Grace

A friend recently showed me a video a friend made for her to wish her a happy birthday. The video was funny and alot of effort had obviously gone into it. I feel that most people's selfish reaction here would of been to think "I don't have anyone who would do that for me" or to qoute the film Brick - "Maybe I see what you're trying to do for her and I don't know anybody who would do that for me". I had a reaction of another kind, "I would never be able to do that for anyone else." This is not selflessness but just another sort of selfishness, it seems that I thrive on appreaciation, grattitude and the praise of others, I want to be liked and appreciated and am constantly dissapointed by my unworthyness to earn this.
What I find both wonderful and frustrating about God's love is the freedom with which it is given! It can't be earned, and yet i constantly try, but even if I did try my very upmost I would still never be able to earn it. So these attempts always fail and leave me frustrated and in a place where I have no choice but to turn to grace and am amazed by it everytime.
When I spent some time in a Hari Krishna temple I noticed most of the monks had orange paint like stuff smeared down the bridge of their nose. I asked Caitanya why this way and he told me that it represents the holy ground which is put on their faces to symbolise the commitment of their body's as holy temples to God. Yet even in this commitment, in this strict religious lifestyle, God's love cannot be earned, what hope do I have of earning it?
My body is constantly used for selfishness, my mouth speaks profanities, my hands deal in sin and my eyes fix on things they should turn away from, yet God chooses to use this body to share His love with others, to do His will and He see's not this sin, but only the love He has for me, such grace I can not comprehend.
The other day as a friend prayed for me God spoke through her and told me that He does not count my sins against me but it is I who counts them against myself, while I see myself falling short, He forgives me and loves me. As me and my friends sat there on my bedroom floor we were just moved with love for God, a love that only He made possible and we just started to speak out prayers of praise in reaction.
Let my life be lived in such a reaction of praise to You God.
Shalom

"No lies, just love"

So Christ died for me and he calls me to die for Him, not in the physical, atleast he hasn't asked that yet, but day to day to die to my will, to my desires and follow after His. Giving up my life to serve Him, but when i do that i realise that i never had life in the first place, and when i give my life to Him, i find true life. i have true life, living and walking in it, that alone should excite me for eternity. So why does that death that comes with putting my life back in my own hands and following after my desires seem so appealing? i carry my desires with me like something i'll never need weighing down on me.
I have a tendency to stuff my bag to the point of near bursting when i go anywhere, with things i'll never need, but carry round incase i do, but will it really matter that infact I'm in the mood for reading something funny on the bus but only have "1984" and a Music Tech magazine on me?
"And she'd always weighed me down, but afraid I might need her, I dragged her around." - mewithoutYou
How those words scare me right now with their relevance. I carry round the weight of desires for things that G-d said no to along time ago, but i still constantly look, wait and hope for something to change there. When G-d says something will happen, when it's in His will, even when things look like they'll never happen that way, you can keep believing, because He's G-d, He can do what He wants and His word is final. When G-d says no, you're trusting in chance, yourself or someone else for these things to happen and that's hopeless already but as things prove to go further and further from that the hopelessness grows. It's like I'm walking happily along in this life that G-d has called me to live and then I catch a glimpse of old desires I'd given up to Him when I said "i will follow you" and in this twisted perspective that life looks better, so i run after it, or atleast long for it, and always end up hurt and dissapointed. Crawling back to Him, in shame and emberrassment, begging for forgiveness and asking for another chance to walk upon His path again. He never looks at me with shame though, He should be so ashamed of me, but He never is, just love........just love.
"So I'd like to make some changes, before you arrive, so when your new eyes meet mine they won't see no lies, Just love, just love." - Bright Eyes.
i'm not sure of the relevance of those lyrics, but they came to mind and i like them alot, so they're in.
I guess what i'm trying to say is when G-d says let go then let go. G-d called me once to throw away all my CD's which were having a negative effect on me, it was hard and I resisted for a while but in the end I did and subsequently He filled my collection with lots of music so much better than i had before and this time having a positive effect on me, and more than that He gave me a calling and said as this music's helped you, make music to help others. That's a path i'm walking along with excitement and anticipation, but what if i'd chosen my path? What if i'd of kept the angry music, the depressing music and all the other negative songs that i let infaltrate my mind, what kind of mess would i be now? i imagine a much bigger one than i currently am.
That reassures me to think of right now, it seems when G-d calls you to do something He doesn't let you see everything straight away, you just have to trust Him that it's all going to be ok. G-d called me to make music for Him and share Him with others and i said ok, i mean after all i love music, i love people and i love Him, it seemed like the obvious choice. But i also said "G-d, there's not much money in music, there's not much chance of ever making it past the pubs and i don't want to be left over 30 and unemployed or working in some crappy factory job or something." So i went to college and G-d let me and in someways i learned so much there. The bible says that "G-d uses all things for the good of those who love Him" (or something similer to that) and he used me going to college. But when i went back this year and then the band started, i was trying to work to buy equipment for the band, learn songs for the band, do guitar lessons and practice for the band, prepare lyrics and song structures, make band practices, do a leadership course so that i could learn to lead the band more effectively, spend that integral daily time in prayer and in His word and do college, it was all a bit too much and the stress near destroyed me at times. It wasn't just the lack of time, but it was the way i felt all the time, like i was choked, like nothing could really move or flow in my mind, because it was full of all things i needed to do, that doesn't make creativity very easy or natural and forced creativity isn't very creative atall. It was clear this wasn't G-d's plan for me and as i thought and prayed about it the safety net had to go, my life is in His hands and if His calling fails i no longer have my own plan to fall back on, but really my own plan never had to be there, His plans never fail! Even though quitting college has been a scary experience so far, it's all coming together so perfectly and as i get closer to Him, learn to trust Him more and more, and see Him working more as i have again and again in the past, i know this place will become more and more secure.
Jeremiah Chapter 29 Verse 11 - "For I know the thoughts that I think towards you says The Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."
Shalom.

