Him, not in the physical, atleast he hasn't asked that yet, but day to day to die to my will, to my desires and follow after His. Giving up my life to serve Him, but when i do that i realise that i never had life in the first place, and when i give my life to Him, i find true life. i have true life, living and walking in it, that alone should excite me for eternity. So why does that death that comes with putting my life back in my own hands and following after my desires seem so appealing? i carry my desires with me like something i'll never need weighing down on me.
I have a tendency to stuff my bag to the point of near bursting when i go anywhere, with things i'll never need, but carry round incase i do, but will it really matter that infact I'm in the mood for reading something funny on the bus but only have "1984" and a Music Tech magazine on me?
"And she'd always weighed me down, but afraid I might need her, I dragged her around." - mewithoutYou
How those words scare me right now with their relevance. I carry round the weight of desires for things that G-d said no to along time ago, but i still constantly look, wait and hope for something to change there. When G-d says something will happen, when it's in His will, even when things look like they'll never happen that way, you can keep believing, because He's G-d, He can do what He wants and His word is final. When G-d says no, you're trusting in chance, yourself or someone else for these things to happen and that's hopeless already but as things prove to go further and further from that the hopelessness grows. It's like I'm walking happily along in this life that G-d has called me to live and then I catch a glimpse of old desires I'd given up to Him when I said "i will follow you" and in this twisted perspective that life looks better, so i run after it, or atleast long for it, and always end up hurt and dissapointed. Crawling back to Him, in shame and emberrassment, begging for forgiveness and asking for another chance to walk upon His path again. He never looks at me with shame though, He should be so ashamed of me, but He never is, just love........just love.
"So I'd like to make some changes, before you arrive, so when your new eyes meet mine they won't see no lies, Just love, just love." - Bright Eyes.
i'm not sure of the relevance of those lyrics, but they came to mind and i like them alot, so they're in.
I guess what i'm trying to say is when G-d says let go then let go. G-d called me once to throw away all my CD's which were having a negative effect on me, it was hard and I resisted for a while but in the end I did and subsequently He filled my collection with lots of music so much better than i had before and this time having a positive effect on me, and more than that He gave me a calling and said as this music's helped you, make music to help others. That's a path i'm walking along with excitement and anticipation, but what if i'd chosen my path? What if i'd of kept the angry music, the depressing music and all the other negative songs that i let infaltrate my mind, what kind of mess would i be now? i imagine a much bigger one than i currently am.
That reassures me to think of right now, it seems when G-d calls you to do something He doesn't let you see everything straight away, you just have to trust Him that it's all going to be ok. G-d called me to make music for Him and share Him with others and i said ok, i mean after all i love music, i love people and i love Him, it seemed like the obvious choice. But i also said "G-d, there's not much money in music, there's not much chance of ever making it past the pubs and i don't want to be left over 30 and unemployed or working in some crappy factory job or something." So i went to college and G-d let me and in someways i learned so much there. The bible says that "G-d uses all things for the good of those who love Him" (or something similer to that) and he used me going to college. But when i went back this year and then the band started, i was trying to work to buy equipment for the band, learn songs for the band, do guitar lessons and practice for the band, prepare lyrics and song structures, make band practices, do a leadership course so that i could learn to lead the band more effectively, spend that integral daily time in prayer and in His word and do college, it was all a bit too much and the stress near destroyed me at times. It wasn't just the lack of time, but it was the way i felt all the time, like i was choked, like nothing could really move or flow in my mind, because it was full of all things i needed to do, that doesn't make creativity very easy or natural and forced creativity isn't very creative atall. It was clear this wasn't G-d's plan for me and as i thought and prayed about it the safety net had to go, my life is in His hands and if His calling fails i no longer have my own plan to fall back on, but really my own plan never had to be there, His plans never fail! Even though quitting college has been a scary experience so far, it's all coming together so perfectly and as i get closer to Him, learn to trust Him more and more, and see Him working more as i have again and again in the past, i know this place will become more and more secure.
Jeremiah Chapter 29 Verse 11 - "For I know the thoughts that I think towards you says The Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."
Shalom.

I'm gone

All the time you were here you were so far away, so it came as no suprise to hear you say,
"I'll be leaving soon for a louder city, where they can't hear me cry and the noise drowns out my pity."
As I tried to think of words to mark your leaving, some kind of goodbye banner that I was weaving.....
I noticed my mouth was moving,
I noticed my words, I felt your stare, as what I spoke fouled the cold night air.
"All the time you were here your bags were packed, so if you're leaving now, don't come back."
I watched you as you struggled through your tears, to put the car into gear, and as our eyes met through the rear view mirror.... I turned away.

Well you said you'd write and I said don't you dare, it's so easy to pretend you don't care...when you do.
So I still watch my porch waiting for that letter, hoping for words telling how your life got better.
Cause I still think of mine and if I could take them back, well maybe you'd think about coming back.
I know you're not coming back.
And maybe soon I'll leave for a quiter city, where they can hear me cry, and the car's don't drown out my pity.
So they'll know to never be like me.
Goodbye my friends I'm gone.

I could watch these people all night, sometimes I do. My dreams, their reality, for me they never come true.
It's cold in this city, it's about time I left, time brings no conclusions, I just count away every breath.
Do I really have so little? Do i really need that much? Is everything I need something I can't touch?
The tangible never seems enough but I can't seem to find this thing they call love,
and who are they to tell me what I need? To try and dictate what I believe?
I think I'd rather believe there's no right path except the one I'm on.
I'll just keep moving, goodbye my friends I'm gone.

What to do....?

I'm currently passing time in the college library and thought I'd do so writing my blog. It doesn't feel right to write something so personal in such a public place, even something that is open to public viewing. Nobody's reading over my shoulder I'm sure but I'm concious they are. Why am I so afraid of being judged or ridiculed by some unknown anyway, is my identidy really that insecure, i fear yes.
So the band has continued to go well, really well infact, better than I could have imagined and I've done alot of imagining. I here these words in my head constantly. "Greater things are yet to come", that excites me.
I spoke in church yesterday about the band, a little about what we're doing and why, mainly sharing the vision and giving a call out for support in prayer and for a possible drummer. At the end 2 people came up to speak to me, neither a drummer but both with exciting things to say. One was a woman who said that the whole time i was speaking she had some words from the bible going through her head, i don't remember what she said exactly and i haven't searched for it so i'm paraphrasing but it was something like "you make the Lord's face radiate", that was a truly encouraging word to hear. The second was a guy called Ben, who I'd met before briefly I believe. He said that he said, that G-d had given him the gift of music and he wanted to give it back to Him, he was a guitarist so didn't solve our drummer problem but He was clearly onboard with the vision so we've invited him along to the next practice.
Having an extra guitarist bring so many positives, we have more to play around with and can add alot of extra elements, but does 3 guitarists really work? Can we make it work? If anyone's gonna step back it's going to be me, he's a better guitarist than me, he sings aswell and probably does that better than me too. Am I going to be pushed out? Do I feel threatened. Indeed the place I am in the band is because G-d put me there and has nothing to do with ability. It still plays on my mind though. If this band is about G-d and not me I have to put my pride aside, my wills and my desires don't count. Does that mean I should step back and fill the gap the absent drummer leaves? After all what's the point in 3 guitarists and no drummer when one of those guitarists plays drums? But then it's imperative in what we're doing to be passionate about what you're doing, passionate about G-d, passionate about music and passionate about the music you're playing for Him. I don't think I could feel that passion when stuck behind a drum kit, it's just not where i wanna be, does that mean that i'm doing this for my sake, for my pride and not for G-d?
All these questions are going through my head and i don't know what to do. Good job it's not up to me to work it all out. i guess i should let go and let it go where it goes. G-d has it under control after all.
Peace be with you.

