"Forget and not slow down"

Realisations and lessons at times come in painful packages. Let me tell you what I hope I've learned and how.

This week a friend placed a restriction upon our friendship, it was someone I care about deeply so it hurt when she did this. My mind set upon it's usual path of unrelenting analysis, a road it won't stop walking until it settles upon an answer that brings peace.

Firstly why? This process deals with the past and is healthy not to be a long one but that's just something I've not mastered yet.
The simplest answer is just to say it was my fault but this begs a deeper study as to why I did or said certain things. As is often the case when things get less than casual I lay out my verbal outburst upon the ears of my friend Laura. If she could just lend a patient ear that would be enough and she does this so well and yet more when she offers words of such wisdom and rewarding perspective. I show nowhere near enough gratitude for this. Her words carried the bluntness they needed when she told me I'm rubbish at handling my emotions. (Why do they call it blunt when it's often the bluntest words that carry the sharpness to get through?) This incredibly was delivered in the context of a compliment.

I guess we hate change(I use plural because I know I'm not alone in this) so we convince ourselves and everyone else there's not a problem. It is good and right to see the good that is in us, it is good to see how far we've come but there will always be problems, we will never be okay, we will never be perfect and that's why we should never stop changing. Laura suggested I write a list of all the good things about myself on a sheet of paper and and all the bad in a column next to it, then rip it in half and throw away the negative. What's left is how G-d sees us, that's how I want to see myself.
But indeed I'm not dismissing by throwing away the negative, simply placing in G-d's hands. He sees the good and delights in it, but He also sees the potential for what we can become.
Oh G-d give me eyes to see. In You I am okay, because of you and only because of You Lord, I am perfect.

So where did I go wrong? I think friendship is a steady and in the case of true friendship a natural process. When you first begin the journey of friendship there's distance, this distance is perhaps in the form of how comfortable you are around each other, how much you know about each other and I think most importantly how open you are with each other. This gap closes as the journey progresses but the progression has to be relative. If you imagine this gap closing as two people walk towards each other I guess what happened in the friendship I speak of is that I kept walking as she stood still or took smaller steps, we did not meet on middle ground. She I presume became intimidated by my intrusion and I became frustrated with her lack of movement, in the end the only option was to step back.
The reason for this was my feelings, I liked her, desired a closeness and pushed for this at an unnatural level.I deeply regret this.
It's the cliche to say you don't know what you've got till it's gone but they seem the most relevant words right now. She truly is wonderful, to have her friendship is an incredible blessing, I don't care about any feelings now, I just want a friendship with restored normality, but I also guess that trust is only earned. Why is perspective always retro?
It hurt to have her put this distance in place and the feelings only made it worse but I see it's necessity. The explanation for this comes in the second step of the contemplation process and this is a much more forward looking one that deals with how to go on from this place I've put myself in. This I believe requires much prayer and guidance from The Lord, His word is to be a light to our feet. This is another lesson I need to learn as I have a terrible habit of acting in response to emotions without much thought never mind prayer. I think I became somewhat consumed by these emotions to the extent that they controlled me, taking a step back allows me to focus on G-d and adopt His perspective.
I am reminded of one of Rumi's poems at this point. I do often find there to be hidden gems of wisdom in Rumi's words, him being sufi I don't agree with everything he says or seems to believe but he has what I believe to be such a wonderful understanding of letting of attachments and spiritual growth. In this particular poem he talks about a particular type of flute and the process of it being made, though unfortunately I can't remember what name the flute or the poem goes by.
He describes the painful process of hollowing out whatever it's made from, brutally shaping it into it's desired form. Though the process is painful the end product is a sweet and beautiful sound. This painful process is one I'm going through right now but I'm excited about how I can grow through it and who I can become. It also excites me how whenever Rumi does have anything wise to say it lines up with scripture. Refining fire, purifying gold.
I think though I personally am going through this process, the friendship possibly is too, this obviously depends on how she sees things but my hope is that we can have a good friendship again and though it's necessary for me to step back now I hope it's not the final step. I know I need time to refocus but I hope once I've proved to both her and myself that neither feelings nor emotions will dominate, that the process of friendship can begin again, this time upon a healthy and natural course and that a beautiful friendship can blossom. It's the opportunity for a clean slate and a new start if such forgiveness can be found and if not then G-d is still good so I will rejoice all the same.
I've found a peace I know only G-d can give. Be my strength through this Father. Maybe now my mind can rest.
Shalom.

I couldn't find the Rumi poem that I made reference to but during my search for it I found this and thought it was wonderful.


"We are as the flute, and the music in us is from thee;
we are as the mountain and the echo in us is from thee.
We are as pieces of chess engaged in victory and defeat:
our victory and defeat is from thee, O thou whose qualities are comely!
Who are we, O Thou soul of our souls,
that we should remain in being beside thee?
We and our existences are really non-existence;
thou art the absolute Being which manifests the perishable.
We all are lions, but lions on a banner:
because of the wind they are rushing onward from moment to moment.
Their onward rush is visible, and the wind is unseen:
may that which is unseen not fail from us!
Our wind whereby we are moved and our being are of thy gift;
our whole existence is from thy bringing into being."
Rumi