I'm gone

All the time you were here you were so far away, so it came as no suprise to hear you say,
"I'll be leaving soon for a louder city, where they can't hear me cry and the noise drowns out my pity."
As I tried to think of words to mark your leaving, some kind of goodbye banner that I was weaving.....
I noticed my mouth was moving,
I noticed my words, I felt your stare, as what I spoke fouled the cold night air.
"All the time you were here your bags were packed, so if you're leaving now, don't come back."
I watched you as you struggled through your tears, to put the car into gear, and as our eyes met through the rear view mirror.... I turned away.

Well you said you'd write and I said don't you dare, it's so easy to pretend you don't care...when you do.
So I still watch my porch waiting for that letter, hoping for words telling how your life got better.
Cause I still think of mine and if I could take them back, well maybe you'd think about coming back.
I know you're not coming back.
And maybe soon I'll leave for a quiter city, where they can hear me cry, and the car's don't drown out my pity.
So they'll know to never be like me.
Goodbye my friends I'm gone.

I could watch these people all night, sometimes I do. My dreams, their reality, for me they never come true.
It's cold in this city, it's about time I left, time brings no conclusions, I just count away every breath.
Do I really have so little? Do i really need that much? Is everything I need something I can't touch?
The tangible never seems enough but I can't seem to find this thing they call love,
and who are they to tell me what I need? To try and dictate what I believe?
I think I'd rather believe there's no right path except the one I'm on.
I'll just keep moving, goodbye my friends I'm gone.

What to do....?

I'm currently passing time in the college library and thought I'd do so writing my blog. It doesn't feel right to write something so personal in such a public place, even something that is open to public viewing. Nobody's reading over my shoulder I'm sure but I'm concious they are. Why am I so afraid of being judged or ridiculed by some unknown anyway, is my identidy really that insecure, i fear yes.
So the band has continued to go well, really well infact, better than I could have imagined and I've done alot of imagining. I here these words in my head constantly. "Greater things are yet to come", that excites me.
I spoke in church yesterday about the band, a little about what we're doing and why, mainly sharing the vision and giving a call out for support in prayer and for a possible drummer. At the end 2 people came up to speak to me, neither a drummer but both with exciting things to say. One was a woman who said that the whole time i was speaking she had some words from the bible going through her head, i don't remember what she said exactly and i haven't searched for it so i'm paraphrasing but it was something like "you make the Lord's face radiate", that was a truly encouraging word to hear. The second was a guy called Ben, who I'd met before briefly I believe. He said that he said, that G-d had given him the gift of music and he wanted to give it back to Him, he was a guitarist so didn't solve our drummer problem but He was clearly onboard with the vision so we've invited him along to the next practice.
Having an extra guitarist bring so many positives, we have more to play around with and can add alot of extra elements, but does 3 guitarists really work? Can we make it work? If anyone's gonna step back it's going to be me, he's a better guitarist than me, he sings aswell and probably does that better than me too. Am I going to be pushed out? Do I feel threatened. Indeed the place I am in the band is because G-d put me there and has nothing to do with ability. It still plays on my mind though. If this band is about G-d and not me I have to put my pride aside, my wills and my desires don't count. Does that mean I should step back and fill the gap the absent drummer leaves? After all what's the point in 3 guitarists and no drummer when one of those guitarists plays drums? But then it's imperative in what we're doing to be passionate about what you're doing, passionate about G-d, passionate about music and passionate about the music you're playing for Him. I don't think I could feel that passion when stuck behind a drum kit, it's just not where i wanna be, does that mean that i'm doing this for my sake, for my pride and not for G-d?
All these questions are going through my head and i don't know what to do. Good job it's not up to me to work it all out. i guess i should let go and let it go where it goes. G-d has it under control after all.
Peace be with you.

