Time to change

I have just been out taking my usual spot in the field, lying on the grass below the wall staring up at the stars and the full moon shining out, admiring that wonderful glow the moon gives to a dark field that I love so much. As I lay there listening to Manchester Orchestra I felt a sudden need for silence so took off the headphones and turned off the small electrical device that they were attatched to. The silence started to speak to me, or I should say G-d spoke through the silence, thoughts became clear and revelations followed, revleations about myself. I started to think about a friend and something became clear to me, the reason she's been on my mind alot. Something I decided to do everytime I thought about her was to stop my thoughts turning selfish, to my own hopes was pray for her, it really helped, but I realise now that's exactly why she was there, for me to pray for her. I wrote a poem once called Amy about this guy who failed to share the hope he had in G-d with this girl because he gave in to the selfish desires he had. We have that choice with every person we meet, there's always something we can take, or we can give, we give this amazing selfless Love G-d's put in our heart, we can give encouragement and hope. I got so caught up in what I wanted to take I forgot this. There's something special about her, obviously everyone's special and G-d has amazing plans for us all, but I just see it when I look at her. It's not just her selflessness and kindness but it's also this shine, I know it sounds clisshe (however you spell that word) but her face just shines a joy that's so amazing to see. I think that's what I saw that I wanted so much, that joy. A friend once told me that I had the same thing, no matter if I was tired, upset or whatever I had a brightness about me. I lost that! Through things that I have no need to go into I just lost it, I lost hope in me, in who G-d created me to be and I turned into a cynic. I got called cynical twice this week, once by dad and then by my mum, that's a wake up call, a Christian cynic, something's not right there. I also got told recently by someone I have a great respect for that I've lost something, they said I had such promise when I was this 16 year old kid leading a prayer and study group, encouraging others and praying for them, just in love with G-d and hungry to see what He could do through me, and I lost it. It was my 21st birthday this week and I actually went to an effort to hide it from people, so hardly any of my friends knew, because I didn't want people to "celebrate" me and I convinced myself this was humility, but it wasn't! It was like I wanted to be miserable, like I thought I deserved it, so a mostly unnoticed birthday seemed appropiate, maybe that only makes sense to me, I'm not even sure it does. I want to change, I will pray for that brightness back and I will commit every part of me to serve G-d and love others selflessly.
I'm thankful for this life G-d has given me, all the friends He has given me, the beautiful things like music and the fun things like football :) G-d has blessed me so much, now it's time to start living like it. For the first time in a long time, I'm thankful for who G-d created me to be. Although I kept talking to G-d and He was part of my life I kept so much from Him and lived my own way things are changing now and I'm sorry to anyone who's witnessed my selfishness, not that it wont happen again, but I'm gonna now live with my eyes fixed on Him and if I turn away I will turn back, He is my purpose and that is more than words.
Praise be to G-d!
Shalom.