End?

I'm not sure how I got back here but I know it was my fault, a series of mistakes. It's a dark place and everything seems to cut me. Memories, words, music or just plain silence. It's all razor sharp!

Defined

I was watching house last night, (I do like house and at times wish I had the same kind of quick witted, uncaring, bluntness). In this episode during a hallucination House thought that his leg had been healed but was angry about it. Obviously there was many complicated reasons for his anger but during a conversation/argument with Wilson wilson yells something like "You don't want to be healed. Your leg gave you a reason to be miserable and you want to be miserable." Those words struck me, they're so frightingly relevant and I've been thinking about them. Recently I've been healed in so many wonderful ways, both emotinally and spiritually, that depression that previously dragged me down to where I could see nothing but has faded. Though it's still a battle it's one I don't have to fight anymore, there's always a hand to pull me out.
I've realised that my life now has to change accordingly and I think I'm resisting it. Previously I found comfort in being an outcast, I would scrawl words in notebooks that no one would care to read, I'd post ambiguous but self hating statusses on facebook and I'd sit alone in my room drinking Jack Daniels and listening to bright eyes. I was living the life of a person who was depressed and deserved to be. That's how I saw myself, that's who I was. Who am I now? I'm accepted and not condemned in Jesus, I am loved and not outcast and I'm full of the joy of christ. Now I need to start living like it. Those words in my notebook should turn to words of praise and the outcast should become the one who welcomes the ones who no one else will. Jesus help me be that person. Because sometimes when I look upon the loner who believed no one could ever care about him, I want to be that person again, I want to soak in my bitterness again and I'm scared that next time my depression comes knocking I'll shake its hand.
Jesus have mercy on me.

I Placed My Heart In a Sinking Ship

The versaitility of an open mind,
the instability of being left behind,
Those late night talks in search of love,
those daily reminders that words aren't enough.
A broken wrist, an outstretched palm,
a constant storm, the prevailing calm.
The blood on my hands, the still in your eyes.
My hands squezzed tight as a part of me dies.

I've made a decision that everytime I feel this pain and sadness that always seems to crawl up on me I'm going to pray for others. I get consumed by my troubles because I look at me, I look at them. I want G-d to lift me up above them, I want to fix my eyes on Him and put all things in His hands. I've slowed down and I've started to enjoy life as it passes by, it's beautiful, but it will never be as beautiful as G-d, I'd give it all up tomorrow for Him.
He's been challenging me today, to do something I really don't want to do, it scares me but I'm excited about what He may do through it, very excited.

Teach me to be like You Jesus, fill my heart with compassion.

I'm off to my deer park wall, I'll miss that when I move.
Peace

Leader? Me?

Life's been such a rush recently, I've been so busy and literally ran most places I've gone. Thoughts don't have time to develop and subsequently my mind's been a bit of a mess. I miss walking, I miss walking for the sake of walking, I miss sitting and listening or talking, I miss being able to just sit and be where I am. G-d I ask it so much but please teach me contentment. I hate that it's been so long since I've written, there's been incoherent notes scribbled in notebooks but not much more.
I need to listen, remember that this life doesn't matter. I need more time and that may have to come through some tough choices, but G-d is always good and so is life at the moment.
I've been doing better recently, I need to get better at giving thoughts up to G-d and often in the busyness I feel like I'm trying to chase them away, in vain of course, but things have been better.

Some years back now I had a good friend who told me that I always had a shine in my face, something tiredness couldn't take away, or stress or anything, a brightness in my eyes. That went, I was even told it went but I didn't have to be, I knew.
I just got so consumed by things that never mattered and placed hopes in things that would only lead to dissapointment, I started to drown. But oh the lessons I learned, the things He taught me through that journey and most of all, what most beautifully proclaims His grace, how He pulled me out. I turned my back on Him, I dived in to a sea of hopelessness when He offered me everything and He still dived in after me. What mystery is this? What love!
At band practice on tuesday Mike said I seemed better, He said there was a brightness about me, that I smiled bigger, oh thank you G-d, let that joy stay and let it bless every person I encounter, let my life tell the tale of Your grace and let me live in this chance You've given me.

Am I leader? I mess up so much, make so many mistakes. I'm reading a book on leadership at the moment, it says that leading is influence. Tonight I spent a long time reading friends blogs, I love how so many of my friends have started writing them and I realised, I was the first. Well I wasn't I copied someone else, then someone copied me and someone copied them and it just spread and now they're all writing beautiful words about what G-d's doing in their life, the lessons He's teaching them. The other thing this book said is that we all lead and we all are lead. G-d let me lead people closer to You and let me be lead by those who are walking towards You.
I'm excited, there's more happening here then my words can express. G-d has a wonderful plan for my life and those around me, it's a joy to be part of.

I'm recording with the band on monday, I can't wait, I've longed to be back in a studio for so long and no worries or thoughts are going to spoil it, I'm going to enjoy every minute and I'm going to give every minute to G-d. I want to live my life like that.
Shalom

Coming up for Air

I just wrote loads and accidentally closed the page and lost it all. I guess I needed that initial out pour and then to start again. I'm going for a walk and I'm coming back to write with a clearer mind.
Peace

I want to fly

I ran through the open field with my arms outstretched, no amount of speed could help me leave the ground. I stood still and closed my eyes, I took off.
I don't want see another inch of this world if you're not in it.

I've been writing so much down in notebooks, I'll transfer some of it up here when I have free time and a clear mind.

It's true...

I'm blessed no matter what.

Never enough

My words are useless,
my thoughts are unhelpful
and my actions are in vain.
There is little else for me to do but pray.

More than sound

"I want to catch in a song notes I won't hear yet but I will when I'm gone."

What is it about music? It can change me, it can affect me, it can speak to me, it can make me cry or smile, want to live or want to die, love or hate, sit in silence or scream, stand still or throw my body against a wall. What is this that has such power? More than sound?

When everything seems to go wrong, when the image I try to keep is slipping away or the life I try to keep control of spirals into insanity the thought of music comforts me. I know that I can close it all away, throw myself into a song and dissapear for a while. I know that I can come back changed, strengthened, reassured. But it's more than music and sound is just a tool. Surely it's the spirit of G-d flowing through these songs and that's where the power lies, it's His voice speaking, it's His beauty that makes the song so beautiful. And can't we have the same spirit in each of us? If He can make something so simple (and yet so complex) as sound beautiful, can't He make you and I beautiful to?

Let go and fall into Him.