Christmas, it's approaching and as usual the reminders of this are everywhere. Tv, radio, internet, daily conversation, shops and even the weather's getting involved to let us know the festive season is upon us. And what to make of it? It's a big deal, for over a month it becomes a focus of our country, ours and many others. Something so influential will inevitably conjure up strong feelings and with such diversity amongst us those feelings are bound to differ.
i think prominently those feelings are joyful, it's a time of presents, celebration, family and for some reason mulled wine. Others take a more controversial approach and feel a need to boycott Christmas or at least make it known that they are only joining in begrudgingly. Those immersed in the joy of Christmas don't take kindly to this and use derogatory terms for them such as scrooge and humbug designed to expose them as mere joy killers too concerned with their own grumpiness to be able to enjoy something as pure as Christmas and their stance against Christmas is hardly worth considering as it's merely a mask for the fact that they're just unhappy. Subsequently these excuses don't really get analysed, but when you do i think a case against Christmas could rouse substantial moral support.
The first and i believe strongest excuse is one of avoiding materialism. Christmas is heavily advertised and exploited for the sake of advertisement, money hoarding and business growth. Really do we need all these presents and do we need to buy all this crap. How many people are on your Christmas list that you have no idea what to get them? Could it be that that's because there's nothing worth you getting them. i'm all for gifts, and if you see or think of something that would bless a friend, family member or even enemy why not buy it and give it to them, it encourages love and selflessness and i'm all for these things. But if this is restricted to a time of year and becomes an obligation is there really any sincerity in it? The spontaneity of an out of season gift in my mind holds a much heartier weight.
The second reason i'd like for now to explore is this idea of the roots of Christmas. For those anti Christmas folk with no interest in Jesus they might argue that for them it seems hypocritical to celebrate His birth. On the other side you have those with a very active interest in Christ and for them there's an available point in the way Christmas has become seemingly distorted and betrayed it's original roots. Do the majority of peolpe celebrate with Him in mind? Do most our our modern day traditions originate from Him or for His purpose and is that really the time of year He was born anyway or wasn't the time dictated by paganism? i guess those are all fair shouts. But it's at this point in my path of thought i realise that i'm being far too analytical about the whole thing? Is cynicism always bad? i'd say no, but there's a place for nievity too and integrity comes not from flawlessness but exercising wisdom in knowing when to be nieve and when to be cynical.
Christmas like so many other things could be morally torn to pieces and if you have your own excuses for not joining in celebrations this year then fair enough, i hope that works out for you. But for me, i don't need much of an excuse to have fun and spend joyful time with my family and friends. And as for Christian content, what Jesus did on that cross for me is so wonderful that wether it's the time of year or not, wether it's on everyone elses heart or not, i wanna celebrate it.
You may not get a present from me this Christmas but just maybe you'll get one when you don't expect it and i can promise if nothing else this Christmas i'll send a smile your way.
Merry Christmas to you all.
Sunday, 5 December 2010
Sunday, 10 October 2010
"Get The Cheryl Cole Look"
This morning as i sat at a bus stop in the center of Nottingham i noticed a large picture of Cheryl Cole on a billboard to my left. Ask the majority of men for their opinion on the top 5 most attractive Women and i'm pretty sure Cheryl Cole would make her way in their somewhere and more than likely to number one. Myself i've always thought her to look too perfect, i know that sounds strange but there's just something so fake about it, it's got most of the nation so i suppose it works, but it hasn't got me. This advertisement was for a hair product and there was a slogan at the bottom saying "Get The Cheryl Cole Look". Because she's not just fantasized about by men but she's idolised by women. Women who decide they're not happy with who they are and they'd much rather look like her.
Once upon the bus i somewhat nosily tuned into a conversation happening behind me between a Swiss chap and an English lady. She was quizzing him on the cultural differences between his home in Switzerland and Nottingham. Interestingly he noted Fashion as the biggest point of change. i had a rather unsubtle glance behind me and i didn't observe his choice of clothes to stand out as unusual but maybe i'm not the best judge of this. The English Woman he was speaking to went on to mention how there seems to be such a large variety of fashions in Nottingham, like different groups.
i would agree there is variety but you can fit these groups in to genres and it seems that everyone's trying to look like someone else. Is no one happy to just be their self? My last blog about the Cynic returning like so much of what i say and i think i mean was a hasty outburst in a time of uncertainty. Things have become more certain now and me and Ellise have actually been seeing each other for 4 weeks now. One of the many things i like about Ellise is the way she doesn't fit into a stereotype. i was talking to her about this yesterday and she said that she doesn't wanna just follow trends or look like everyone else. She is Ellise and she does a very good job of being Ellise. i am not discounting the influence we can have on each other and how positive that can be but i think we as people need to learn to stay true to ourselves and not just follow the crowd. It's something i need to learn to do. There is so much of myself that has been influenced by other people and so much of that is good and i am thankful to those people, yet i keep realising that there's parts of me which has nothing to do with positive influence or who i want to be but more to do with attempted conformity. This conformity i guess is influenced by the crowd around you, a lot of people may drink or smoke to fit in with their friends. i grew up in a very church influenced lifestyle and my attempts for conformity were mainly efforts to fit in with the church. This may not be obviously bad but i don't wanna follow any crowd, i only wanna follow Jesus, i don't wanna learn who my church friends or leaders might want me to be i just wanna learn who Jesus wants me to be. As i follow G-d and get to know Him i get to know myself, who i was made to be and i'm starting to learn a lot of church has to do with tradition and legalism rather than faith and i think G-d's path for me might upset some people. Everything is up in the air at the moment and i am still trying to figure out where it should settle. i welcome this change but i am scared by it too, i feel so much weighs on these decisions, this will dictate the person i become. That's exciting though.
Once upon the bus i somewhat nosily tuned into a conversation happening behind me between a Swiss chap and an English lady. She was quizzing him on the cultural differences between his home in Switzerland and Nottingham. Interestingly he noted Fashion as the biggest point of change. i had a rather unsubtle glance behind me and i didn't observe his choice of clothes to stand out as unusual but maybe i'm not the best judge of this. The English Woman he was speaking to went on to mention how there seems to be such a large variety of fashions in Nottingham, like different groups.
i would agree there is variety but you can fit these groups in to genres and it seems that everyone's trying to look like someone else. Is no one happy to just be their self? My last blog about the Cynic returning like so much of what i say and i think i mean was a hasty outburst in a time of uncertainty. Things have become more certain now and me and Ellise have actually been seeing each other for 4 weeks now. One of the many things i like about Ellise is the way she doesn't fit into a stereotype. i was talking to her about this yesterday and she said that she doesn't wanna just follow trends or look like everyone else. She is Ellise and she does a very good job of being Ellise. i am not discounting the influence we can have on each other and how positive that can be but i think we as people need to learn to stay true to ourselves and not just follow the crowd. It's something i need to learn to do. There is so much of myself that has been influenced by other people and so much of that is good and i am thankful to those people, yet i keep realising that there's parts of me which has nothing to do with positive influence or who i want to be but more to do with attempted conformity. This conformity i guess is influenced by the crowd around you, a lot of people may drink or smoke to fit in with their friends. i grew up in a very church influenced lifestyle and my attempts for conformity were mainly efforts to fit in with the church. This may not be obviously bad but i don't wanna follow any crowd, i only wanna follow Jesus, i don't wanna learn who my church friends or leaders might want me to be i just wanna learn who Jesus wants me to be. As i follow G-d and get to know Him i get to know myself, who i was made to be and i'm starting to learn a lot of church has to do with tradition and legalism rather than faith and i think G-d's path for me might upset some people. Everything is up in the air at the moment and i am still trying to figure out where it should settle. i welcome this change but i am scared by it too, i feel so much weighs on these decisions, this will dictate the person i become. That's exciting though.
Monday, 30 August 2010
Return of the Cynic
It has been a considerable time since i have written in here, as usual my negligence has reigned with supremacy and contributions to this blog amongst other things have collected dust.
i'm not sure if i have nothing to write about or too much but it's hard to pin point a subject, however i wanna write something so forgive me if this isn't the most linear post you've ever read.
