Defined

I was watching house last night, (I do like house and at times wish I had the same kind of quick witted, uncaring, bluntness). In this episode during a hallucination House thought that his leg had been healed but was angry about it. Obviously there was many complicated reasons for his anger but during a conversation/argument with Wilson wilson yells something like "You don't want to be healed. Your leg gave you a reason to be miserable and you want to be miserable." Those words struck me, they're so frightingly relevant and I've been thinking about them. Recently I've been healed in so many wonderful ways, both emotinally and spiritually, that depression that previously dragged me down to where I could see nothing but has faded. Though it's still a battle it's one I don't have to fight anymore, there's always a hand to pull me out.
I've realised that my life now has to change accordingly and I think I'm resisting it. Previously I found comfort in being an outcast, I would scrawl words in notebooks that no one would care to read, I'd post ambiguous but self hating statusses on facebook and I'd sit alone in my room drinking Jack Daniels and listening to bright eyes. I was living the life of a person who was depressed and deserved to be. That's how I saw myself, that's who I was. Who am I now? I'm accepted and not condemned in Jesus, I am loved and not outcast and I'm full of the joy of christ. Now I need to start living like it. Those words in my notebook should turn to words of praise and the outcast should become the one who welcomes the ones who no one else will. Jesus help me be that person. Because sometimes when I look upon the loner who believed no one could ever care about him, I want to be that person again, I want to soak in my bitterness again and I'm scared that next time my depression comes knocking I'll shake its hand.
Jesus have mercy on me.