Jesus have mercy on me

I don't think I ever really deal with problems, or let go of attatchments, or heal my wounds, or let out my frustration. People keep telling me how calm I am, I don't feel calm. I had a good open chat with Steve, the st nics vicar, the other day. He was suprised by my confessed struggles and commented that I've always come across as strong and assured. I was glad to hear him say that, I want to appear strong, I want to appear fine, but at the same time I want people to see how I really feel, I want someone to help, but I don't want to admit any weakness either. It's this constant fear and presumption of peoples perception of me that both cuts me down in the first place and then leaves me there, unable to ask for help.
I've tried to fight on my own for years and never really got over it, I've developed coping tactics sure, but even they're starting to scare me, this slowly dissapearing bottle of jd is the one that scares me the most.
I can write it in here, because no one reads it right? I know they do, but they can't. That would mean someone actually took interest in me and cared enough to spend time reading the words I wrote, and I can't believe that. I know people care, but I don't beleive they do, how does that even work? Just like how can I be so strong and so weak at the same time?
And where does G-d fit in all of this? He's there right? Loving and caring as always? Loving and caring everyone but me. G-d's love for me is worth everything, but it's just another place where what I believe and what I know to be true contradicts and I'm not really sure how, or how to change it.
I wish I could cry, or breakdown, or lose my temper, anything to let all this out and prove to myself I can still feel.
I've just realised, it doesn't matter how I feel, it matters what I do, G-d says to love others and that He loves us and that He will be with us and help us as we do. So that's what I do. Give everything I can to love G-d and love these people He loves so much. Noting else matters, least of all how I feel! I'm gonna take all this pain, all this frustration, all this numbness and I'm gonna pour myself out at His feet, I'm not sure how but I'm gonna do it, and I'm gonna ask Him to give me His heart, teach me to feel how He feels, Love how He loves, isn't that the only thing worth feeling after all? So I'm numb to the world, what better place is there to be?
Jesus have mercy on me...

Vision

i've been accused of sounding sad, that made me sad. i don't intend to come across negative and i don't usually percieve things in a negative light either, i guess it's just when i do that i decide to write. So today i am making an effort to write about something positive, something that's been making me very happy recently.

I've mentioned briefly in previous blogs about my new band, so far unnamed, though we have a few idea's, I just wanted to give a little tesitmony that explains a bit about why it means so much to me.

Growing up I was always a huge football fan, so it was a little bit of a strange turn when music started taking over as my first priority, but as strange a transition as it was it was a quick one and soon instead of collecting football shirts it was my CD collection that was fast growing. All sorts of different music found it's way in and a lot of it was very unhealthy and it was changing me. The swearing would enter my vocab, the anger would influence me to share desires for revenge and the sexual references would turn my mind to less than pure matters. My relationship with G-d became an inconvenience forcing me to do what I didn't want to do and let go of what I wanted to hold on too. Subsequently our times together became rare and my life became a tragic rebellion. Despite it all G-d kept calling me, calling me to do what I least wanted to do, let go of this music that was destroying me and turn to Him. Eventually after much destruction and realisation I reluctantly let go. Many CD's were taken from the rack and thrown in the bin. What was left was a DC Talk CD, a Delirious CD and a few others that I didn't really care much to listen too. This was the first point at which I knew that me and music was a pair G-d had chosen to match together. Probably less than a week later I was speaking to my friend Will. He started telling me about people playing really heavy music and doing it for G-d, this seemed a very strange idea to me and I was really interested to hear, having no idea of the huge change it was going to bring into my life. From the moment I heard I was hooked and bands of all sorts of different great music being played for G-d started to build up my new CD collection. Just like the music I was listening to before it was influencing the way I lived, thought and felt, but this time for the good. What followed was a very hard year, a relationship I was in fell apart, my parents split up, I started to fall into strong feelings of sadness and lost a lot of self confidence. It was a real testing time and this music took me through the whole way, helping me discover who I was, helping me grow and continually pointing me towards G-d. One band in particular that became particuarly meaningful to me was mewithoutYou and when I found out they were coming to the UK i had to see them, I had to meet Aaron (Vocals). So I did, I went to the show, I found Aaron and stood outside the venue talking to him for like 2 long and beautiful hours. He said so much but there was some words in particular that stuck with me. I told him how much his words had meant to me and helped me and he said to know that his lyrics, that his experiences had helped one person made all the pain he'd felt worth it and every word he wrote worth it, what a beautiful thing to say, I was almos in tears, though I fought to keep it together. It was in that moment that I knew what I was called to do, who I was called to be. I wanted to be standing there in the future and be able to say those words Aaron said to me to someone else. From this moment music was my calling. I started learning, playing, listening and writing. Badly, but slowly improving, hopefully. I started praying for people to share the vision, and I had bands, at times "christian" bands but the vision in some way was always compromised. The last year I've spent without a band, just trying to write, just trying to practice and desprately praying for someone to write, practice and play with. A prayer G-d waited along time to answer, but know through St.Nics I have met and indeed found Mike and Lucas, two great guys, great friends and great musicians. Two people who share the vision, who share a love for music and a love for G-d. We are still waiting on a drummer but we've started writing, practicing and praying together and it's been an amazing experience so far. I can't wait to see what G-d does next and I just pray our music can glorify Him and help others get closer to Him.
Peace be with you.
Joshua

He is contentment!

It's strange how contentment can turn in to longing in a second. A memory brought back by a song or a photo, the sighting of something you want or just the realisation of something you don't have. In that second the life that previously felt satisfying and rewarding suddenly becomes empty and despondent. Why is this? How can perspective change so fast?

I have things I love that I don't have in my life, like a friend I know I can call anytime and know I can have a real chat with or a car I can get into and know I can just drive to anywhere. There are things I used to have or have experienced in the past that have gone and I miss, like long late night conversations with someone you feel completely open with or sitting round a campfire with an acoustic guitar.
I know I don't need these things because I'm happy not to have them when I don't think about them but when they come too mind they bring with them a longing.

I also have many thing I love that I do have in my life, I do have a good group of friends, I know have a band that I'm really excited about, I have music and most of all I have G-d. These things bring me joy and when I'm involved or thinking about them contentment, so alone they are enough to make me happy. I have G-d who no one can take away from me and as long as He is my focus I am happy. So when I feel a sadness for what I don't have or a longing I need only thing about what I do have, I need only think about G-d, this is all the contentment I need.

Forgotten

It's strange how things can change so suddenly. My blog the other day seemed so positive and I really believed at the time it would be the great change and the new start I needed. Now I sit alone in my room with only Bright Eyes and Jack Daniels to keep me company trying to chase away a sadness that will simply not die.
I guess I will never be free of this.
No need for clever words tonight, just a simple truth.
God is good but it seems for all the world like he's forgotten about me and he's not alone...unlike me.