Let's start with the week just gone, it's fresh in my mind after all, we'll see where we go from there.
i've been called a Cynic many times, primarily due to my attitude or apparent attitude toward relationships. By relationships i mean romance not all relationships, i love people and make no secret of it. Romance however, i've always struggled to find how it fits with love. it seems to me that it involves the projection of your desires onto someone else and the hope that they'll fulfill them. Words from the bible, words from Jesus and words from so many incredible songs seem to tell me love is so much different to that, that it's sacrifice, giving up your own hopes and desires for the sake of others. Despite this belief when the idea of a girl becoming more than a friend presented itself this week i grasped it with both hands. Maybe i grasped it too hard or just misread it from the beginning but at the end of it i was left grasping nothing but the familiar cynicism i ignored in hope of what seemed like apparent joy. What is it about such attraction that made me forget all the strong words i had spoken before? i'm not trying to say it's wrong, i really don't know what's right and as much as it doesn't make sense to me it seems that's the way G-d made things to be. Is it possible to have a selfless romantic relationship? Probably, maybe i just don't know how yet. What struck me though was the fact that for a brief while wether it was right or wrong didn't really matter, i wanted it, i went for it. Am i really that week? What a blessing that in our weakness G-d is strong, what a reassurance that we are in His hands.
When i started writing this i thought it was going to hit many tangents, apparently not. There's a lot more to say but there's a lot more blog posts to come, that'll do for now.
Hope you're well, whoever you are.
Shalom
i'm not sure if i have nothing to write about or too much but it's hard to pin point a subject, however i wanna write something so forgive me if this isn't the most linear post you've ever read.
Let's start with the week just gone, it's fresh in my mind after all, we'll see where we go from there.
i've been called a Cynic many times, primarily due to my attitude or apparent attitude toward relationships. By relationships i mean romance not all relationships, i love people and make no secret of it. Romance however, i've always struggled to find how it fits with love. it seems to me that it involves the projection of your desires onto someone else and the hope that they'll fulfill them. Words from the bible, words from Jesus and words from so many incredible songs seem to tell me love is so much different to that, that it's sacrifice, giving up your own hopes and desires for the sake of others. Despite this belief when the idea of a girl becoming more than a friend presented itself this week i grasped it with both hands. Maybe i grasped it too hard or just misread it from the beginning but at the end of it i was left grasping nothing but the familiar cynicism i ignored in hope of what seemed like apparent joy. What is it about such attraction that made me forget all the strong words i had spoken before? i'm not trying to say it's wrong, i really don't know what's right and as much as it doesn't make sense to me it seems that's the way G-d made things to be. Is it possible to have a selfless romantic relationship? Probably, maybe i just don't know how yet. What struck me though was the fact that for a brief while wether it was right or wrong didn't really matter, i wanted it, i went for it. Am i really that week? What a blessing that in our weakness G-d is strong, what a reassurance that we are in His hands.
When i started writing this i thought it was going to hit many tangents, apparently not. There's a lot more to say but there's a lot more blog posts to come, that'll do for now.
Hope you're well, whoever you are.
Shalom
Thursday, 29 July 2010
?
Identity is found in Christ, this I understand, to an extent at least, I guess you can never really fully understand it. Also to say you're not really sure who you are is an extreme cliché, but what if it's true? It is true! I am so easily influenced, by company, what I've just watched or heard or whatever. I guess everyone is influenced and who you are is a product of what you soak up as you travel through but it's more than that with me. Everyone else seems to have their own unique identifiable personality, mine is non existent. I just seem to adapt to what's around me and if you asked what I actually am, I have no clue. I knew this before but it became so evident to me this evening as I found myself in a room with a group of strong personalities, beautifully strong and to see how they worked together was beautiful but I had no idea how to join in, I'm not even sure "I" exist, if I do I don't know what I am.
Sunday, 11 July 2010
Thorns
Listening is good but I often find G-d speaks to me when I'm not actively trying to hear Him. I love it when His voice catches me by surprise, I love the way He gets my attention.
This morning I went to church for no other reason than the fact that I was playing drums in the band and had to be there. I arrived early and the 9am service was still in process and Joshua was mid sermon. So I took a seat at the back and turned my attention to the splinter I'd been trying to remove from my finger the last few days. "We can not remove the thorns on our own" said Joshua from the front. The relevance of his words to my current activity initially amused me but it then occurred to me that this wasn't mere coincidence but potentially G-d trying to get my attention. So accepting Joshua's suggestion that I was incapable of thorn removal I left the splinter be for the moment and started to listen. He was talking about the parable of the sower and the danger of becoming one of each of the types of soil that didn't let the word of G-d take root. I thought about the thorns that were growing in my life, strangling my growth in G-d, strangling His word in my heart. For a long time I'd been waging war on these and too very little, if any at all, avail. Those habits I just can't break, those feelings I just can't let go of or those inadequacies that reveal themselves day after day, they just won't budge no matter how hard I try.
Joshua suggested that these thorns be taken to G-d laid at His feet and that we trust Him to remove them, not that discipline or effort is a bad thing but that it has to start with Him and be done through His strength. This wasn't anything I didn't already know in a way or hadn't heard before, but there was something about the way G-d said it through Joshua, the way He spoke it right in to my heart, that just made it so real to me.
On the bus home the book I'm currently reading was talking about how G-d isn't keeping score and yet we still try to score high. Truth is I've already got top marks in life, not because of anything I've done but because of what He did on the cross. I just need to live in the truth and freedom of that, taking the thorns that root themselves in my heart to His feet and letting Him change me.
G-d is good.
Shalom
This morning I went to church for no other reason than the fact that I was playing drums in the band and had to be there. I arrived early and the 9am service was still in process and Joshua was mid sermon. So I took a seat at the back and turned my attention to the splinter I'd been trying to remove from my finger the last few days. "We can not remove the thorns on our own" said Joshua from the front. The relevance of his words to my current activity initially amused me but it then occurred to me that this wasn't mere coincidence but potentially G-d trying to get my attention. So accepting Joshua's suggestion that I was incapable of thorn removal I left the splinter be for the moment and started to listen. He was talking about the parable of the sower and the danger of becoming one of each of the types of soil that didn't let the word of G-d take root. I thought about the thorns that were growing in my life, strangling my growth in G-d, strangling His word in my heart. For a long time I'd been waging war on these and too very little, if any at all, avail. Those habits I just can't break, those feelings I just can't let go of or those inadequacies that reveal themselves day after day, they just won't budge no matter how hard I try.
Joshua suggested that these thorns be taken to G-d laid at His feet and that we trust Him to remove them, not that discipline or effort is a bad thing but that it has to start with Him and be done through His strength. This wasn't anything I didn't already know in a way or hadn't heard before, but there was something about the way G-d said it through Joshua, the way He spoke it right in to my heart, that just made it so real to me.
On the bus home the book I'm currently reading was talking about how G-d isn't keeping score and yet we still try to score high. Truth is I've already got top marks in life, not because of anything I've done but because of what He did on the cross. I just need to live in the truth and freedom of that, taking the thorns that root themselves in my heart to His feet and letting Him change me.
G-d is good.
Shalom
Wednesday, 16 June 2010
Remember
Change, I long for it, then when it comes I miss the familiar, contentment is ever so evasive, but I'm learning and I'm trying to embrace a new perspective.
Right now I sit in a small dark room upstairs in the house I moved into a few weeks ago. I love it here, my friend Pete who I'm living with is a bit of a legend and I feel like we've made the most of this house. We're blessed that's for sure. Sky Sports, Darts, music and PES have become the most used features and I feel like I'm learning to relax and just enjoy life rather than pushing myself and beating myself up all the time. Things are looking up, the world cup's on, it's been crap so far but it's on and I'll enjoy every minute. Things in Early to the Vineyard are awesome and I can't quite believe we're going to be on tele. More important than that though I'm enjoying playing the songs and just being with the guys more than ever. I think that's important, enjoy what you have, be grateful for it, thank G-d for it, but also in thanks give it back to Him. Me and Pete have talked a lot about how seeming we're blessed with this wonderful house we'd love to share it, to use it to bless others in whatever way that works out. Music's blessed me, I want to use it to bless others, and as I learn more and more that this life is a blessing I want my life to be one that blesses others too.
I think back now on all those times I sat and wrote in this blog, moaning, upset at what I didn't have or at some mess I couldn't take my mind from when all the time I was so blessed. My family, my band, my friends, the fact that I have a job, somewhere to live, this computer, the chance to write this, so much freedom, a vote, sports, games, laughs, my guitars, my church and so very much more, these are all so beautiful and yet take all these things from me and I am still blessed because I have my G-d, the one who died on a cross for me, the one to whom nothing could ever compare, this is the greatest joy of all. let me not forget that.
I can't promise that I won't be back here again sometime once again moaning or expressing thoughts of sadness but I hope that when I do maybe I'll scroll down and this entry will serve as a reminder, a light shining amongst dark posts.
G-d let me not forget you.
I am thankful for who I am and I'm thankful for who you are too, whoever that is. So often I look at the brilliance of others and am saddened by the way I could never compare. Yet G-d made me and I will make the most of who He made me to be and try to appreciate the brilliance of others instead of longing for comparison.
