"No lies, just love"

So Christ died for me and he calls me to die for Him, not in the physical, atleast he hasn't asked that yet, but day to day to die to my will, to my desires and follow after His. Giving up my life to serve Him, but when i do that i realise that i never had life in the first place, and when i give my life to Him, i find true life. i have true life, living and walking in it, that alone should excite me for eternity. So why does that death that comes with putting my life back in my own hands and following after my desires seem so appealing? i carry my desires with me like something i'll never need weighing down on me.
I have a tendency to stuff my bag to the point of near bursting when i go anywhere, with things i'll never need, but carry round incase i do, but will it really matter that infact I'm in the mood for reading something funny on the bus but only have "1984" and a Music Tech magazine on me?
"And she'd always weighed me down, but afraid I might need her, I dragged her around." - mewithoutYou
How those words scare me right now with their relevance. I carry round the weight of desires for things that G-d said no to along time ago, but i still constantly look, wait and hope for something to change there. When G-d says something will happen, when it's in His will, even when things look like they'll never happen that way, you can keep believing, because He's G-d, He can do what He wants and His word is final. When G-d says no, you're trusting in chance, yourself or someone else for these things to happen and that's hopeless already but as things prove to go further and further from that the hopelessness grows. It's like I'm walking happily along in this life that G-d has called me to live and then I catch a glimpse of old desires I'd given up to Him when I said "i will follow you" and in this twisted perspective that life looks better, so i run after it, or atleast long for it, and always end up hurt and dissapointed. Crawling back to Him, in shame and emberrassment, begging for forgiveness and asking for another chance to walk upon His path again. He never looks at me with shame though, He should be so ashamed of me, but He never is, just love........just love.
"So I'd like to make some changes, before you arrive, so when your new eyes meet mine they won't see no lies, Just love, just love." - Bright Eyes.
i'm not sure of the relevance of those lyrics, but they came to mind and i like them alot, so they're in.
I guess what i'm trying to say is when G-d says let go then let go. G-d called me once to throw away all my CD's which were having a negative effect on me, it was hard and I resisted for a while but in the end I did and subsequently He filled my collection with lots of music so much better than i had before and this time having a positive effect on me, and more than that He gave me a calling and said as this music's helped you, make music to help others. That's a path i'm walking along with excitement and anticipation, but what if i'd chosen my path? What if i'd of kept the angry music, the depressing music and all the other negative songs that i let infaltrate my mind, what kind of mess would i be now? i imagine a much bigger one than i currently am.
That reassures me to think of right now, it seems when G-d calls you to do something He doesn't let you see everything straight away, you just have to trust Him that it's all going to be ok. G-d called me to make music for Him and share Him with others and i said ok, i mean after all i love music, i love people and i love Him, it seemed like the obvious choice. But i also said "G-d, there's not much money in music, there's not much chance of ever making it past the pubs and i don't want to be left over 30 and unemployed or working in some crappy factory job or something." So i went to college and G-d let me and in someways i learned so much there. The bible says that "G-d uses all things for the good of those who love Him" (or something similer to that) and he used me going to college. But when i went back this year and then the band started, i was trying to work to buy equipment for the band, learn songs for the band, do guitar lessons and practice for the band, prepare lyrics and song structures, make band practices, do a leadership course so that i could learn to lead the band more effectively, spend that integral daily time in prayer and in His word and do college, it was all a bit too much and the stress near destroyed me at times. It wasn't just the lack of time, but it was the way i felt all the time, like i was choked, like nothing could really move or flow in my mind, because it was full of all things i needed to do, that doesn't make creativity very easy or natural and forced creativity isn't very creative atall. It was clear this wasn't G-d's plan for me and as i thought and prayed about it the safety net had to go, my life is in His hands and if His calling fails i no longer have my own plan to fall back on, but really my own plan never had to be there, His plans never fail! Even though quitting college has been a scary experience so far, it's all coming together so perfectly and as i get closer to Him, learn to trust Him more and more, and see Him working more as i have again and again in the past, i know this place will become more and more secure.
Jeremiah Chapter 29 Verse 11 - "For I know the thoughts that I think towards you says The Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."
Shalom.