Time to change

I have just been out taking my usual spot in the field, lying on the grass below the wall staring up at the stars and the full moon shining out, admiring that wonderful glow the moon gives to a dark field that I love so much. As I lay there listening to Manchester Orchestra I felt a sudden need for silence so took off the headphones and turned off the small electrical device that they were attatched to. The silence started to speak to me, or I should say G-d spoke through the silence, thoughts became clear and revelations followed, revleations about myself. I started to think about a friend and something became clear to me, the reason she's been on my mind alot. Something I decided to do everytime I thought about her was to stop my thoughts turning selfish, to my own hopes was pray for her, it really helped, but I realise now that's exactly why she was there, for me to pray for her. I wrote a poem once called Amy about this guy who failed to share the hope he had in G-d with this girl because he gave in to the selfish desires he had. We have that choice with every person we meet, there's always something we can take, or we can give, we give this amazing selfless Love G-d's put in our heart, we can give encouragement and hope. I got so caught up in what I wanted to take I forgot this. There's something special about her, obviously everyone's special and G-d has amazing plans for us all, but I just see it when I look at her. It's not just her selflessness and kindness but it's also this shine, I know it sounds clisshe (however you spell that word) but her face just shines a joy that's so amazing to see. I think that's what I saw that I wanted so much, that joy. A friend once told me that I had the same thing, no matter if I was tired, upset or whatever I had a brightness about me. I lost that! Through things that I have no need to go into I just lost it, I lost hope in me, in who G-d created me to be and I turned into a cynic. I got called cynical twice this week, once by dad and then by my mum, that's a wake up call, a Christian cynic, something's not right there. I also got told recently by someone I have a great respect for that I've lost something, they said I had such promise when I was this 16 year old kid leading a prayer and study group, encouraging others and praying for them, just in love with G-d and hungry to see what He could do through me, and I lost it. It was my 21st birthday this week and I actually went to an effort to hide it from people, so hardly any of my friends knew, because I didn't want people to "celebrate" me and I convinced myself this was humility, but it wasn't! It was like I wanted to be miserable, like I thought I deserved it, so a mostly unnoticed birthday seemed appropiate, maybe that only makes sense to me, I'm not even sure it does. I want to change, I will pray for that brightness back and I will commit every part of me to serve G-d and love others selflessly.
I'm thankful for this life G-d has given me, all the friends He has given me, the beautiful things like music and the fun things like football :) G-d has blessed me so much, now it's time to start living like it. For the first time in a long time, I'm thankful for who G-d created me to be. Although I kept talking to G-d and He was part of my life I kept so much from Him and lived my own way things are changing now and I'm sorry to anyone who's witnessed my selfishness, not that it wont happen again, but I'm gonna now live with my eyes fixed on Him and if I turn away I will turn back, He is my purpose and that is more than words.
Praise be to G-d!
Shalom.

Maybe I'm bipolar

I've been thinking maybe I'm bipolar
but I don't want medication, no tar.
I've done just fine on my own so far
with Jack Daniels, my books and these songs.

My old man says my synicism will fade
when I find a woman who stays.
The doctors have only given him a few more days
to watch me prove him wrong.

G-d told me our images were the same
and that my drinking gave Him a bad name,
but I refused to take responsibility or the blame,
we haven't spoken much since that day.

I love long train rides into new cities
where behind my headphones I swim in self pity
watcing the people so busy
chasing their lives away.

I long for a chat with a close friend,
one of those nights you hope don't end
and you believe your problems can mend
atleast for an hour or two.

I know lust is the great Christian killer
and my G-d she makes me a sinner,
but the sweat makes her skin seem to glimmer,
what do you expect me to do?

A thing of the past

She reminds me of myself the way she clings to me the way I clung to her untill I got hurt and I don't want that to happen to her.

So keep away, it's not yours to touch, it's not yours to hold, we're all alone and we're all growing old, so just let go.

We connect in the dark, we ignite a spark, as I sigh she groans, pressing bones to bones.

As she collapses in a heap I watch her still lifeless skin, so frail so thin and like this bond we share it will never last, life has a way of changing too fast.

We spill our seed inside vessels that wont last untill the future becomes a thing of the past.

I seem to be asking a lot of questions today. I guess I feel the need for answers. I start this blog in the same manner.

Is there always a darkness in obsession? I've been thinking about T.V shows and how people get so addicted to them, I'm no exception, and I'll tell you why. We become the people we watch and escape from our own nightmares. For the moment that show is on I identify with the pretense on screen and have temporary relief from my own pain. Is it the same for everyone or is that just me?

I need to stop listening to bright eyes.

Peace, wherever it is found, however it is obtained, or is it freely given?

Everything seems to end and nothing seems to start.

As usual I come here after some time meaninglessly browsing facebook and listening to acoustic music that usually has a negative effect on my mood. If my blogs usually/often take a negative tone that's why. The things I speak about I generally look at with a fairly positive perspective, but when i come to express my thoughts in these blogs my mindset has shifted and the negative thoughts that were previously nagging at the back of my mind find an open path to pour out through my fingertips.
At current I have hit some serious confusion! I'm not really sure what path I'm on, never mind what path I need to take, all I know is this path seems to be leading to so many dead ends and no knew paths are appearing. Everything seems to end and nothing seems to start.
Last week I was asked to leave the band I was drumming in and Kevin messaged me to say he was working full time and can't carry on working on the ep at the moment. I'm still writing songs but I have neither the ability nor the facilities to anything with them. I miss being part of a band, I mean really being part, an integral part, it's been a long time now.
It's not just the music though obviously that was a huge part, I loved writing and I loved performing and recording but more than that I loved the unity. There's something beauty about the relationship you have with the other band members, it's a deep friendship, a joining, an understanding and a constant support. To be involved in such a unit gives such hope, purpose and joy, I miss it. I do have some awesome friends thought, tonight Fran and Shanks came over and we watched Ross Noble which was fun and very much a giggle. I feel like I'm becoming quite close friends with them, especially since the weeks camp. I'm very grateful for their friendship. Mike has been around recently and his faith has been an inspiration to me and again it's a priveleged friendship. There are many others too, I am very blessed and G-d is awesome.
Peace.

"Less yesterday, more today" Part 2

I'm currently listening to Kevin Devine, his music makes me sad, it's beautiful and not particuarly dark but my mind attatches thoughts and memorys to it that bring me down. But here I am listening so obviously a part of me wants to relive those memories, or do I like this sadness, maybe I take comfort in it or maybe the music's so beautiful that the sadness doesn't matter. Aaron Weiss wrote a song titled "The cure for the pain is in the pain" maybe that's the answer, maybe I'm letting myself drop down here in search of an answer to why I'm so susceptible to fall like this, or that I identify with the songs and feel I can express myself throug them, thus letting go of the sadness, hopefully. I think they're all right.
Anyway I got distracted I started writing this to further explore and explain the thoughts I was having and writing in here yesterday. After I signed out my mind ran wild with theory's ideas and some of what I thought to be truths. I started to see some clarity, or at least a light that was shining in it's general direction.
I got to thinking about a conversation I had with my friend Laura the other day. We were talking about gifts and what we thought ours were. I was saying about how I often try to look deep inside myself and explain every negative feeling that intrudes, tracing it back to the heart and identifying a problem there, I guess there's where it comes to the healing process and G-d has to take over there. She said she thought this was a gift and one that can be used to help other people. This explains to me why I write this and why I hope people will read it. This gives an insight in to that very process that goes on in my mind and maybe as I try to understand myself more I can help people understand theirselves too. Paul talks about not boasting in anything but Christ, I will boast in Christ and I will take pride in Him. I will express and use without shame the gifts he has given me (wether that be writing, thinking, music or anything else,) and hope that he blesses them and that they glorify Him. It would fill my heart with joy to see you do the same. G-d has given us a variety of gifts to use to worship Him and share Him with others, if we all started doing this what a beautiful picture it would paint, wont you join me on this canvas.
I think I might post a link to this blog on facebook. The mist is clearing and I'm starting to see who G-d's made me to be and I'm so grateful to be this person. G-d's an amazing artist.