I've just realised that this probably sounds like some cliched reformation, it just feels like a steady revelation to me.
My friends be blessed and don't forget that you are.
Shalom.
Right now I sit in a small dark room upstairs in the house I moved into a few weeks ago. I love it here, my friend Pete who I'm living with is a bit of a legend and I feel like we've made the most of this house. We're blessed that's for sure. Sky Sports, Darts, music and PES have become the most used features and I feel like I'm learning to relax and just enjoy life rather than pushing myself and beating myself up all the time. Things are looking up, the world cup's on, it's been crap so far but it's on and I'll enjoy every minute. Things in Early to the Vineyard are awesome and I can't quite believe we're going to be on tele. More important than that though I'm enjoying playing the songs and just being with the guys more than ever. I think that's important, enjoy what you have, be grateful for it, thank G-d for it, but also in thanks give it back to Him. Me and Pete have talked a lot about how seeming we're blessed with this wonderful house we'd love to share it, to use it to bless others in whatever way that works out. Music's blessed me, I want to use it to bless others, and as I learn more and more that this life is a blessing I want my life to be one that blesses others too.
I think back now on all those times I sat and wrote in this blog, moaning, upset at what I didn't have or at some mess I couldn't take my mind from when all the time I was so blessed. My family, my band, my friends, the fact that I have a job, somewhere to live, this computer, the chance to write this, so much freedom, a vote, sports, games, laughs, my guitars, my church and so very much more, these are all so beautiful and yet take all these things from me and I am still blessed because I have my G-d, the one who died on a cross for me, the one to whom nothing could ever compare, this is the greatest joy of all. let me not forget that.
I can't promise that I won't be back here again sometime once again moaning or expressing thoughts of sadness but I hope that when I do maybe I'll scroll down and this entry will serve as a reminder, a light shining amongst dark posts.
G-d let me not forget you.
I am thankful for who I am and I'm thankful for who you are too, whoever that is. So often I look at the brilliance of others and am saddened by the way I could never compare. Yet G-d made me and I will make the most of who He made me to be and try to appreciate the brilliance of others instead of longing for comparison.
I've just realised that this probably sounds like some cliched reformation, it just feels like a steady revelation to me.
My friends be blessed and don't forget that you are.
Shalom.
Tuesday, 8 June 2010
....better....
I'm doing better, last night's perspective was strange. G-d is good, His Grace is endless, even when things hurt.
Let love be your joy, the joy that wounds.
Peace
Let love be your joy, the joy that wounds.
Peace
Monday, 7 June 2010
Only myself
Maybe the short post just wont suffice.
Truth is I'm feeling pretty broken right now. When a thing of beauty becomes a thing of need you distort it. When things get distorted I hate who I become, I crave attention and act like a fool to get it. It's like I'm watching myself cringing at every sad desperate display. I'm struggling to like myself right now. I am to myself like that annoying and embarrassing friend that follows you around, dragging you down. The night air seems cool and appealing, but I know how ever much I walk I shall never escape myself. The space will help though and really, what else have I to do? It's been hours since I've eaten, it will probably be a long time till I eat again, sleep will prove evasive for a few days too. I don't come out of this cycle easy, the trick is not to get into it. I thought I'd sussed that one, who was I fooling? Only myself. I am only myself, how will that ever do?
Truth is I'm feeling pretty broken right now. When a thing of beauty becomes a thing of need you distort it. When things get distorted I hate who I become, I crave attention and act like a fool to get it. It's like I'm watching myself cringing at every sad desperate display. I'm struggling to like myself right now. I am to myself like that annoying and embarrassing friend that follows you around, dragging you down. The night air seems cool and appealing, but I know how ever much I walk I shall never escape myself. The space will help though and really, what else have I to do? It's been hours since I've eaten, it will probably be a long time till I eat again, sleep will prove evasive for a few days too. I don't come out of this cycle easy, the trick is not to get into it. I thought I'd sussed that one, who was I fooling? Only myself. I am only myself, how will that ever do?
Words should never be spoken
I finally have internet again, I was going to mark this occasion with an in depth update of all things. All things seems so meaningless now in the face of realising what a mess I am! All this time I've been fine have I just been pretending? "Someone show me a way out of this cycle."
Tuesday, 18 May 2010
Where have you gone?
It seems that when I write I always try and present answers. A friend at work always says to me "you always have to be right don't you Josh?" This confused me at first as I'll happily admit when I'm wrong and wont try and argue my point. It made more sense to me when I realised how I always strive for answers. For my problems, my questions, others peoples questions and problems, I like to think I can figure it all out. I can't.
One question on my mind right now, where has G-d gone?
It seems that me and many of my friends are struggling at the moment with feeling like G-d's distant, friends with strong relationships with Him feel like they can't connect there anymore. So has G-d just dissapeared? I don't think so, but I don't know what He's doing. I don't have to know, He's G-d, who am I to question Him. I'd rather just trust Him. He is good! He is love! He is everything!
One question on my mind right now, where has G-d gone?
It seems that me and many of my friends are struggling at the moment with feeling like G-d's distant, friends with strong relationships with Him feel like they can't connect there anymore. So has G-d just dissapeared? I don't think so, but I don't know what He's doing. I don't have to know, He's G-d, who am I to question Him. I'd rather just trust Him. He is good! He is love! He is everything!
Thursday, 6 May 2010
Space
If time didn't fill up so fast my posts here would be longer and more frequent. I hate the rush of life right now, it does more than cause me to run for busses or wolf down my breakfast, it clouds my mind. I forget things, I mess up things and that seems to be getting me in to a lot of trouble at the moment. Worst of all I just can't prioritise, I struggle to pray and I can't really evaluate my perception on the important things because I can't understand it, I can't order my thoughts, it's all just a cloudy mess.
I miss long walks, I miss sitting and reading or praying or thinking or listening to music or chatting or just being. I miss being and am sick of all this doing.
G-d cut through the cloud, give me space, give me light.
Shalom.
I miss long walks, I miss sitting and reading or praying or thinking or listening to music or chatting or just being. I miss being and am sick of all this doing.
G-d cut through the cloud, give me space, give me light.
Shalom.
Wednesday, 5 May 2010
Ocean
I am terrified when I think upon the vastness of the ocean, I am reminded most assuredly of my own inferiority. How small I am in comparison, how easily I could be swallowed up, yet I feel compelled to jump in, my arms spread wide, hoping somehow to hold it and to be held within.
"A fish swims in the sea yet the sea is in a certain sense contained within the fish. Oh what am I to think of what the writings of a thousand lifetimes could not explain if all the forest trees were pens and all the oceans ink?"
"A fish swims in the sea yet the sea is in a certain sense contained within the fish. Oh what am I to think of what the writings of a thousand lifetimes could not explain if all the forest trees were pens and all the oceans ink?"
Wednesday, 21 April 2010
Look at the light
Recently in a conversation with my friend I described my "depression" as like a darkness that takes over inside me, one I can't stop or even control. Upon hearing the words darkness he sent me this text. He found this qoute on the back of a card that he got when he ordered something from a clothing company. Pretty sweet.
"Amidst the struggles of this reality I know, I see my failures, my sweet failures. My downfalls, my stabbing pains. Again face:face with the ground. I have nowhere to run to hide, in darkness I have stumbled in circles. The disease will not be shaken,
neglected.....
My rage,selfishness,power cannot cut it out of my system, it has bcome the shadow I see when I turn from the light.
There is a spark, a flame, a beauty I can't deny, a beauty inside my eyes. This beauty has effortlessly captured my every desire. What have I left but to surrender, to be consumed in light, to let my darkness dissolve in the beauty of light."
He finishes the text "G-d bless you Josh" and you He has. More than I know and more than I sometimes show grattitude for. I am blessed to even know a glimpse of the love of G-d.
"Amidst the struggles of this reality I know, I see my failures, my sweet failures. My downfalls, my stabbing pains. Again face:face with the ground. I have nowhere to run to hide, in darkness I have stumbled in circles. The disease will not be shaken,
neglected.....
My rage,selfishness,power cannot cut it out of my system, it has bcome the shadow I see when I turn from the light.
There is a spark, a flame, a beauty I can't deny, a beauty inside my eyes. This beauty has effortlessly captured my every desire. What have I left but to surrender, to be consumed in light, to let my darkness dissolve in the beauty of light."
He finishes the text "G-d bless you Josh" and you He has. More than I know and more than I sometimes show grattitude for. I am blessed to even know a glimpse of the love of G-d.
Thursday, 15 April 2010
The taste of coffee, the man with an umburella and the happy frenchman.
