Dialogue

The mask is off and the face beneath is an ugly sight to behold, but atleast it's real, atleast it's me. Now i've stopped pretending, i might not be who i want to be, i might not like who i am right now, but i am honest about it and maybe now G-d can starting making this mess into something more like Him.

This is a conversation we had the other day, a sort of answer and reply.

i've just had a horriffic realisation, i am almost entirely selfish. i am self centered, self absorbed and self consumed, i think about me, talk about me, write about me, i do what i do for me and though i hate to admit it, i live for me. Each apparent selfless act is a disguise for the selfish motives with which it's done. Every sacrifice is done in a rediculous attempt to earn Your love and from a desire for self worth. Every kind word i say is said to make me liked and not to encourage the person to whom it's delivered. i long for worth, acceptance, clarrification of identity and love. All these are free gifts from You and yet i feel a need to earn them, i get so absorbed in this search i lose sight of anything beyond myself. Peter started to sink when he took his eyes of Jesus. i am sinking and i scream at You "what are You doing to me?" But i don't dare look You in the face through fear of seeing my shame in the light of Your perfection, and yet i know if i truly fixed my eyes on You all i'd see is Your perfection, that's all that would matter. G-d teach me to love, to truly love with the very depth and essence of the selflessness of the word. Teach me to fix my eyes on You alone and to let go of me, the preconcieved idea's of who i am.
Jesus have mercy on me.

"My love for you is never ending, you can not change it, you can not earn it or lose it. You put yourself down, hurt yourself and believe you deserve it. I pick you up, because in My eyes you are perfect. I won't stand for these cruel words of self doubt, in My eyes you are perfect and these words stand only to hurt what I created, who I love.
I am your rock, stand upon Me, I will never fail you, never let you down. Spend time with Me, I love to spend time with you. Learn to recognise My voice and listen to it, trust it. Walk in the paths I have laid out for you and you will forever be safe, safe in Me, safe in My arms. It's ok to hurt, to struggle, to even cry, the walk is hard but come to Me and I'll give you strength, take your hurt to Me and I'll heal you.
Listen to My voice, My gentle voice that stills the seas.
You are being tossed in the waves of but I will be your anchor."

What a beautiful G-d, what a gracious G-d, what an awesome G-d.

The journey ahead is full of promise.

Peace