I was just talking to my mum about my brother and how he has so much musical talent and yet seems to squander it with lack of passion or desire to do anything with it. If I only had such talent, oh the things I would love to do with it. When I was a child I never took the time to learn an instrument as I was obsessed with football, seriously it was my whole life. Now I regret that and wish I had took the time to learn and get good at guitar, piano, music theory and anything else that can lead to making creative sounds. Then I thought, "Less yesterday, more today" (Thanks Kevin) It's time to start working, start practicing and start getting good, and all for His glory.

Peace be with you friends.

"Less yesterday, more today."

It's been a while since I've written in here. The knowledge that no one reads it left the pages of my journal seeming more relevent and recieving.
I'm not moaning that no one reads it I don't exactly make an effort to publicise it. As it the case with so many of the thoughts I have in my mind, the things I do and the music I both listen to and play I long to share it with others but any effort to do so seems vain and prideful. This is a struggle my mind engages in on a day to day basis. A thought has just occured to me. Shouldn't everything I do be for G-d and not for the approval of man. G-d sees all things regardless of wether it's posted in a facebook status or not and if someone happens to come across my blog or hear one of my songs then that's a bonus but it's not an incentive for doing it and I guess before it's shared with other people I should check my motives. It's something to be aware of even though it leaves so many questions unanswered, for now I like the idea that if someone cares to ask, search or just stumbles across it then there is a small insight into my mind to be found, in all it's confusion. If you are reading this I guess you fit into one of those categories.
I find myself growing jealous of those who have a large receptive audience to express whatever they feel too. If I did have such an audience would I desire to express myself or G-d's love. I fear the answer and that is possibly the reason G-d has not granted me such an audience.
For now and forever all that matters is Him, I will search Him and get lost in Him.
Is expression and sharing of self vanity? It fills me with joy to see and hear others doing it but I feel guilty when I do so myself.
Peace be with you.

I'm starting to wonder why i continue to write this when no one ever reads this. I used to find it comforting to have this place to just type and express and wever people read it or not made no difference to me. I guess now I feel cut off from people and words lost to no recipitents seems to be a common experience and another place to do this is just growing tiring. Why am I still writing? I don't know why I do a lot of things.

Anyway I just came on to type up some lyrics to a song I wrote today. The basics of the music's written and with some work and recording over the summer with the help of my friend kevin (kevknight) and maybe a few others it should be ready for peoples ears, if that's how they choose to use them, so this is it. It's called "Like Fire"

I hope Peace finds you, if it does maybe you could send some my way, i'd like that.

"Your name rolls of my tongue like fire,
and I'm flying towards the sun, I'm flying higher.
I can't see the ground but I know I'll be there soon.
I know I'm heading down, I know I'll be there soon.

I tried to talk to you but you had nothing to say,
I didn't really listen to you and it's just aswell because you had nothing to say.
I tried to speak to you but you just walked away,
I didn't follow you there was nothing more to say.
I watched you head for the ground and I know that's my fate too,
I watched you head for the ground and thought what the hell........... I will follow you.

Your name rolls off my tongue and they say it's like fire but I'm not so sure,
Your name rolls of my tongue but if it was like fire I think I'd feel something more.

So I'm just gonna get away and leave this place behind,
i'm just gonna get away to some place people can't find,
to some place people can't see, they can't see me.

But didn't you promise me that there would be another way,
I think you did, I think you did.
Didn't you promise me you would never let me wander away,
I think you did, I think you did.
Didn't you promise me that YOu love me,
i know you do, i know you do"

There's a lot of "I"'s in there, am i entirely self consumed?
i think there's hope in there somewhere, search for it if you care.
Peace, whatever that means.

Every man's a sinner

So mewithoutYou's new album has arrived, it shocked me at first but it is beautiful. I found this review which pretty much says everything I would. Though I disagree with the fact that he says the album's not much of a grower, it's really growing ojn me and I think you need to give it time http://www.sputnikmusic.com/album.php?reviewid=30591

As I seem to remember happened when "brother, sister" came out, songs were inspired with in me and I just started to write.

I have one finished (i think) and one which I'm working on. I'll post the lyrisc to the first one now, there's no music to it yet. The second one is a working progress but I'm excited about it. There's music ideas and lyrics which I hope will cause thought. It's inspired by a mixture of moses, corinthians and people. I jokingly promised a friend I'd write them a song and that's it, but it's not just theirs, it's dedicated to a group of friends and most of all G-d. I will post that later anyway and hopefully at some point record it, but for now this is the one I've finished, lyrically at least.

Every Man's A Sinner

Every man's a sinner and sinners don't get far.
I'm a man no different so I just keep staring at the stars.

Denial is a trainwreck but freedom is a gift,
like a burden that we brought ourselves and then gave you to lift.
You carry it willingly but we still bend beneath the strain.
We cut ourselves and blame you for the self inflicted pain.

Every man's a sinner and sinners don't get far.
I'm a man no different so I just keep staring at the stars.

I call my life a love song then sing it out of tune.
I tell you that I love you when I've not prayed since last June.
I just keep walking through this darkness, my eyes fixed on me.
There's so many lights shining down but it's only me I see.
That's why you found me out here sat in this field alone,
crying to my sister down the telephone.
She's the only one who seems to listen to a word I say
but she's lost in hope and love a thousand miles away.

Every man's a sinner and sinners don't get far.
I'm a man no different so I just keep staring at the stars.

It seems that we constantly forget what it's all about.
How we're vessels of love to him and each other, so open up and be poured out.



Just a final thought. Today I went with a friend to visit and put flower on her mothers ground. I've never really thought through a graveyard with an intention of doing so, I've never stopped and thought, but something hit me as I did. Eventually we will become a stone in the ground, but will we leave anything else behind? Rumi said and Stephen Christian beautifully and contextually qoutes something along the lines. "Make for yourselves a grave not in the ground but in the hearts of men." Meaning make what you leave behind more than a stone in the ground. Leave something in the hearts of those you have the power to do so. Leave love, today love unconditionally, freely and joyfully. Love in a way that will never be forgotten.

Peace

The clear night

Thank you for the clear night, i think i might clear my mind with the lights in the sky, cause tonight i swear i can touch the stars, lying on my back out there nothing and no one near, except a few wandering deer, i used to feel so alone and far away but this time i reach my fingertips so high just because i believe....i believe you're reaching down, it makes me happy to just be here, alone except for those beautiful deer, to know you are here...too

A Day Aside

The last few days haven't been easy for me, it's hard to care about someone while knowing it's not you that has the ability to make them smile, laugh or feel. But with sadness comes feeling and in this state life seems so much more meaningful. It's like everything in life becomes so much more meaningful , the things i love i know treasure, like family, friends, nature, hot chocolate, music and most of all the love of G-d. I know G-d has a reason for everything and when I learn to love and be thankful for the things I have instead of always wanting what I can't have I start to believe this too. The reason I feel this way is to teach me to contentment, to teach me to love and be thankful. If this sadness is the cost which i have to carry with me in order to stay awake to life, to truly appreciate everything it brings, then it's worth it. But I think G-d will heal this perpetual sadness when the time is right and I'll just be left with a love for life, those I share it with and most of all for Him.
So many people drift through life, they go from day today without truly living or experiening. So many people don't know what it's like to cry at a film, to have their spine tingle from a song, to get lost in a book, to savour the taste of coffee, to watch the sun rise or set, to stare at stars, to be truly vulnerable with someone you love and to fall in love with the creator of it all.
If that's you then here's an idea -

Set aside a day:
(This plan is weather permitting so feel free to change and adapt to whatever fits for the weather, or just for you, be creative.