Coffee doesn't taste good does it? Lets be honest, that's why they need to fancy it up with lots of chocolate, cream, caramel or something equally sweet. While you're working through this you believe coffee's good for a while but once you reach the brown liquid you're reminded once again how bad it really does taste. It's bearable and these additions make it more bearable and we need to make it bearable, because we don't drink it for the taste. There's the caffeine obviously and that's a definite positive coffee (why drink decaf? What's the point?) but I think it's more about image, atmosphere, feel. A journal in a coffee shop just fits so well in a neo psuedo life, late night chats over coffee denote a meaningful friendship, taking a coffee on the train is the best way to travel. It just all fits, it feels right, it looks right, it is right, it just doesn't taste right? Am I right?
I sat in a coffee shop today, precisely for the reasons listed above, and I watched people, something I love to do in coffee shops. There was a man who came in holding an umburella, an elderly man but he walked as if he was younger, he had a limp and his legs were clearly tiring, but there was still a youthful skip in his step. He looked so confident, he believed in himself. I thought to myself, he must of been something special when he was younger, look how confident he is. Then I thought, was he confident because he was special or was he something special because he was confident. Old age hadn't taken that confidence from him, was it really based on anything other than self belief. We are free, we are brilliant, not because of us but because of Jesus, belive you are brilliant because of this and you will be brilliant, trust me.
As I left I chatted briefly to the happiest frenchman you will ever meet, I want to visit france now.
That is all.
Shalom
I sat in a coffee shop today, precisely for the reasons listed above, and I watched people, something I love to do in coffee shops. There was a man who came in holding an umburella, an elderly man but he walked as if he was younger, he had a limp and his legs were clearly tiring, but there was still a youthful skip in his step. He looked so confident, he believed in himself. I thought to myself, he must of been something special when he was younger, look how confident he is. Then I thought, was he confident because he was special or was he something special because he was confident. Old age hadn't taken that confidence from him, was it really based on anything other than self belief. We are free, we are brilliant, not because of us but because of Jesus, belive you are brilliant because of this and you will be brilliant, trust me.
As I left I chatted briefly to the happiest frenchman you will ever meet, I want to visit france now.
That is all.
Shalom
Thursday, 8 April 2010
Life
This life isn't about me and this life isn't for me. Don't let me forget that!
"What else here to do? What else me but You?"
"What else here to do? What else me but You?"
Saturday, 3 April 2010
Forget and not slow down (The additional lost poem)
So I referenced a Rumi poem in the blog I posted last night but said I couldn't find it at that time.
I decided to have another little search this morning and I think I found it. I'd never read the poem only had it described to me and I was intrigued to find it to speak a lot of seperation. The type of flute turned out to be a reed flute and here's the poem -
"Listen to the story told by the reed,
of being separated.
"Since I was cut from the reedbed,
I have made this crying sound.
Anyone apart from someone he loves
understands what I say.
Anyone pulled from a source
longs to go back.
At any gathering I am there,
mingling in the laughing and grieving,
a friend to each, but few
will hear the secrets hidden
within the notes. No ears for that.
Body flowing out of spirit,
spirit up from body: no concealing
that mixing. But it's not given us
to see the soul. The reed flute
is fire, not wind. Be that empty."
Hear the love fire tangled
in the reed notes, as bewilderment
melts into wine. The reed is a friend
to all who want the fabric torn
and drawn away. The reed is hurt
and salve combining. Intimacy
and longing for intimacy, one
song. A disastrous surrender
and a fine love, together. The one
who secretly hears this is senseless.
A tongue has one customer, the ear.
A sugarcane flute has such effect
because it was able to make sugar
in the reedbed. The sound it makes
is for everyone. Days full of wanting,
let them go by without worrying
that they do. Stay where you are
inside such a pure, hollow note.
Every thirst gets satisfied except
that of these fish, the mystics,
who swim a vast ocean of grace
still somehow longing for it!
No one lives in that without
being nourished every day.
But if someone doesn't want to hear
the song of the reed flute,
it's best to cut conversation
short, say good-bye, and leave."
Rumi
For those of you who are interested. Rumi was a 13th century persian sufi poet. Sufism is a type of muslim mysticism.
Shalom.
I decided to have another little search this morning and I think I found it. I'd never read the poem only had it described to me and I was intrigued to find it to speak a lot of seperation. The type of flute turned out to be a reed flute and here's the poem -
"Listen to the story told by the reed,
of being separated.
"Since I was cut from the reedbed,
I have made this crying sound.
Anyone apart from someone he loves
understands what I say.
Anyone pulled from a source
longs to go back.
At any gathering I am there,
mingling in the laughing and grieving,
a friend to each, but few
will hear the secrets hidden
within the notes. No ears for that.
Body flowing out of spirit,
spirit up from body: no concealing
that mixing. But it's not given us
to see the soul. The reed flute
is fire, not wind. Be that empty."
Hear the love fire tangled
in the reed notes, as bewilderment
melts into wine. The reed is a friend
to all who want the fabric torn
and drawn away. The reed is hurt
and salve combining. Intimacy
and longing for intimacy, one
song. A disastrous surrender
and a fine love, together. The one
who secretly hears this is senseless.
A tongue has one customer, the ear.
A sugarcane flute has such effect
because it was able to make sugar
in the reedbed. The sound it makes
is for everyone. Days full of wanting,
let them go by without worrying
that they do. Stay where you are
inside such a pure, hollow note.
Every thirst gets satisfied except
that of these fish, the mystics,
who swim a vast ocean of grace
still somehow longing for it!
No one lives in that without
being nourished every day.
But if someone doesn't want to hear
the song of the reed flute,
it's best to cut conversation
short, say good-bye, and leave."
Rumi
For those of you who are interested. Rumi was a 13th century persian sufi poet. Sufism is a type of muslim mysticism.
Shalom.
Friday, 2 April 2010
"Forget and not slow down"
Realisations and lessons at times come in painful packages. Let me tell you what I hope I've learned and how.
This week a friend placed a restriction upon our friendship, it was someone I care about deeply so it hurt when she did this. My mind set upon it's usual path of unrelenting analysis, a road it won't stop walking until it settles upon an answer that brings peace.
Firstly why? This process deals with the past and is healthy not to be a long one but that's just something I've not mastered yet.
The simplest answer is just to say it was my fault but this begs a deeper study as to why I did or said certain things. As is often the case when things get less than casual I lay out my verbal outburst upon the ears of my friend Laura. If she could just lend a patient ear that would be enough and she does this so well and yet more when she offers words of such wisdom and rewarding perspective. I show nowhere near enough gratitude for this. Her words carried the bluntness they needed when she told me I'm rubbish at handling my emotions. (Why do they call it blunt when it's often the bluntest words that carry the sharpness to get through?) This incredibly was delivered in the context of a compliment.
I guess we hate change(I use plural because I know I'm not alone in this) so we convince ourselves and everyone else there's not a problem. It is good and right to see the good that is in us, it is good to see how far we've come but there will always be problems, we will never be okay, we will never be perfect and that's why we should never stop changing. Laura suggested I write a list of all the good things about myself on a sheet of paper and and all the bad in a column next to it, then rip it in half and throw away the negative. What's left is how G-d sees us, that's how I want to see myself.
But indeed I'm not dismissing by throwing away the negative, simply placing in G-d's hands. He sees the good and delights in it, but He also sees the potential for what we can become.
Oh G-d give me eyes to see. In You I am okay, because of you and only because of You Lord, I am perfect.
So where did I go wrong? I think friendship is a steady and in the case of true friendship a natural process. When you first begin the journey of friendship there's distance, this distance is perhaps in the form of how comfortable you are around each other, how much you know about each other and I think most importantly how open you are with each other. This gap closes as the journey progresses but the progression has to be relative. If you imagine this gap closing as two people walk towards each other I guess what happened in the friendship I speak of is that I kept walking as she stood still or took smaller steps, we did not meet on middle ground. She I presume became intimidated by my intrusion and I became frustrated with her lack of movement, in the end the only option was to step back.
The reason for this was my feelings, I liked her, desired a closeness and pushed for this at an unnatural level.I deeply regret this.
It's the cliche to say you don't know what you've got till it's gone but they seem the most relevant words right now. She truly is wonderful, to have her friendship is an incredible blessing, I don't care about any feelings now, I just want a friendship with restored normality, but I also guess that trust is only earned. Why is perspective always retro?
It hurt to have her put this distance in place and the feelings only made it worse but I see it's necessity. The explanation for this comes in the second step of the contemplation process and this is a much more forward looking one that deals with how to go on from this place I've put myself in. This I believe requires much prayer and guidance from The Lord, His word is to be a light to our feet. This is another lesson I need to learn as I have a terrible habit of acting in response to emotions without much thought never mind prayer. I think I became somewhat consumed by these emotions to the extent that they controlled me, taking a step back allows me to focus on G-d and adopt His perspective.