Jesus have mercy on me

I don't think I ever really deal with problems, or let go of attatchments, or heal my wounds, or let out my frustration. People keep telling me how calm I am, I don't feel calm. I had a good open chat with Steve, the st nics vicar, the other day. He was suprised by my confessed struggles and commented that I've always come across as strong and assured. I was glad to hear him say that, I want to appear strong, I want to appear fine, but at the same time I want people to see how I really feel, I want someone to help, but I don't want to admit any weakness either. It's this constant fear and presumption of peoples perception of me that both cuts me down in the first place and then leaves me there, unable to ask for help.
I've tried to fight on my own for years and never really got over it, I've developed coping tactics sure, but even they're starting to scare me, this slowly dissapearing bottle of jd is the one that scares me the most.
I can write it in here, because no one reads it right? I know they do, but they can't. That would mean someone actually took interest in me and cared enough to spend time reading the words I wrote, and I can't believe that. I know people care, but I don't beleive they do, how does that even work? Just like how can I be so strong and so weak at the same time?
And where does G-d fit in all of this? He's there right? Loving and caring as always? Loving and caring everyone but me. G-d's love for me is worth everything, but it's just another place where what I believe and what I know to be true contradicts and I'm not really sure how, or how to change it.
I wish I could cry, or breakdown, or lose my temper, anything to let all this out and prove to myself I can still feel.
I've just realised, it doesn't matter how I feel, it matters what I do, G-d says to love others and that He loves us and that He will be with us and help us as we do. So that's what I do. Give everything I can to love G-d and love these people He loves so much. Noting else matters, least of all how I feel! I'm gonna take all this pain, all this frustration, all this numbness and I'm gonna pour myself out at His feet, I'm not sure how but I'm gonna do it, and I'm gonna ask Him to give me His heart, teach me to feel how He feels, Love how He loves, isn't that the only thing worth feeling after all? So I'm numb to the world, what better place is there to be?
Jesus have mercy on me...

Vision

i've been accused of sounding sad, that made me sad. i don't intend to come across negative and i don't usually percieve things in a negative light either, i guess it's just when i do that i decide to write. So today i am making an effort to write about something positive, something that's been making me very happy recently.

I've mentioned briefly in previous blogs about my new band, so far unnamed, though we have a few idea's, I just wanted to give a little tesitmony that explains a bit about why it means so much to me.

Growing up I was always a huge football fan, so it was a little bit of a strange turn when music started taking over as my first priority, but as strange a transition as it was it was a quick one and soon instead of collecting football shirts it was my CD collection that was fast growing. All sorts of different music found it's way in and a lot of it was very unhealthy and it was changing me. The swearing would enter my vocab, the anger would influence me to share desires for revenge and the sexual references would turn my mind to less than pure matters. My relationship with G-d became an inconvenience forcing me to do what I didn't want to do and let go of what I wanted to hold on too. Subsequently our times together became rare and my life became a tragic rebellion. Despite it all G-d kept calling me, calling me to do what I least wanted to do, let go of this music that was destroying me and turn to Him. Eventually after much destruction and realisation I reluctantly let go. Many CD's were taken from the rack and thrown in the bin. What was left was a DC Talk CD, a Delirious CD and a few others that I didn't really care much to listen too. This was the first point at which I knew that me and music was a pair G-d had chosen to match together. Probably less than a week later I was speaking to my friend Will. He started telling me about people playing really heavy music and doing it for G-d, this seemed a very strange idea to me and I was really interested to hear, having no idea of the huge change it was going to bring into my life. From the moment I heard I was hooked and bands of all sorts of different great music being played for G-d started to build up my new CD collection. Just like the music I was listening to before it was influencing the way I lived, thought and felt, but this time for the good. What followed was a very hard year, a relationship I was in fell apart, my parents split up, I started to fall into strong feelings of sadness and lost a lot of self confidence. It was a real testing time and this music took me through the whole way, helping me discover who I was, helping me grow and continually pointing me towards G-d. One band in particular that became particuarly meaningful to me was mewithoutYou and when I found out they were coming to the UK i had to see them, I had to meet Aaron (Vocals). So I did, I went to the show, I found Aaron and stood outside the venue talking to him for like 2 long and beautiful hours. He said so much but there was some words in particular that stuck with me. I told him how much his words had meant to me and helped me and he said to know that his lyrics, that his experiences had helped one person made all the pain he'd felt worth it and every word he wrote worth it, what a beautiful thing to say, I was almos in tears, though I fought to keep it together. It was in that moment that I knew what I was called to do, who I was called to be. I wanted to be standing there in the future and be able to say those words Aaron said to me to someone else. From this moment music was my calling. I started learning, playing, listening and writing. Badly, but slowly improving, hopefully. I started praying for people to share the vision, and I had bands, at times "christian" bands but the vision in some way was always compromised. The last year I've spent without a band, just trying to write, just trying to practice and desprately praying for someone to write, practice and play with. A prayer G-d waited along time to answer, but know through St.Nics I have met and indeed found Mike and Lucas, two great guys, great friends and great musicians. Two people who share the vision, who share a love for music and a love for G-d. We are still waiting on a drummer but we've started writing, practicing and praying together and it's been an amazing experience so far. I can't wait to see what G-d does next and I just pray our music can glorify Him and help others get closer to Him.
Peace be with you.
Joshua