Grace

A friend recently showed me a video a friend made for her to wish her a happy birthday. The video was funny and alot of effort had obviously gone into it. I feel that most people's selfish reaction here would of been to think "I don't have anyone who would do that for me" or to qoute the film Brick - "Maybe I see what you're trying to do for her and I don't know anybody who would do that for me". I had a reaction of another kind, "I would never be able to do that for anyone else." This is not selflessness but just another sort of selfishness, it seems that I thrive on appreaciation, grattitude and the praise of others, I want to be liked and appreciated and am constantly dissapointed by my unworthyness to earn this.
What I find both wonderful and frustrating about God's love is the freedom with which it is given! It can't be earned, and yet i constantly try, but even if I did try my very upmost I would still never be able to earn it. So these attempts always fail and leave me frustrated and in a place where I have no choice but to turn to grace and am amazed by it everytime.
When I spent some time in a Hari Krishna temple I noticed most of the monks had orange paint like stuff smeared down the bridge of their nose. I asked Caitanya why this way and he told me that it represents the holy ground which is put on their faces to symbolise the commitment of their body's as holy temples to God. Yet even in this commitment, in this strict religious lifestyle, God's love cannot be earned, what hope do I have of earning it?
My body is constantly used for selfishness, my mouth speaks profanities, my hands deal in sin and my eyes fix on things they should turn away from, yet God chooses to use this body to share His love with others, to do His will and He see's not this sin, but only the love He has for me, such grace I can not comprehend.
The other day as a friend prayed for me God spoke through her and told me that He does not count my sins against me but it is I who counts them against myself, while I see myself falling short, He forgives me and loves me. As me and my friends sat there on my bedroom floor we were just moved with love for God, a love that only He made possible and we just started to speak out prayers of praise in reaction.
Let my life be lived in such a reaction of praise to You God.
Shalom