I am reminded of one of Rumi's poems at this point. I do often find there to be hidden gems of wisdom in Rumi's words, him being sufi I don't agree with everything he says or seems to believe but he has what I believe to be such a wonderful understanding of letting of attachments and spiritual growth. In this particular poem he talks about a particular type of flute and the process of it being made, though unfortunately I can't remember what name the flute or the poem goes by.
He describes the painful process of hollowing out whatever it's made from, brutally shaping it into it's desired form. Though the process is painful the end product is a sweet and beautiful sound. This painful process is one I'm going through right now but I'm excited about how I can grow through it and who I can become. It also excites me how whenever Rumi does have anything wise to say it lines up with scripture. Refining fire, purifying gold.
I think though I personally am going through this process, the friendship possibly is too, this obviously depends on how she sees things but my hope is that we can have a good friendship again and though it's necessary for me to step back now I hope it's not the final step. I know I need time to refocus but I hope once I've proved to both her and myself that neither feelings nor emotions will dominate, that the process of friendship can begin again, this time upon a healthy and natural course and that a beautiful friendship can blossom. It's the opportunity for a clean slate and a new start if such forgiveness can be found and if not then G-d is still good so I will rejoice all the same.
I've found a peace I know only G-d can give. Be my strength through this Father. Maybe now my mind can rest.
Shalom.
I couldn't find the Rumi poem that I made reference to but during my search for it I found this and thought it was wonderful.
"We are as the flute, and the music in us is from thee;
we are as the mountain and the echo in us is from thee.
We are as pieces of chess engaged in victory and defeat:
our victory and defeat is from thee, O thou whose qualities are comely!
Who are we, O Thou soul of our souls,
that we should remain in being beside thee?
We and our existences are really non-existence;
thou art the absolute Being which manifests the perishable.
We all are lions, but lions on a banner:
because of the wind they are rushing onward from moment to moment.
Their onward rush is visible, and the wind is unseen:
may that which is unseen not fail from us!
Our wind whereby we are moved and our being are of thy gift;
our whole existence is from thy bringing into being."
Rumi
This week a friend placed a restriction upon our friendship, it was someone I care about deeply so it hurt when she did this. My mind set upon it's usual path of unrelenting analysis, a road it won't stop walking until it settles upon an answer that brings peace.
Firstly why? This process deals with the past and is healthy not to be a long one but that's just something I've not mastered yet.
The simplest answer is just to say it was my fault but this begs a deeper study as to why I did or said certain things. As is often the case when things get less than casual I lay out my verbal outburst upon the ears of my friend Laura. If she could just lend a patient ear that would be enough and she does this so well and yet more when she offers words of such wisdom and rewarding perspective. I show nowhere near enough gratitude for this. Her words carried the bluntness they needed when she told me I'm rubbish at handling my emotions. (Why do they call it blunt when it's often the bluntest words that carry the sharpness to get through?) This incredibly was delivered in the context of a compliment.
I guess we hate change(I use plural because I know I'm not alone in this) so we convince ourselves and everyone else there's not a problem. It is good and right to see the good that is in us, it is good to see how far we've come but there will always be problems, we will never be okay, we will never be perfect and that's why we should never stop changing. Laura suggested I write a list of all the good things about myself on a sheet of paper and and all the bad in a column next to it, then rip it in half and throw away the negative. What's left is how G-d sees us, that's how I want to see myself.
But indeed I'm not dismissing by throwing away the negative, simply placing in G-d's hands. He sees the good and delights in it, but He also sees the potential for what we can become.
Oh G-d give me eyes to see. In You I am okay, because of you and only because of You Lord, I am perfect.
So where did I go wrong? I think friendship is a steady and in the case of true friendship a natural process. When you first begin the journey of friendship there's distance, this distance is perhaps in the form of how comfortable you are around each other, how much you know about each other and I think most importantly how open you are with each other. This gap closes as the journey progresses but the progression has to be relative. If you imagine this gap closing as two people walk towards each other I guess what happened in the friendship I speak of is that I kept walking as she stood still or took smaller steps, we did not meet on middle ground. She I presume became intimidated by my intrusion and I became frustrated with her lack of movement, in the end the only option was to step back.
The reason for this was my feelings, I liked her, desired a closeness and pushed for this at an unnatural level.I deeply regret this.
It's the cliche to say you don't know what you've got till it's gone but they seem the most relevant words right now. She truly is wonderful, to have her friendship is an incredible blessing, I don't care about any feelings now, I just want a friendship with restored normality, but I also guess that trust is only earned. Why is perspective always retro?
It hurt to have her put this distance in place and the feelings only made it worse but I see it's necessity. The explanation for this comes in the second step of the contemplation process and this is a much more forward looking one that deals with how to go on from this place I've put myself in. This I believe requires much prayer and guidance from The Lord, His word is to be a light to our feet. This is another lesson I need to learn as I have a terrible habit of acting in response to emotions without much thought never mind prayer. I think I became somewhat consumed by these emotions to the extent that they controlled me, taking a step back allows me to focus on G-d and adopt His perspective.
I am reminded of one of Rumi's poems at this point. I do often find there to be hidden gems of wisdom in Rumi's words, him being sufi I don't agree with everything he says or seems to believe but he has what I believe to be such a wonderful understanding of letting of attachments and spiritual growth. In this particular poem he talks about a particular type of flute and the process of it being made, though unfortunately I can't remember what name the flute or the poem goes by.
He describes the painful process of hollowing out whatever it's made from, brutally shaping it into it's desired form. Though the process is painful the end product is a sweet and beautiful sound. This painful process is one I'm going through right now but I'm excited about how I can grow through it and who I can become. It also excites me how whenever Rumi does have anything wise to say it lines up with scripture. Refining fire, purifying gold.
I think though I personally am going through this process, the friendship possibly is too, this obviously depends on how she sees things but my hope is that we can have a good friendship again and though it's necessary for me to step back now I hope it's not the final step. I know I need time to refocus but I hope once I've proved to both her and myself that neither feelings nor emotions will dominate, that the process of friendship can begin again, this time upon a healthy and natural course and that a beautiful friendship can blossom. It's the opportunity for a clean slate and a new start if such forgiveness can be found and if not then G-d is still good so I will rejoice all the same.
I've found a peace I know only G-d can give. Be my strength through this Father. Maybe now my mind can rest.
Shalom.
I couldn't find the Rumi poem that I made reference to but during my search for it I found this and thought it was wonderful.
"We are as the flute, and the music in us is from thee;
we are as the mountain and the echo in us is from thee.
We are as pieces of chess engaged in victory and defeat:
our victory and defeat is from thee, O thou whose qualities are comely!
Who are we, O Thou soul of our souls,
that we should remain in being beside thee?
We and our existences are really non-existence;
thou art the absolute Being which manifests the perishable.
We all are lions, but lions on a banner:
because of the wind they are rushing onward from moment to moment.
Their onward rush is visible, and the wind is unseen:
may that which is unseen not fail from us!
Our wind whereby we are moved and our being are of thy gift;
our whole existence is from thy bringing into being."
Rumi
Monday, 29 March 2010
Moods
It's funny how they change, at times I'm convinced I'm bipolar.
Today though, has been the darkest day in a long time. So much so that my friend has had to come over because I just can't bare to be alone, he's staying the night and I'm thankful for it. I see clearly now but it still hurts to be here. Anyway we're off for a game of boggle, I hope it can distract me for a while.
Today though, has been the darkest day in a long time. So much so that my friend has had to come over because I just can't bare to be alone, he's staying the night and I'm thankful for it. I see clearly now but it still hurts to be here. Anyway we're off for a game of boggle, I hope it can distract me for a while.
Thursday, 18 March 2010
I am selfish!
I am selfish, these words keep running through my mind, frightening me with their truth. I was reading a book today that asked me to think about somoene who I really admire and who's really inspired me. I chose to bring to mind a man named Aaron Weiss, he's been a huge influence for me and displays so much of what I want to be, so much of Jesus basically. It then asked me to think about which one character I most admire about him/her (in this case him), interestingly I chose his selflesness. So why does this quality evade me so? partly, possibly because of my high self standards and the harshness I inflict upon myself as I constantly fail to meet these, but even these standards I have surely stand to prove how self consumed I am. G-d take my eyes from me and fix them upon you.
