A final goodbye

So i was sat in a coffee shop earlier today, as i love to do, and i noticed a man sat across from me. The creases in his tired face, the hat and coat he wore and the way he looked wind beaten all suggested he belonged at sea. i wanted to talk to him, i wanted him to tell me stories of ships and travelling confirming the past i'd imagined him for him. i was too much of a coward though, so his past remains a mystery to me, his stories remain untold and both me and him missed the chance for conversation, people connect far too little. i think the main force of fear that kept me pinned to my chair, my head stuck in my journal, was the fear of him disproving my theory. It would of saddened me to learn he spent his past working in a factory, he'd never left the city and the only stories he had to tell were of his struggle with the unrelenting hold of alcahol.
It got me thinkingn how G-d views his past. He knows him completely, He doesn't place preconceptions on him fearing that he would dissapoint, He knows who he is and He loves him for it. G-d would sit and listen lovingly whatever stories that man had to tell. i wish i'd spoken to him now, no, i wish i'd listened to him.

It's so foolish how i try to fool G-d and how i misunderstand Him. i have my preconceptions of how a "christian" should be and i falsely attribute those views to Him when He doesn't see me that way.
i've been starting to see recently how hard i am on myself,to qoute damien rice "G-d will forgive me but i whip myself scorn."

My hardest battle in life has been with depression, it's only recently i've submitted to use that word. After all how can a "christian" be depressed? Shouldn't G-d be everything? Doesn't that make me a failure? So i convince myself i'm fine and i, to use laura's very fitting words, beat my emotions into submission. i could never feel fine that way, the best i could do is not feel atall. i would close up and isolate myself, keeping distant anything (anyone) with the power to hurt me. i'd end up all alone just like i believe i should be. i came very close today to telling a good friend i didn't want to see her, speak to her or spend time with her anymore, simply because i care about her too much.

G-d spoke to me this morning, He said to stop taking matters into my own hands, to stop trying to heal myself, to stop trying to deal with those hurts in my own temporary way and to let Him bring lasting healing, but right now it seems like He's holding me in the most painful place and He wont let me leave till i learn the lesson i'm here to learn and i'm screaming at him "what do you want from me?" How can i not run away from this place? You can't blame me. When the depression's at it's worst i don't eat or sleep, right now i haven't eaten for hours, it's half 1 in the morning and i'm preparing myself for a night of watching films, sat alone, drinking rediculous amounts of coffee. There must be more than this. You can't blame me for dissapearing into my mind, to another place. Isolation's so lonely, it's so dangerous, but it feels so safe. In my mind i can be who i want to be, who i think i should be. i can be the perfect "christian", i can be funny, interesting, caring, a great musician. i can be a master of words, confident and the person everyone wants to spend time with. The person i can be in my dreams is not the person G-d made me to be, it's not how G-d see's me, but yet He still loves me. He wants to show me why and i want to learn.