Return of the Cynic

It has been a considerable time since i have written in here, as usual my negligence has reigned with supremacy and contributions to this blog amongst other things have collected dust.
i'm not sure if i have nothing to write about or too much but it's hard to pin point a subject, however i wanna write something so forgive me if this isn't the most linear post you've ever read.

Let's start with the week just gone, it's fresh in my mind after all, we'll see where we go from there.

i've been called a Cynic many times, primarily due to my attitude or apparent attitude toward relationships. By relationships i mean romance not all relationships, i love people and make no secret of it. Romance however, i've always struggled to find how it fits with love. it seems to me that it involves the projection of your desires onto someone else and the hope that they'll fulfill them. Words from the bible, words from Jesus and words from so many incredible songs seem to tell me love is so much different to that, that it's sacrifice, giving up your own hopes and desires for the sake of others. Despite this belief when the idea of a girl becoming more than a friend presented itself this week i grasped it with both hands. Maybe i grasped it too hard or just misread it from the beginning but at the end of it i was left grasping nothing but the familiar cynicism i ignored in hope of what seemed like apparent joy. What is it about such attraction that made me forget all the strong words i had spoken before? i'm not trying to say it's wrong, i really don't know what's right and as much as it doesn't make sense to me it seems that's the way G-d made things to be. Is it possible to have a selfless romantic relationship? Probably, maybe i just don't know how yet. What struck me though was the fact that for a brief while wether it was right or wrong didn't really matter, i wanted it, i went for it. Am i really that week? What a blessing that in our weakness G-d is strong, what a reassurance that we are in His hands.

When i started writing this i thought it was going to hit many tangents, apparently not. There's a lot more to say but there's a lot more blog posts to come, that'll do for now.
Hope you're well, whoever you are.
Shalom