It seems that I get little space to breathe these days, those long walks where I'd just talk to G-d, those 4am stay ups where I'd enjoy the quiet and the peace of night and just chat to Him, why doesn't it happen anymore? A full time job is restricting for sure, but nothing should take the place of G-d, ever! More than that I want to serve G-d, really serve Him, giving up everything, going to the lowly and accepting them as Jesus did, loving them selflessly like I see with such admiration. Jesus teach me, shape me, lead me and use me.
Amen
It seems that I get little space to breathe these days, those long walks where I'd just talk to G-d, those 4am stay ups where I'd enjoy the quiet and the peace of night and just chat to Him, why doesn't it happen anymore? A full time job is restricting for sure, but nothing should take the place of G-d, ever! More than that I want to serve G-d, really serve Him, giving up everything, going to the lowly and accepting them as Jesus did, loving them selflessly like I see with such admiration. Jesus teach me, shape me, lead me and use me.
Amen
Wednesday, 17 March 2010
Fruition
There's a group of old men behind me recounting stories from their youth, there's something beautiful about hearing them and in a small way, listening in I can share the joy they're obvisouly feeling as they reminisce.
I wonder when I'm an old man sitting and chatting with my friends, what will be the stories I tell? What will be the best and most memorable days of my life? Will they be happy stories I tell with contentment or will I speak regretfully or longingly? My days are short here and though I don't want to live for this life I want to make the most of it and I'm not sure if I can do that here.
Recently I've not been able to shake the thought of leaving, at times I just want to stand up walk out the door, get on a train, go wherever. I spent the weekend in Leeds and I didn't want to come home, now I am home I want to be back there, or anywhere.
It's not that I don't love this place, or these people. I have the best friends, I really do, I just want to escape. I guess I'm only trying to escape myself, it would be a new place but the same feelings, I'd still put myself down. The fact is I don't enjoy all I have here because I perpetually isolate myself, I tell myself I don't belong here because all I have here is amazing and I don't deserve it. I am blessed and I don't need a new life to start living in that. I have a purpose here and I can walk in that. I don't need a new life, I just need to live the one I have.
Speaking of purpose, I'm so excited about the band right now. I keep expecting something to go wrong, for it to fall apart, it can't be this right...can it? I guess it can, and only because G-d made it so. We hit struggles but they only seem to make us grow. I have this perception toward my life where I just expect everything to go wrong, but if I'm walking in G-d's will all works for His glory. Whether it goes to my plan or not really doesn't matter, it's about G-d's plan and the more I seek His plan, the more I see of it, the more right it all seems. G-d is good, sometimes suprising, often unpredictable, but always good.
I have new song ideas going round my head, hopefully they'll have the opportunity to come into fruition soon.
I wonder when I'm an old man sitting and chatting with my friends, what will be the stories I tell? What will be the best and most memorable days of my life? Will they be happy stories I tell with contentment or will I speak regretfully or longingly? My days are short here and though I don't want to live for this life I want to make the most of it and I'm not sure if I can do that here.
Recently I've not been able to shake the thought of leaving, at times I just want to stand up walk out the door, get on a train, go wherever. I spent the weekend in Leeds and I didn't want to come home, now I am home I want to be back there, or anywhere.
It's not that I don't love this place, or these people. I have the best friends, I really do, I just want to escape. I guess I'm only trying to escape myself, it would be a new place but the same feelings, I'd still put myself down. The fact is I don't enjoy all I have here because I perpetually isolate myself, I tell myself I don't belong here because all I have here is amazing and I don't deserve it. I am blessed and I don't need a new life to start living in that. I have a purpose here and I can walk in that. I don't need a new life, I just need to live the one I have.
Speaking of purpose, I'm so excited about the band right now. I keep expecting something to go wrong, for it to fall apart, it can't be this right...can it? I guess it can, and only because G-d made it so. We hit struggles but they only seem to make us grow. I have this perception toward my life where I just expect everything to go wrong, but if I'm walking in G-d's will all works for His glory. Whether it goes to my plan or not really doesn't matter, it's about G-d's plan and the more I seek His plan, the more I see of it, the more right it all seems. G-d is good, sometimes suprising, often unpredictable, but always good.
I have new song ideas going round my head, hopefully they'll have the opportunity to come into fruition soon.
Sunday, 7 March 2010
Saturday, 6 March 2010
About this City
This is a copy of a message I sent to my band this week, I'm excited, I wanted to share it, I'm excited :)
So I spoke about a while a go of how an album was unfolding in my mind, I've kept quiet since then for lack of substance to my thoughts, but I've been noticing links and consitencies throughout the songs we've been writing and knew these were more than coincidences. For various reasons my mind hasn't had much space recently but this afternoon it breathed and breathed deep, the puzzle started to progress and I started to get excited. I'm currently in a library and have limited time so I can't choose my words as carefully as I'd like, I'm afraid you'll just have to deconstruct the mind bleed.
So I'd like to eventually put the songs we've been writing together to make an album called "About this City", if not the name the theme at least I'd like to stand.
About this City obviously could be interpereted in different ways, does it mean to go about this city or I'll tell you about this city, I like the ambiguity of this and wouldn't neccesarily want to answer it. That's very much the feel for the album I'd like to carry through. Imagery, poetry or expression that can be applied and interpereted personally to yourself.
Cities I like, I like the lights, I like the feel, I like the way so many different people gather together, but I also see a deeper meaning to using them as a concept. They're very much the opposite to Vineyards, Vineyards are quiet, peaceful and vacant, you'd presume a city to be loud, busy and bustling with people. If you remember I spoke about the Vineyard being a representation of the place we meet with G-d, the quiet place. Cities I guess are the opposite and in this case for me represent the world. A world of people searching for some sort of hope in the world where it can never be found. That's the idea of this album I think, a contrast, a presentation of the two.
Steve spoke on sunday about how we live in this life but live for the next life, how we walk in the temporary but the eternity is bleeding through, that just seems to fit really well for this. Very much like the vision for the band there's 2 types of people (in particular) that we're reaching out too. One, those who are searching for hope and probably looking in all the wrong places, the lost. We want to say here is a hope and I guess this album would really work for that. There's a song I've written lyrics for called "I placed my heart in a sinking ship", this would be a key theme, the ship representing the earth and the statement of it sinking suggesting its temporary state. This life is passing and if we place hope in it our hope will pass with it, that's a key message I think. The second target audience (if you like) would be those who are walking with G-d, people like you and me who have a faith but face the temptations of the world and the struggles of life, I know this reality and want to reach out to those who can empaphise. The idea is of pure expression and that's why the contrast presents itself, because even though I walk with G-d, the world has the power to steal the focus of my mind, this brings sadness, struggle and at times even loss of hope, but it's a reality and one I want to sing about in an honest way.
This album would only work in honesty, not just from me but from all of us, it would be an emalgemation of expression from all 3 of us and that's why I'm presenting this to you now, I see this unfolding and would like you guys on board as we work towards constructing it into something tangible and audible. It's already happening, Drifted is about an ending relationship, very much in theme with the idea that the things of this world don't last. Even though it's not finished the idea behind Sunset seemed to fit beautifully too and not only what we've written but the lives we've all been living, the things we've been through, the conversations we've had, there's been wonderful parallells within them all.
These are just the beginnings of ideas, please feedback and please throw in your own, if what I'm feeling is the right direction for us I'm excited to see it grow.
Obviously this doesn't mean much toward change or initiation yet, we keep writing as we write and we see how things join naturally but I wanted you guys to join me in this sense of direction and I wanted the thoughts to grow within all our minds.
There was so much more going round my head but that will do for now, sorry it's long but please try and understand it, I'm so excited about this, not just the concept but also its purpose. Any questions just ask, any thoughts just post, that's why I've started it in a discussion.
Peace friends.
Josh :)
So I spoke about a while a go of how an album was unfolding in my mind, I've kept quiet since then for lack of substance to my thoughts, but I've been noticing links and consitencies throughout the songs we've been writing and knew these were more than coincidences. For various reasons my mind hasn't had much space recently but this afternoon it breathed and breathed deep, the puzzle started to progress and I started to get excited. I'm currently in a library and have limited time so I can't choose my words as carefully as I'd like, I'm afraid you'll just have to deconstruct the mind bleed.
So I'd like to eventually put the songs we've been writing together to make an album called "About this City", if not the name the theme at least I'd like to stand.
About this City obviously could be interpereted in different ways, does it mean to go about this city or I'll tell you about this city, I like the ambiguity of this and wouldn't neccesarily want to answer it. That's very much the feel for the album I'd like to carry through. Imagery, poetry or expression that can be applied and interpereted personally to yourself.