1) Wake up early enough to watch the sun rise. Don't even get dressed but go out in your pyjamas, take your quilt with you, find a nice spot and sit and watch.

2) Have breakfast, I mean really have breakfast. Not shovelled down so you're not late for whatever you're doing with your day, but sit with some pleasant music on, something meaningful and happy. Eat slow, sip and not gulp your coffee and while you do read something good, the best choice would be the bible.

3) Buy a nice packet of biscuits and go to the centre of your village/town/city/where people are. Hand out the biscuits to passers by, just to bless their day with a biscuit. Have a big smile and be friendly and conifdent. If people ask why you're doing it tell them just because you love people and you wanted to bless their day with a biscuit. Talk to people, listen to people, really listen.

4) Buy a gift for a friend, maybe someone's been talking about a cd or book, or film or anything they want, buy it and take it to their house, be sneaky and post it through their door with an anominous later saying it's from a friend who was just thankful for their friendship and wanted to show it.

5) Time to cook lunch. Whatever you want, take time to cook it, take time to prepare it properly and take time to enjoy it. Listen to something upbeat and good to dance and sing along too while you cook and do just that, dance and sing along. Then sit and eat outside, watch birds or just the sky.

6) Time for your passion, what do you love to do, what are you passionate about, do it. If you're not sure what then write a poem, do your best, see how it goes.

7) Take a walk, talk to G-d while you do, talk about what makes you sad and what makes you happy. Be honest with him, learn to let go and open up to him, tell yourself you can trust him and know that he's in control.

8) Go to a coffee shop and get a hot chocolate, then take out a notebook/journal and write your thoughts, your feelings, what's happened in your life recently, how it made you feel, memory's, what you miss, what you want. What you love and most importantly how you feel.

9) Organise to meet up with some good friends and go to somewhere in the countryside or a park. Get there in time to sit and watch the sunset together. Then make a campfire. Take a bbq and have some good food together while you sit round and eat talk. Start by asking everyone to say one thing about each person there that they really like. Hopefuly this will encourage and spark open and meaningful coversation. Be vulnerable with each other.


10) Then while you sit round the campfire get out a guitar or acoustic instrument of your choice, sing and play songs together.


11) Go back to someones house and stay over there. Get popcorn and a beverages and watch a film together, something sad and meaningful with a happy ending,

12) Escape to somewhere quiet and read back your journal entry from earlier. Tell yourself that G-d is in control of it all, thank him that he is, thank him for the day, thank him for all the things you love. Pray for those you love and for someone you find difficult, ask G-d to take care of them too.

13) Go back to your friends, and listen to some instrumental or neo-classical music while you talk and then sleep.

Remember your blessed and G-d loves you.

Communal listening/ Share your music.

Friends.I think I don't speak alone when I express my concern for the current state of the music industry. In a world dominated by the internet and mp3's the CD is slowly dying out and the vinyl is only still alive due to a dedciated few. Though I accept there are advantages to this "progression" there are many things we sacrifice for this cause. One of these is the art of communal listening. Anybody who's been to a good gig will know what i mean when I talk about the "connection felt between you and every other person in that room as you soak in the music together, it's like you're on a journey and they're your fellow travellers, it's like you're all heading for the same destination, working for the same goal, experiencing the same beautiful musical expression. (I'm obviousely referring to big arena shows where girls aloud show how well they can mime or another metal band that sounds just like metallica perfectly repeat what's been done a thousand times before. *Note sarcasm*) Now people feel they don't need to go to the show because they can watch it streamed to the comfort of their home, because obviously atmosphere and participation has nothing to do with a live show. (I'm on a roll with this sarcasm stuff.) There's not mucn that can be done about this by me and you other than going to the shows and bringing all your friends when you do, but the live show is not the only thing I'm concerned about. My mother told me once how when she was a child her family would all sit round and listen to a vinyl, not in the background but as the focus of attention, what happened to times like those? Granted, that was partly because they lived in a caravan and walking round would cause the caravan to wobble and the record to skip, but the point still stands. With the introduction of music streamed over the internet and i-pods/mp3 players (which are all good things) we're losing the experience of really living an album and even more living that experience with our fellow passers through on this earth. We watch a film with friends or even pointless T.V but music has been demoted to background atmosphere or single popular tracks played in clubs (again good things in moderation). As Relient K so perfectly put it "it's all the same with all the kids, no one knows what vinyl is." There's also an amusing reference to frisby golf in that song. Vinyl might not be everyone's cup of tea, and that's fine, it's not really my point but I couldn't resist qouting that song. However there is things I would encourage people to do.
1. Listen to albums, and really listen to them, get involved, become a part. Understand what the message of the songs are and how the music and lyrics work together to convey this. Experience the journey of the album and how each song drifts purposefully in to one another. (Obviously this can't apply to all albums.)

2.Invite your friends over and listen to/live/experience the album together, talk about the lyrics what they mean, how they create each sound. Your favourite parts, ask questions, put forward theory's, go as deep as you like and realise there's always more to discover.

The more I think about this the more I realise how fitting it is that music is used to worship G-d. In true beauty it can carry his presence and put forward a message of truth. You can get lost in it, like a small taste of his infinite awesomeness. All praise to G-d.

Share your music.

Dreams

i'm so tired of dreams, but dreams are all i have, dreams of things that will never be.
i wonder why i keep longing for what's only going to dissapoint me.
it's in these moments i feel most alone,
i'm right here but still so far from home.
i know you're right here but i'm far away,
If i could here your voice what would you say?
Show me a sign, there has to be a way back,
be my everything, all the strength that i lack.

Streak the Sky Chapter 1

I'm not a writer, in fact I'm not academic in any way what so ever. I make spelling and grammar mistakes and struggle sentances together fluently, but I love words. I love expressing different thoughts and feelings in any way I can and language seems to be such a good tool for this. I think this is what inspired me to write a book. It's not gonna be a piece of genius, it may not even be a good read, but I love it and if someone else enjoys it, well then that's a bonus.
I haven't finished it yet, infact it's al0ng way off but I wanted to share a taster and post the first chapter, as it is now, change is inevitable. Not because I think people are so excited to read it that they are longing for just a taster, but more because I'm so excited to share it with people that I wanted to do this. So if you read, thank you.
Here it is.

