Jesus have mercy on me

I don't think I ever really deal with problems, or let go of attatchments, or heal my wounds, or let out my frustration. People keep telling me how calm I am, I don't feel calm. I had a good open chat with Steve, the st nics vicar, the other day. He was suprised by my confessed struggles and commented that I've always come across as strong and assured. I was glad to hear him say that, I want to appear strong, I want to appear fine, but at the same time I want people to see how I really feel, I want someone to help, but I don't want to admit any weakness either. It's this constant fear and presumption of peoples perception of me that both cuts me down in the first place and then leaves me there, unable to ask for help.
I've tried to fight on my own for years and never really got over it, I've developed coping tactics sure, but even they're starting to scare me, this slowly dissapearing bottle of jd is the one that scares me the most.
I can write it in here, because no one reads it right? I know they do, but they can't. That would mean someone actually took interest in me and cared enough to spend time reading the words I wrote, and I can't believe that. I know people care, but I don't beleive they do, how does that even work? Just like how can I be so strong and so weak at the same time?
And where does G-d fit in all of this? He's there right? Loving and caring as always? Loving and caring everyone but me. G-d's love for me is worth everything, but it's just another place where what I believe and what I know to be true contradicts and I'm not really sure how, or how to change it.
I wish I could cry, or breakdown, or lose my temper, anything to let all this out and prove to myself I can still feel.
I've just realised, it doesn't matter how I feel, it matters what I do, G-d says to love others and that He loves us and that He will be with us and help us as we do. So that's what I do. Give everything I can to love G-d and love these people He loves so much. Noting else matters, least of all how I feel! I'm gonna take all this pain, all this frustration, all this numbness and I'm gonna pour myself out at His feet, I'm not sure how but I'm gonna do it, and I'm gonna ask Him to give me His heart, teach me to feel how He feels, Love how He loves, isn't that the only thing worth feeling after all? So I'm numb to the world, what better place is there to be?
Jesus have mercy on me...