Cities I like, I like the lights, I like the feel, I like the way so many different people gather together, but I also see a deeper meaning to using them as a concept. They're very much the opposite to Vineyards, Vineyards are quiet, peaceful and vacant, you'd presume a city to be loud, busy and bustling with people. If you remember I spoke about the Vineyard being a representation of the place we meet with G-d, the quiet place. Cities I guess are the opposite and in this case for me represent the world. A world of people searching for some sort of hope in the world where it can never be found. That's the idea of this album I think, a contrast, a presentation of the two.
Steve spoke on sunday about how we live in this life but live for the next life, how we walk in the temporary but the eternity is bleeding through, that just seems to fit really well for this. Very much like the vision for the band there's 2 types of people (in particular) that we're reaching out too. One, those who are searching for hope and probably looking in all the wrong places, the lost. We want to say here is a hope and I guess this album would really work for that. There's a song I've written lyrics for called "I placed my heart in a sinking ship", this would be a key theme, the ship representing the earth and the statement of it sinking suggesting its temporary state. This life is passing and if we place hope in it our hope will pass with it, that's a key message I think. The second target audience (if you like) would be those who are walking with G-d, people like you and me who have a faith but face the temptations of the world and the struggles of life, I know this reality and want to reach out to those who can empaphise. The idea is of pure expression and that's why the contrast presents itself, because even though I walk with G-d, the world has the power to steal the focus of my mind, this brings sadness, struggle and at times even loss of hope, but it's a reality and one I want to sing about in an honest way.
This album would only work in honesty, not just from me but from all of us, it would be an emalgemation of expression from all 3 of us and that's why I'm presenting this to you now, I see this unfolding and would like you guys on board as we work towards constructing it into something tangible and audible. It's already happening, Drifted is about an ending relationship, very much in theme with the idea that the things of this world don't last. Even though it's not finished the idea behind Sunset seemed to fit beautifully too and not only what we've written but the lives we've all been living, the things we've been through, the conversations we've had, there's been wonderful parallells within them all.
These are just the beginnings of ideas, please feedback and please throw in your own, if what I'm feeling is the right direction for us I'm excited to see it grow.
Obviously this doesn't mean much toward change or initiation yet, we keep writing as we write and we see how things join naturally but I wanted you guys to join me in this sense of direction and I wanted the thoughts to grow within all our minds.
There was so much more going round my head but that will do for now, sorry it's long but please try and understand it, I'm so excited about this, not just the concept but also its purpose. Any questions just ask, any thoughts just post, that's why I've started it in a discussion.
Peace friends.
Josh :)
Saturday, 20 February 2010
G-d is good!
Change, so much change.
I now live with my grandma, only temporarily, it's cold. I've changed and troubles seem to have changed. There was so much troubling me and they seem to have been resolved through the simplicity of words. G-d is good and my life is His. What more words need I ever speak.
Amen
I now live with my grandma, only temporarily, it's cold. I've changed and troubles seem to have changed. There was so much troubling me and they seem to have been resolved through the simplicity of words. G-d is good and my life is His. What more words need I ever speak.
Amen
Monday, 8 February 2010
G-d is good
We expect change to happen without being implemented, what foolishness.
The busyness of life carries me away from G-d and I expect Him to pull me back, He calls my name every day and I don't turn back untill crisis hits. A message from a friend, a realisation, a stream of thoughts, it all came flooding in today and I realised I need to sit in G-d's presence, spend time with Him, first and foremost, that comes before everything, Jesus have mercy on me.
G-d's been speaking to me about self image recently, how I view myself and I'm starting to realise the ugly picture my eyes paint when they look upon my own reflection. Wrong perspective led to a huge lack of self respect and ultimately to me ripping myself a part in my mind. I want to be the best of what G-d made me to be, after all He made me, what potential His creation holds, something deeper than human eyes can see. I will be the best of me.
The beard is gone, I'm not hiding anymore. I look upon my face and I tell myself G-d created it and how then can I hide it? Why would I want too? I even tried to overcome my fear of clothes shops, I got no further than standing outside a door, but surely intention is progress.
G-d is always good, I say it a lot, it's true. G-d is good!
The busyness of life carries me away from G-d and I expect Him to pull me back, He calls my name every day and I don't turn back untill crisis hits. A message from a friend, a realisation, a stream of thoughts, it all came flooding in today and I realised I need to sit in G-d's presence, spend time with Him, first and foremost, that comes before everything, Jesus have mercy on me.
G-d's been speaking to me about self image recently, how I view myself and I'm starting to realise the ugly picture my eyes paint when they look upon my own reflection. Wrong perspective led to a huge lack of self respect and ultimately to me ripping myself a part in my mind. I want to be the best of what G-d made me to be, after all He made me, what potential His creation holds, something deeper than human eyes can see. I will be the best of me.
The beard is gone, I'm not hiding anymore. I look upon my face and I tell myself G-d created it and how then can I hide it? Why would I want too? I even tried to overcome my fear of clothes shops, I got no further than standing outside a door, but surely intention is progress.
G-d is always good, I say it a lot, it's true. G-d is good!
Friday, 5 February 2010
I'll be me
I'm listening to John Reuben at the moment, I often feel the need to share what I'm listening to at the start of blogs or journal entries, like it's an insight into my current mood and it often is. However right now John Reuben is on for convenience more than for the fact that he empaphises with my indifference.
It's been a stressful week, I've felt like I've not stopped, I've been ill and had no time or rest to recover. There's been a lot of good through out but with no time to unwind or unload my head it all sort of creates a single constant noise in my head. Constant thoughts that lack coherency. But G-d has been speaking and I've been trying to listen. I feel like when I finally stop and the mist clears I'm in for a revelation, some insight will be left.
He's been speaking to me about identity and not being ashamed of it, in the past I've bent who I am to the shape and mould that I think will please others and make me liked. Now I want to live to the will of G-d first and foremost, I want to be who he made me to be unashamedly. Converstations, songs and thoughts have all been saying this recently. I'm excited and scared.
Shalom
It's been a stressful week, I've felt like I've not stopped, I've been ill and had no time or rest to recover. There's been a lot of good through out but with no time to unwind or unload my head it all sort of creates a single constant noise in my head. Constant thoughts that lack coherency. But G-d has been speaking and I've been trying to listen. I feel like when I finally stop and the mist clears I'm in for a revelation, some insight will be left.
He's been speaking to me about identity and not being ashamed of it, in the past I've bent who I am to the shape and mould that I think will please others and make me liked. Now I want to live to the will of G-d first and foremost, I want to be who he made me to be unashamedly. Converstations, songs and thoughts have all been saying this recently. I'm excited and scared.
Shalom
Saturday, 30 January 2010
End?
I'm not sure how I got back here but I know it was my fault, a series of mistakes. It's a dark place and everything seems to cut me. Memories, words, music or just plain silence. It's all razor sharp!
Defined
I was watching house last night, (I do like house and at times wish I had the same kind of quick witted, uncaring, bluntness). In this episode during a hallucination House thought that his leg had been healed but was angry about it. Obviously there was many complicated reasons for his anger but during a conversation/argument with Wilson wilson yells something like "You don't want to be healed. Your leg gave you a reason to be miserable and you want to be miserable." Those words struck me, they're so frightingly relevant and I've been thinking about them. Recently I've been healed in so many wonderful ways, both emotinally and spiritually, that depression that previously dragged me down to where I could see nothing but has faded. Though it's still a battle it's one I don't have to fight anymore, there's always a hand to pull me out.
I've realised that my life now has to change accordingly and I think I'm resisting it. Previously I found comfort in being an outcast, I would scrawl words in notebooks that no one would care to read, I'd post ambiguous but self hating statusses on facebook and I'd sit alone in my room drinking Jack Daniels and listening to bright eyes. I was living the life of a person who was depressed and deserved to be. That's how I saw myself, that's who I was. Who am I now? I'm accepted and not condemned in Jesus, I am loved and not outcast and I'm full of the joy of christ. Now I need to start living like it. Those words in my notebook should turn to words of praise and the outcast should become the one who welcomes the ones who no one else will. Jesus help me be that person. Because sometimes when I look upon the loner who believed no one could ever care about him, I want to be that person again, I want to soak in my bitterness again and I'm scared that next time my depression comes knocking I'll shake its hand.
Jesus have mercy on me.
I've realised that my life now has to change accordingly and I think I'm resisting it. Previously I found comfort in being an outcast, I would scrawl words in notebooks that no one would care to read, I'd post ambiguous but self hating statusses on facebook and I'd sit alone in my room drinking Jack Daniels and listening to bright eyes. I was living the life of a person who was depressed and deserved to be. That's how I saw myself, that's who I was. Who am I now? I'm accepted and not condemned in Jesus, I am loved and not outcast and I'm full of the joy of christ. Now I need to start living like it. Those words in my notebook should turn to words of praise and the outcast should become the one who welcomes the ones who no one else will. Jesus help me be that person. Because sometimes when I look upon the loner who believed no one could ever care about him, I want to be that person again, I want to soak in my bitterness again and I'm scared that next time my depression comes knocking I'll shake its hand.
