Shake it

From as far back as i can remember i had a feeling i just couldn't shake, shake nor identify. i did try and name it a few times. Depression, loneliness, anxiety and other such words all seemed obvious, too obvious. It was prominent in the quieter moments, times when i was alone and the early hours of the morning. If allowed it was overwhelming but there was no cure that i could see so i tried to ignore it and i got very good at this. Distractions was the name of the game and friends, hobbies and even work all fitted the description. My life became very busy, i became very tired, but i was winning, most of the time i was winning. Though less frequent when it did visit it was growing stronger and my whole life's purpose was to keep it away. Now i'm 23 and have hardly felt it in the last 2 years, i've hardly felt much at all. Love is dedication, joy is order and peace is control. Now i miss that feeling, do i miss the way it choked me? That feeling like i couldn't breathe? The heaviness in my chest? The despondency? No i don't miss any of these but i do miss the freedom, the reality and the sensitivity. Distractions, well they're just a lot of things to worry about that you don't care about. You miss every moment because you're afraid of the moment and after so many years this fades into your subconscious and this escape you created becomes your life, you reside but never once feel at home. This week i watched a film and everything came back. Maybe it was the story, maybe it was the soundtrack or maybe it was just the moment but i felt it again, and until it was there i had no idea how much i'd missed it. It stayed for about 24 hours. i felt sensitive, i felt open, vulnerable but peaceful. Work didn't drain me because there was some place inside me it couldn't reach and i could. Creativity seemed something not to be forced but to let out, like it was all waiting inside and the door was swung wide. It faded, that was inevitable but now i want to get back to that place. The difficulties, the side effects, i'm ready to face them now. It can't be worse than hiding. i tried to run away from a feeling but i only ran away from myself. i don't think it's something i can do, the idea of fighting my way back through reason or focus seems counter productive. i think my willingness is a start. That will do for now. i don't want to go back, i want to go forward, but along the right path.

Pictures v Words

Everybody seems to be using blogs for pictures more than words these days. Like the faithful conformist i am i'm strongly considering buying a camera. Not because i've lost my love for words but i do like the idea of attaching relevant and potentially inspirational pictures to my rambles.

Tomorrow Tomorrow will be Today

Have you seen that episode in Scrubs where JD comes to terms with the idea that he wants what he can't have, it all concludes with the rather overplayed scene at the end with him finally getting his girl (elliott) and immediately realising he doesn't want her anymore. As you can probably guess from my unvaried and seemingly self obsessed format i am about to relate this to something in my life. Please don't be mistaken however and think the relation is direct, it is far from and i hope carries a higher degree of subtlety.
Do you ever watch a film and wish you were one of the characters, or think back on a memory and wish you were there. Do you ever long for change or endlessly plan for the future with the future always remaining the future and the plans always remaining just plans? If you do then maybe we should talk, we could go for a drink, sit around in a coffee shop discussing how we just can't seem to make it to whatever it is and looking around at everyone else wondering how they made it, or if not how they fail to make it with such style.
Time can be wasted thinking of better times, lives can be wasted hoping for better lives. Those memories of times you miss, really think back to them, was anything really that different or did you spend that time in your head doing exactly the same thing? Right now could be the time you're missing in 5 years, so why not enjoy it.
i remember when i started in my first band and wished i could be in a band that wrote it's own songs. i remember being in my first band that wrote it's own songs and wishing i could write my own songs. i remember writing my own songs and wishing i could perform them. i remember performing my own songs and wishing they were better. My dreams came true and before i had time to enjoy them i made new dreams. i'm not discounting an attitude to push yourself on and keep looking higher, contentment can be an enemy as much as a friend but i need to learn to enjoy these moments too. We'll never truly make it to the top, there is no top, just another rung on a never ending ladder, but i can try and get as high as possible and make sure i enjoy the climb.
Tomorrow i have some exciting plans, i shall write songs and compile some poems into a format maybe for sharing. i think i'm going to have fun doing it.
Bless you friends.

It's 7:20 on a Friday morning only 2 days before Christmas. My last day of work is pending and the short but eagerly anticipated Christmas break is imminent. I'd set this all up to lead on to my new project, but i have just realised the time and my need to leave for work. i shall write later.
Keep well.

Praise be

Confession - recently going to church has become a chore, and one I've far too often neglected. I lost sight, sight of the real reason for going. Tonight G-d taught me a beautiful lesson. To serve and be served. To encourage and be encouraged. To meet with others who like you are trying and often failing to live for G-d. How beautiful it is to be strengthened together strengthen each other. How incredible it is to discover there's people who struggle just like you. And how encouraging it is to be able to believe you have something to offer. Don't hide your light, together we can shine.

Silence, the new way.

Life is just busy all the time, a steady mix of things you want to do and things you have to do, and i don't seem to have too many problems finding that balance i don't think, i am relatively productive while still loving my life. But my head gets so clouded! i feel like the artistic side i love to express is just getting squashed. It says in the bible "do not quench The Holy Spirit". Seeming i believe that anything truly beautiful i do or say is a result of The Holy Spirit, then this quenching is definitely happening. I came today to spend the mandatory time with G-d i am trying to enforce myself into and approached it just like another check list to get through for my day, i am done with this, i think G-d is done with this. Through the noise i've let inside my mind i heard him speak, he told me to be quiet, to be still, to stop trying to get through a prayer list or a section of scripture and just sit. So from now on, that's what i'll do each day, just sit in silence, for ten minutes, half an hour, 3 hours, however long seems right. If he then tells me to pray for someone or read a scripture i will, but that's up to Him and not a result of my futile attempts to climb to heaven on a rope of dirty rags. Jesus have mercy on me and may He bless you.
Peace be with you.

Time in Perspective

Tasks seem so overwhelming when time is restricted, give time in abundance and you realise that it wasn't a lack of time but your perspective towards it that provided both stress and unproductiveness. I don't need all this time, i can do what i need to do and work full time simultaneously. However this week off is not something i'm regretting, i'm loving the time to both relax, do what i love and be productive. I had my first chance to really spend a long time in my studio yesterday and i loved it. I rewrote and recorded a song by Manchester Orchestra called "Jimmy He Whispers". I loved having the freedom to experiment without expectation of results and the chance to play with harmonies and effects. It's exciting to think that that's now my studio to use forever and i'm sure the product of that will hit your ears in good time :)
Though with all this time to reflect, though i do realise i'm happier than i've been for a long time, i really miss home. i miss family and the fact that i don't get to see them so much anymore, and when i do, with not living at home obviously you have a different relationship. My families so spread out and we all are so involved in our individual busy lives where we are that i think we sometimes fail to remember each other, i am definitely guilty of this. I would love to meet up frequently with my mum and my siblings and just catch up, but truth is it's just not possible, i will try and just be grateful for the times i do get to see them. i also miss the country side, being able to go for long walks with pleasant scenery, contemplate life and often find myself open to creative inspiration. But enough about what i miss, i love life here, i am loving my week off and i shall go now to do some more recording.
Peace be with you friends.