Streak the Sky

A novel by Joshua Turney

Chapter 1
If I could fold a map
“I wish the world was flat like the old days, then I could travel just by folding a map, no more airplanes or speed trains or freeways, there’d be no distance that could hold us back” – Death Cab for Cutie

“AS YOU TASTE THE BLOOD IN YOUR MOUTH, KNOW THAT YOU MADE ME THIS WAY, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT AND NOW IT’S YOUR JUDGEMENT DAY!”
Darren screamed along, throwing himself about without control: he knew people were probably getting irritated as he slammed carelessly in to them, but he was too lost in the music to care. Noticing Darren’s enthusiasm the vocalist called him over and thrust the microphone violently in his face. “THIS IS JUDGEMENT DAY!” Darren yelled. Hearing his own voice ring out through the speakers just for a moment, he imagined what it would be like to one day be on that stage himself., He saw the band move with sporadic yet poetic movements, drifting through the flashing lights, soaking in the scene and pouring out their anger on the crowd. Darren wasn’t sure why this band was so angry or what inspired such hate within them, all he knew was he could relate to it, he had his own reasons for being angry and this was his was his way express it. “One day mum” he thought to himself. “One day dad, your judgement day will come, all you perfect people that stare at me with such disdain, you made me this way and your judgement day will come!”

Aaron was bored, the service had gone on for almost 3 hours now and if they played one more song he was quite sure he’d lose it. “I’m pretty sure even G-d was falling asleep by now.” He looked across at Lucy, she had her eyes closed and her hands raised, her voice was beautiful, so very beautiful, but something about her singing annoyed Aaron and he wasn’t sure what it was. He noticed his own monotonous lifeless voice singing along too. He’d heard the song a million times and threw out the words every Sunday without meaning or even thought. “It is my joy to honour you”, he laughed to himself. “Such a joy”, the sarcastic thought slipped in to his mind before he could stop it, and left him feeling guilty. “After all you’ve done for me G-d, I can’t even sit through a service without moaning, but does worshipping You have to be so boring?”

“Emily, Emily” he yelled again impatiently, she heard him the first time but needed a moment to gather her thoughts first. She gently placed her guitar down in to its stand as if she were lowering a sleeping baby in to its cot, and then calmly followed the voice toward her ever more impatient father. “About time” he remarked as she entered his study. “Have a seat darling” he said somewhat more calmly. “He has something important to say” she worried to herself. “I have some good news Emily” he looked at her like an eager child bursting to share something that was burning with excitement within him. “What’s that father?” she said forcing a smile in an attempt to conjure up the same enthusiasm. Truth was she was worried. He was just about to share the “exciting” news when the front door opened down stairs. “Oh good” Brian muttered to himself. “Your mother needs to hear this too, Tricia would you come up to my study please?”
A moment later she slipped through the door, gently closing it behind her as if she were trying to slip late in to a meeting and cause little disruption. She always entered Brian’s study with caution. She was rarely welcome there and when she was, she didn’t feel it. “Sit down Tricia”, Brian gestured his hand toward the empty chair next to where Emily sat, she smiled at her daughter while she nervously slipped in to the seat. Brian got straight to the point. “We are staying together, as a family, after the summer, we can still all live to....”. “But we agreed I was going to Nottingham” Emily interrupted and immediately regretted it seeing her father’s stern gaze fixed upon her. “Sorry dad” she nervously resigned. “We can still all live together as a family” he continued. “And you’re still going to Nottingham” he said directing his words toward Emily. “We’re going with you. You know that new church you were telling me about Emily, the one right in the centre? “Yes” Emily replied. “Well, I applied to be the vicar there. That’s where I was last weekend, I had an interview, and they just called. I got the job! Isn’t that great news Emily? You don’t have to live in some poor student house; we can find a nice house to all live in together” That wasn’t great news for Emily; she had been so looking forward to this freedom, the independence. “I knew this would all go wrong. He always messes things up for me” She rebuked the thought. “He’s just trying to help, he’s done so much for me - I should be grateful, I just wish he would see things from my point of view, or at least allow me to try and explain.”

The queue was already huge and growing fast. It was only 8am and people had been waiting for at least 4 hours. The crowds cheered as John approached with the keys. “Not yet” he yelled over the noise, “another hour yet I’m afraid folks.” He closed the door behind him and locked it again, he looked down at the 500 copies they had of Chinese Democracy and looked out the window at the people. “Nowhere near enough for one CD each, some people are going home disappointed. He sighed to himself, John didn’t like disappointing people. Sprinkle Records was very small but very popular in Nottingham. When John started it 3 years earlier at the tender age of 20 he made 2 promises to himself, 1 - to always do this job solely for his love of music and 2 – to be as patient and helpful as he possibly could with each customer. People soon knew where to go for a friendly helpful service. To many of his customers John was a friend. He was good at his job and knew his stuff. Sprinkle Records had a reputation for stocking a wide variety of unusual and underground music also, just another reason he drew in more customers than the much bigger businesses around him. In fact he could never have dreamed just how good his business would be, but despite it all he continued to work as hard as ever. Today was always going to be a big day with the release of Guns n’ Roses new album, something people had been anticipating for many years. John was in early to set up. He started clearing shelves and dedicated a large section of the shop solely for stocking copies of the new album. John’s friend and employee Mark arrived a few minutes later. They were ready early and much to the delight of the impatient crowd outside they opened the doors. Then it was all rush as the crowd stormed in.

After the service people always milled around for a while, exchanging pointless gossip about their week and who’s done what. Aaron just sat there, feeling out of place and trying not to be noticed. He didn’t care for these people, they didn’t care for him and he wasn’t in the mood for pretending otherwise. He usually talked to Lucy till his mum had finished chin wagging and could take him home, but Lucy was still engrossed in whatever her and G-d were talking about. She hadn’t moved from her seat where her head was bowed. Aaron studied her gentle and beautiful face, she was pretty, that was for sure, but there was something more than that. There was a life in her eyes, a passion and a love, but Aaron knew that wasn’t for him and that made him jealous. Lucy’s love meant everything to him, he wanted her all to himself and felt like G-d came between them and took her away from him. Not that he could tell her. When he had tried to talk to her about it she seemed puzzled and a little worried, looking at Aaron as if he had just said something unthinkable. She simply remarked “G-d is first you know that, G-d is everything.” “Of course” Aaron submissively replied and decided never to share his fears with her again. As he looked upon her with a quiet longing and a solemn admiration, he noticed tears flowing down her face, flowing freely as she made no attempt to suppress them. Here she was, now kneeling, pouring out everything to G-d. This scared Aaron more than anything. He considered going and putting his arm around her, convincing himself that it would be a supportive and kind gesture, at least that’s how it would look to her, but truth is he wanted to impose, remind her he was here, remind her he still existed, because he needed her. “Good morning Aaron” came the warm frail voice. “Hello Doris” Aaron replied with a smile, and for the first time this morning it wasn’t a fake one. Aaron found Doris very likable. She was an unusual old woman. People found the things she said vey strange but they made Aaron laugh and she seemed to like that. Since Aaron could remember, Doris had been the most joyful member of the church. She was always the first to welcome newcomers and would always make an effort to talk to everyone without judgement or prejudice. Aaron didn’t belong there: he knew it and everyone else knew it. Doris probably knew it, but that didn’t make a difference to her. She would make him feel welcome all the same and Aaron came to love their amusing exchanges. “Still alive Doris?” Aaron joked with a rye smile “Oh just about Dear” Doris frowned back at him, “looking at you in this mornings service I’m not the one struggling to stay alive, I’ve never seen someone look so lifeless.” Aaron laughed nervously and looked down at the floor. Doris had no fear of the truth, that’s one reason Aaron was so fond of her, but there was some thoughts in Aarons mind that he intended to keep there.

