Nothing else matters

I just read a friend's blog. She spoke about how when people see her they don't see her but who she wants them to see, how we are all such good actors. It scared me. In so many ways I believe I wear my heart on my sleeve, in here, in my songs, in letter and in my journal I express thoughts and feelings, I open up. I sometime's even feel ashamed of the things I say. But what about when I'm not expressing, what about when I'm just being, who am i then? Indeed who am i? I am no one. I had a conversation with a friend today about boundaries and she asked me if I'm as careful about being appropite when I'm with other girls as I am with her or if I'm doing it to respect the boundaries she stands by. Though I don't think I am dreadfully innapropiate in any of my friendships the answer to the question was the latter. That says alot of good for her but puts a serious question mark upon myself! Where are my boundaries? What standards do I stand by? I have some, but up to a certain extent I will set the marker where the other person says stop. I feel I should explain this has more to do with closeness and openess,more than other things you may associate with boundaries and standards. In so many ways I don't have my own rules to live by and end up living by those around me, surely this is just an attempt toward acceptance. It means I am a different person whoever I'm around, even to my humour. I don't have my own humour that you can say is mine but I adapt to other peoples, is the same true of my personality? Have I become so ashamed of who I am that I've pushed that down and covered it up with this person I feel people will accept. I want to remember who it is, I want to let that person out again. I feel the answer to this lies in creativity, in my writing my songs, my blogs. It's the only space the person I am gets to breathe, it's where I feel real. In that conversation with my friend today there was one I thing I wanted to say but couldn't or atleast didn't, for fear of ruining her perecption of me, her perception of our friendship. Yet if it was in a song I'd not hesitate to say it. Maybe that's because in a song I can hide it in imagery, take away the meaning from other peoples eyes and express it while it stays safe inside my mind alone, or is it more than that? If I felt despair in life I'd put on a brave face. If in music I'd contort my face, I'd cry out, I'd fling my body desperately around without care of damage. How can I be two so different people? How can I be me? I guess it's small steps, I know one I can take next, I'm just not sure if I will.
It's strange how I'm aware that people will read this and their minds will be filled with thoughts contributing towards a perception of me based on what I've wrote, and I don't even care. Yet, if I spoke this, if this was a conversation, I could never say it.
But is it this part of me I want to express, no! Beyond this, deeper than this and just as hidden is a love for people, a love for God, a love for those He loves. This, though I love to catch in songs, more so I want to flow through in my life, in everything I say, everythin I do, everything I am. Without barriers, without exception, without excuses. That's who I was made to be, that's who I should be, nothing else matters.