Jesus have mercy on me.
Saturday, 23 January 2010
I Placed My Heart In a Sinking Ship
The versaitility of an open mind,
the instability of being left behind,
Those late night talks in search of love,
those daily reminders that words aren't enough.
A broken wrist, an outstretched palm,
a constant storm, the prevailing calm.
The blood on my hands, the still in your eyes.
My hands squezzed tight as a part of me dies.
the instability of being left behind,
Those late night talks in search of love,
those daily reminders that words aren't enough.
A broken wrist, an outstretched palm,
a constant storm, the prevailing calm.
The blood on my hands, the still in your eyes.
My hands squezzed tight as a part of me dies.
I've made a decision that everytime I feel this pain and sadness that always seems to crawl up on me I'm going to pray for others. I get consumed by my troubles because I look at me, I look at them. I want G-d to lift me up above them, I want to fix my eyes on Him and put all things in His hands. I've slowed down and I've started to enjoy life as it passes by, it's beautiful, but it will never be as beautiful as G-d, I'd give it all up tomorrow for Him.
He's been challenging me today, to do something I really don't want to do, it scares me but I'm excited about what He may do through it, very excited.
Teach me to be like You Jesus, fill my heart with compassion.
I'm off to my deer park wall, I'll miss that when I move.
Peace
He's been challenging me today, to do something I really don't want to do, it scares me but I'm excited about what He may do through it, very excited.
Teach me to be like You Jesus, fill my heart with compassion.
I'm off to my deer park wall, I'll miss that when I move.
Peace
Friday, 22 January 2010
Leader? Me?
Life's been such a rush recently, I've been so busy and literally ran most places I've gone. Thoughts don't have time to develop and subsequently my mind's been a bit of a mess. I miss walking, I miss walking for the sake of walking, I miss sitting and listening or talking, I miss being able to just sit and be where I am. G-d I ask it so much but please teach me contentment. I hate that it's been so long since I've written, there's been incoherent notes scribbled in notebooks but not much more.
I need to listen, remember that this life doesn't matter. I need more time and that may have to come through some tough choices, but G-d is always good and so is life at the moment.
I've been doing better recently, I need to get better at giving thoughts up to G-d and often in the busyness I feel like I'm trying to chase them away, in vain of course, but things have been better.
Some years back now I had a good friend who told me that I always had a shine in my face, something tiredness couldn't take away, or stress or anything, a brightness in my eyes. That went, I was even told it went but I didn't have to be, I knew.
I just got so consumed by things that never mattered and placed hopes in things that would only lead to dissapointment, I started to drown. But oh the lessons I learned, the things He taught me through that journey and most of all, what most beautifully proclaims His grace, how He pulled me out. I turned my back on Him, I dived in to a sea of hopelessness when He offered me everything and He still dived in after me. What mystery is this? What love!
At band practice on tuesday Mike said I seemed better, He said there was a brightness about me, that I smiled bigger, oh thank you G-d, let that joy stay and let it bless every person I encounter, let my life tell the tale of Your grace and let me live in this chance You've given me.
Am I leader? I mess up so much, make so many mistakes. I'm reading a book on leadership at the moment, it says that leading is influence. Tonight I spent a long time reading friends blogs, I love how so many of my friends have started writing them and I realised, I was the first. Well I wasn't I copied someone else, then someone copied me and someone copied them and it just spread and now they're all writing beautiful words about what G-d's doing in their life, the lessons He's teaching them. The other thing this book said is that we all lead and we all are lead. G-d let me lead people closer to You and let me be lead by those who are walking towards You.
I'm excited, there's more happening here then my words can express. G-d has a wonderful plan for my life and those around me, it's a joy to be part of.
I'm recording with the band on monday, I can't wait, I've longed to be back in a studio for so long and no worries or thoughts are going to spoil it, I'm going to enjoy every minute and I'm going to give every minute to G-d. I want to live my life like that.
Shalom
I need to listen, remember that this life doesn't matter. I need more time and that may have to come through some tough choices, but G-d is always good and so is life at the moment.
I've been doing better recently, I need to get better at giving thoughts up to G-d and often in the busyness I feel like I'm trying to chase them away, in vain of course, but things have been better.
Some years back now I had a good friend who told me that I always had a shine in my face, something tiredness couldn't take away, or stress or anything, a brightness in my eyes. That went, I was even told it went but I didn't have to be, I knew.
I just got so consumed by things that never mattered and placed hopes in things that would only lead to dissapointment, I started to drown. But oh the lessons I learned, the things He taught me through that journey and most of all, what most beautifully proclaims His grace, how He pulled me out. I turned my back on Him, I dived in to a sea of hopelessness when He offered me everything and He still dived in after me. What mystery is this? What love!
At band practice on tuesday Mike said I seemed better, He said there was a brightness about me, that I smiled bigger, oh thank you G-d, let that joy stay and let it bless every person I encounter, let my life tell the tale of Your grace and let me live in this chance You've given me.
Am I leader? I mess up so much, make so many mistakes. I'm reading a book on leadership at the moment, it says that leading is influence. Tonight I spent a long time reading friends blogs, I love how so many of my friends have started writing them and I realised, I was the first. Well I wasn't I copied someone else, then someone copied me and someone copied them and it just spread and now they're all writing beautiful words about what G-d's doing in their life, the lessons He's teaching them. The other thing this book said is that we all lead and we all are lead. G-d let me lead people closer to You and let me be lead by those who are walking towards You.
I'm excited, there's more happening here then my words can express. G-d has a wonderful plan for my life and those around me, it's a joy to be part of.
I'm recording with the band on monday, I can't wait, I've longed to be back in a studio for so long and no worries or thoughts are going to spoil it, I'm going to enjoy every minute and I'm going to give every minute to G-d. I want to live my life like that.
Shalom
Coming up for Air
I just wrote loads and accidentally closed the page and lost it all. I guess I needed that initial out pour and then to start again. I'm going for a walk and I'm coming back to write with a clearer mind.
Peace
Peace
Friday, 15 January 2010
I want to fly
I ran through the open field with my arms outstretched, no amount of speed could help me leave the ground. I stood still and closed my eyes, I took off.
I don't want see another inch of this world if you're not in it.
I've been writing so much down in notebooks, I'll transfer some of it up here when I have free time and a clear mind.
I don't want see another inch of this world if you're not in it.
I've been writing so much down in notebooks, I'll transfer some of it up here when I have free time and a clear mind.
Monday, 11 January 2010
Monday, 4 January 2010
Never enough
My words are useless,
my thoughts are unhelpful
and my actions are in vain.
There is little else for me to do but pray.
my thoughts are unhelpful
and my actions are in vain.
There is little else for me to do but pray.
Sunday, 3 January 2010
More than sound
"I want to catch in a song notes I won't hear yet but I will when I'm gone."
What is it about music? It can change me, it can affect me, it can speak to me, it can make me cry or smile, want to live or want to die, love or hate, sit in silence or scream, stand still or throw my body against a wall. What is this that has such power? More than sound?
When everything seems to go wrong, when the image I try to keep is slipping away or the life I try to keep control of spirals into insanity the thought of music comforts me. I know that I can close it all away, throw myself into a song and dissapear for a while. I know that I can come back changed, strengthened, reassured. But it's more than music and sound is just a tool. Surely it's the spirit of G-d flowing through these songs and that's where the power lies, it's His voice speaking, it's His beauty that makes the song so beautiful. And can't we have the same spirit in each of us? If He can make something so simple (and yet so complex) as sound beautiful, can't He make you and I beautiful to?
Let go and fall into Him.
What is it about music? It can change me, it can affect me, it can speak to me, it can make me cry or smile, want to live or want to die, love or hate, sit in silence or scream, stand still or throw my body against a wall. What is this that has such power? More than sound?
When everything seems to go wrong, when the image I try to keep is slipping away or the life I try to keep control of spirals into insanity the thought of music comforts me. I know that I can close it all away, throw myself into a song and dissapear for a while. I know that I can come back changed, strengthened, reassured. But it's more than music and sound is just a tool. Surely it's the spirit of G-d flowing through these songs and that's where the power lies, it's His voice speaking, it's His beauty that makes the song so beautiful. And can't we have the same spirit in each of us? If He can make something so simple (and yet so complex) as sound beautiful, can't He make you and I beautiful to?
Let go and fall into Him.
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