“There’s a rope around my neck, tied to my home, it gets tighter the further I move away, my throat is tightening but there’s nothing I can do.” As Emily stared at the window she noticed every detail, taking it in, imprinting it in her mind, these familiar streets were now reminders of what she would miss, they drove past her old school and Emily’s mind filled with nostalgic memories, the laughs, the regrets, the bullies, the friends, those friends she would not be seeing much of anymore. “It was all gonna be so perfect” she thought regretfully to herself, “ I could leave home, become more independent and then come home at holidays, see my friends, see my parents and maybe I’d find myself liking my dad more a little more. Now I won’t be able to come to my home, my real home where I grew up, where the memories are. Now I have to leave all that behind and the one element I was hoping to leave is coming with me. Will I ever escape?” She hoped for an accident or a flat tyre or… or anything to stop the car and stop this insanity, or at least delay it. She bent her head round and peered up out the window, it was a clear night, plenty of stars out, stars always comforted her. “Thank You Lord” she needed comforting tonight, a glimmer of Hope. The darkness would engulf her but for the shining light. “Nevertheless I am continually with you; you hold me by my right hand. Psalm -73:23.”

Aaron awoke to the sound of music, familiar music, comforting music. He lay there enjoying these first few seconds of the day, the blissful sound of “Teardrop” by “Massive Attack”, he could recognise this music in his sleep but in a dazed state of not being fully awake it took him a few seconds to realise that it was also his ringtone, he tried to open his eyes but the light coming through the windows hurt his eyes. “Why didn’t I close my curtains last night? What did I do last night…. Oh no….” Little fragments of the events the night before came back to him slowly. He hadn’t even realised how much his head had hurt till now. Leaning over with his eyes still closed he tried to grab his phone but just knocked it off his bedside table on to the floor, it stopped ringing and he cursed. “My first word of the day, good start. Who’s calling me early in the morning anyway, what time is it? What day is it?” He managed to prize open his eyes, 14:59 the clock read “and it’s um satu…….Oh no!” He was supposed to be at work at 9am that morning, “My dad is gonna flip.” “I need water!” He crawled out of bed and downstairs, he snuck past the living room where his mum was watching television, grabbed some water from the kitchen and headed back to bed. As he opened his door he noticed the phone ringing again, the sound that had seemed so beautiful before now ripped through his head, every beat thumping, every sound piercing. It was his dad, he wasn’t happy. “He’ll get over it” he tried to convince himself afterward He’d said not to bother coming in, which he was relieved about, his head really hurt, “Why did I drink so much last night? I never drink.” “No point lying around here all day. Mum will found me eventually and she’ll go ballistic if she finds out I’ve slept in and missed work”, “You have to be more responsible Aaron.” He could hear the words in his head already. Dad wouldn’t tell her, he has his own way of dealing with things. He’ll have a quiet word avoiding mums over reaction. “I’ll give Lucy a call she might not ask as many questions.”
“Why aren’t you at work Aaron?” “I just um slept in” You slept in? You never miss work.” I know listen, I’ll explain when I’m over there, cya in five.”
He left the house without being noticed but as he made the short walk to Lucy’s he felt guilty. He’d deceived his parents, he had never done that. He’d missed work, despite what his mother thought. He was more responsible than that and he’d got extremely drunk last night. What would he tell Lucy? She would notice his hung over state, he could say he’s just ill, but he couldn’t lie to Lucy, “I’ll explain, it’s a one off - she’ll understand.”
“Hey how are you Aaron?”
“I’m all good thanks Luce.”
“You sure? You look like death!”
“Um yeah I kinda… um, can we talk?”
“Sure, my parents are out let’s go through to the living room, everything ok?”
“Just come right out with it”
“I kinda got really drunk last night Luce and I feel guilty, like I’ve let G-d down you know, I keep like um just messing up, I think I’m changing.”
Lucy paused, leaving a momentary silence and then spoke confidently. “I’ve noticed that too Aaron, I was gonna say something, you should pray about it, I could pray with you if you like” The words made him angry, “Why should I pray - it had never helped before, why did G-d always have to be the answer” He didn’t know where that thought came from but there were more coming on strong and he feared that pretty soon they’d slip out his mouth. “I’m tired of trying so hard to be a good Christian, pray read my bible, what’s G-d done for me? He knew the answer to that, but this was coming from another place.” I pretend to be a joyful believer, but I’m unhappy. I want to live like everyone else. They seem to be having fun yet I’m miserable. I can pretend well not to be, but I am” What scared him most about the last thought was that it was true, he couldn’t hold it back any longer, he couldn’t pretend any more.
“Sure just pray, that will make it all better” he said sarcastically. Lucy looked shocked, but he carried on. “I’m sick of G-d, you going on about how much you love him. Your heart is so full of G-d, there’s no room left for me, no wonder I’m changing, so I had a few too many drinks, it was bound to bring me more joy than you or G-d ever could.” Lucy looked distressed, “and the sickest part is” Aaron thought “I’m glad, it’s the first time she’s showed she actually cares” She was struggling to find the right response whilst holding back tears, the silence seemed to last an age, giving Aaron a chance to face the regret of what he’d just said, he feared Lucy’s next words more than he’d feared anything yet in his life. “If that’s how you feel Aaron” she said with an unexplainable calmness. “I think….look, whatever you want from me I can’t give, the scriptures say, if your right hand causes you to sin cast it off and throw it in to the fire, I think I’m your right hand, if I’m coming between you and G-d I need to get out of the way” “You mean…” Aaron couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence. “Yes, I’m sorry Aaron” “No Luce, I’m sorry, sorry I ever met you” “He didn’t know why he said that, why such anger, she did what she felt was best for him” With that he just turned and walked out the door.

Afterthought

Oh I would appreciate peoples opinions on my previous blog. Where do you think art comes from? What inspires it? And why do those who are saddest seem to be the most creative?

Also just a sort of afterthought that I forgot to mention.

I saw on a friends facebook status that a moment ago that they were in awe. I guessed rather presumptiously that maybe they'd been listening to some amazing music and this was why. I then started to think how I could never make music that would have people in awe, I started to do my boring guitar practice and just thought I could never create anything truly awesome, the step was so far. Then I remembered something Aaron said to me in an e-mail once. It was that all things good from G-d, so if we something good in a person that's G-d working through that person. The same awesome G-d that inspires mewithoutYou and As Cities Burn to do what they do can also work through me. Isn't that the answer? G-d inspires it, that's where true beautiful art comes from. And as I'm typing I'm realising all I said before was wrong and void. These people created something from their loss or sadness, not Aaron cause he shouldn't of been in that group, but the rest. It was a search. But G-d didn't call me to suffer, he called me to show others a better way, not an easy way but a way free of the ties of such things as depression. I have to walk in this way walk close to G-d and music that comes from that, that Love for G-d, the realisation of His love for me, that will be true art.

The price of art

I saw my dad this evening and as he drove me back home we were speaking about music as we usually do and we start to talk about, as this blog is titled, the price of art. Allow me to explain. Something my dad mentioned as we spoke and I think this will help with understanding was about Bob Dylan. Apparently, and I take this in good faith from what my dad said as I haven't listened myself, but Bob Dylans rather brilliant music took a serious nose dive in quality once he got married, settled down and had a family. Then when he went through a bitter divorce and ended up alone again he started to write great music again. This is one man and one example but I see it over and over again. Great art, be it music, painting or writing, comes from a place of pain, loneliness or isolation. Is it this pain or feeling that inspires people to go on to create much of what they do. Elliotte Smith, Conor Oberste, Jeff Buckley and in a way Aaron Weiss, the evidence is there again and again.
I think for me the most real experience of this is personal, I wrote a song, which I believe is posted in an earlier blog, titled "An artists Pain". These lyrics talk about this very subject and what inspires me to write, sing or play. Though what I do is deffinitely not up there with these greats I've mentioned I think one of the reasons I appreciate their music so much is because I empaphise with them in regards to where it came from. It's very often when I'm alone, when I feel isolated, rejected or sad that I feel the need to produce something from whatever poetry I can find inside me.
From the people reading this there may be differing opinions on prophesy but I believe it has its place as long as it's not misused. There are a few prophesies that I am reminded of that were spoken over me and I just wander though I took them with a pinch of salt at the time if maybe G-d was speaking after all. The first one I was strongly convinced was relevant at the time. I was probably around 12 at the time and was attending some sort of Christian event. There was a boxing ring in the middle where people could go to speak or pray through a microphone if they felt G-d was leading them to do so. It was prophesied over me by some random bold guy that by the end of the day I would feel the pain for my unbelieving friends. I later went up to the boxing ring and as I started to pray for my friends I started to cry. I think it was my first experience of truly being moved by G-d and the start of a passion for evangelism.
Some people some years later, maybe I was 18 at the time were visiting Living Waters and one of them prophesied over me while praying for me that I was called to suffer for G-d. I rejected this at the time as stupid but maybe it was fear more than anything that made me do this. I believe strongly that G-d called me to music, I believe he gave me a heart for evangelism and to use music in this. Could it be that these "prophesies" apply to these "callings". That G-d called me to music but the passion for music will come from a place of pain, from a realisation of my need for G-d. I think most of all it has to come from a passion for G-d but Aaron manages to mix these 2 beautifully and I know Rumi speaks in one of his poems about how pain is like our realisation of need for G-d and forces us to seek him and how in this sense it is a good thing, so I guess the 2 can come together. But could it also be that G-d has given me a heart for the lost, those who haven't yet found hope and part of that is empaphising with them and their pain.
Does beauty come from a dark place first of all. Christ accomplished our freedom through the darkness of the cross, he calls us to take up our cross and follow Him, maybe this is my cross.
G-d's will be done.

A more positive approach

I've been thinking a lot since last nights entry and I wanted to try a more positive approach.
I think when there's something you want to accomplish and you see others doing it while you're left behind it seems there's only 2 reactions to this. Either give up or catch up, but in truth there's a 3rd. I think this one makes more sense and that's to just keep going, at your own pace. I want to write beautiful music but those who make it once also spent ages playing boring exercises and fiddling around with 3 chord songs and they couldn't get to where they did if they got impatient and skipped that part.
I wish I could finish my book but I just read that Stephen Christians took him 3 years to do. Mine will never be as good as his but I will take as long as possible to make sure it's the best I can do.
And as for the band, well that one's out of my control but it's in G-ds hands and I trust Him.
I can't force myself to feel patient but I can try and think patiently.
Peace

Future and Music

Something dangerous and easy to do when you believe there's a G-d is load off all your responsiblility for decisions on Him. I often find myself waiting and hoping for a sign to tell me where to go next or what to do next when infact you just need to take a chance and see what happens otherwise you could be endlessly waiting.
I've had this feeling with me over the last few years like I need to step out, leave, make a change, jump or something but I never know how to act on it. Like I'm waiting for something to happen but when it comes down to me making it happen I don't know what it is so I'm stuck, feeling almost trapped.

I especially feel this with music, It's like I'm waiting for the right band members to come along but there's no one, how can you start a band when there's no one round to start it with, there's nothing I can do to make it happen because I can't find people who don't exist but I have this constant feeling like I need too.

I'm tired of this feeling, I'm tired of this place and I'm tired of waiting.

People

I remember listening to a live show of David Bazans once. He often has a Q&A session and someone posed quite an interesting question to him, well at least provoked an interesting answer from him.
The question was "What do you like to write about?" His answer "People." Short, simple and in a way beautifuly profound, atleast in a way that I can relate to it is. I too love to write about people, they just fascinate me, I love meeting them, watching them, trying to understand them and again writing about them. When I admit to people that I'm attempting to write a book they usually respond by asking what it's about. The simplest answer always seems to be just like David put it "people".
I'm currently sitting in my room in the dark, perched on the windowsill, the window's open and the laptop is appropiately sat on my lap. I often turn the light off when I'm on my own, unless of course I need to be able to see, it just seems to make sense. It seems to add the right mood, the right atmosphere, maybe because people add so much of the light that's in my life and without them around the darkness feels like home. I don't mean that in a depressive or morbid way, just an observant one.
Stephen Christian in his book/monologue "The orphaned anythings" talking as the character Ayden speaks about the different people that have influenced his life over the years and how, the different things they taught him and I guess I've been doing the same.
These are my thoughts.
It would be wrong not to start with family as they've just always been around.

So.....

My mother taught me how to care for others before myself.
My Dad taught me how to be an individual and live your own way, not the way everyone else tells you to.
My older sister taught me how to be a friend to others.
My big bro taught me how to stand up for myself and not be ashamed of who I am.
My little sister taught me how to keep smiling even when you feel you have no reason too.

My oldest friend Nick taught me how to hold on to those you hold dear.
Lydia taught me how to do what's right no matter what the cost.
Aaron taught me how to love.
My friend Tim taught me how to turn everything in to a Joke.
Will taught me how to love music.
Nathan taught me how to play music with passion.
Tom taught me how to express and let go of feelings.
Lynzy taught me how to feel
and Mike taught me where to go when it all hurts too much.

These people have been my closest friends over the years and I'm pretty sure I could put alot more names in there. Now with new friends at church and college I'm looking forward to adding to that list and maybe I have something myself to teach to others.

We need each other, today(or tomorrow or any day after) be a friend to someone, teach someone something, learn something from someone or at least give a friend a call and have a nice chat and a good laugh.

G-d taught me every truth I know.

Peace
J

P.S Don't you love those random people you know and talk to throughout your week. There's a guy called Steve I always see on the bus and talk mainly sports with, he used to work in the mines before he retired and has fascinating storys about his son. There's another guy I always see walking his dog who takes such an interest in what I'm doing and tells me to keep studying hard because it will pay off later, I'm blessed to have that frequent encouragement in my life becuase of his selflessness in taking the time to encourage someone else.

Let's encourage.

It's been a while

There's still quite a lot of snow on the ground outside, it's slowly melting away but right now a white sheet still covers the grass outside the window. Snow makes everything look pure, no matter what was there before, it doesn't matter, everything looks the same now, white, pure and beautiful.
Maybe that's a bit of a lame way to make the point but i've thinking recently about how G-d can wash us all white and pure again. i went away this weekend with some friends from st nics, it was a wonderful time, hanging out with friends, recieving encouragement and being able to give it too, no matter who we were, who we'd been, what we'd done, we'd all come together for this one purpose, to worship G-d, that felt good. The past has happened, somethings I've learned, somethings G-d's forgiven me for, now to look to the future. You see that's what I want for the future, like this weekend, different types of people, different, gifts, encouraging each other, come together for one purpose, oh please Lord, it would mean so much to have people like that to make music with!
When i finish college i think I'm gonna move to notts, get a flat with a few friends, buy some studio equipment, write and record. That's the next step i think, let's see how it goes.
I just wanted to share some thoughts, it's been a while.
peace.