Go

When I write my journal I title each entry with a whole lot of information. Information like where I am, what time and date it is and what I'm listening to. This information seems important to me, maybe so I can read back and draw on the elements that contributed to that moment, so that I can evoke my mind to go back there. Time, as they say is fleeting and it seems sad to think that moments pass and can not be revisited. It seems sad to think that all we have is memories and hopes.
This world really means nothing and the thought of living it for me, for moments, for my own personal gratification, when I think about it seems so useless, yet it's a trap I get caught in so often.
There is a better way, a greater calling and I doubt I'm up to it, but here I am, send me.

I can't change for them, I can't change for you and i can not change for me.
G-d you know I've tried to do all 3... I'm just me.
and you say you can stil use me? But no, no no no!
I give in.

You see the pain, you see it in their eyes,
and if sometimes you feel it too, that's so you can empaphise.
So go, go go go!

Dialogue

The mask is off and the face beneath is an ugly sight to behold, but atleast it's real, atleast it's me. Now i've stopped pretending, i might not be who i want to be, i might not like who i am right now, but i am honest about it and maybe now G-d can starting making this mess into something more like Him.

This is a conversation we had the other day, a sort of answer and reply.

i've just had a horriffic realisation, i am almost entirely selfish. i am self centered, self absorbed and self consumed, i think about me, talk about me, write about me, i do what i do for me and though i hate to admit it, i live for me. Each apparent selfless act is a disguise for the selfish motives with which it's done. Every sacrifice is done in a rediculous attempt to earn Your love and from a desire for self worth. Every kind word i say is said to make me liked and not to encourage the person to whom it's delivered. i long for worth, acceptance, clarrification of identity and love. All these are free gifts from You and yet i feel a need to earn them, i get so absorbed in this search i lose sight of anything beyond myself. Peter started to sink when he took his eyes of Jesus. i am sinking and i scream at You "what are You doing to me?" But i don't dare look You in the face through fear of seeing my shame in the light of Your perfection, and yet i know if i truly fixed my eyes on You all i'd see is Your perfection, that's all that would matter. G-d teach me to love, to truly love with the very depth and essence of the selflessness of the word. Teach me to fix my eyes on You alone and to let go of me, the preconcieved idea's of who i am.
Jesus have mercy on me.

"My love for you is never ending, you can not change it, you can not earn it or lose it. You put yourself down, hurt yourself and believe you deserve it. I pick you up, because in My eyes you are perfect. I won't stand for these cruel words of self doubt, in My eyes you are perfect and these words stand only to hurt what I created, who I love.
I am your rock, stand upon Me, I will never fail you, never let you down. Spend time with Me, I love to spend time with you. Learn to recognise My voice and listen to it, trust it. Walk in the paths I have laid out for you and you will forever be safe, safe in Me, safe in My arms. It's ok to hurt, to struggle, to even cry, the walk is hard but come to Me and I'll give you strength, take your hurt to Me and I'll heal you.
Listen to My voice, My gentle voice that stills the seas.
You are being tossed in the waves of but I will be your anchor."

What a beautiful G-d, what a gracious G-d, what an awesome G-d.

The journey ahead is full of promise.

Peace

Perspective

i tossed and turned on the waves of indecision, desperately searching for an anchor. When i stopped flailing i found i'd been sat on a rock the whole time.

Bright eyes, snow and never taken photographs.

Let the ambiguity remain.
Let me go.

Pour me out!

Sometimes i let all my inhibitions go. i open up, i'm confident and i'm me. Maybe i know who i am then, maybe i just don't care, i'm just happy to be. Almost inevitably at some point i get hurt and i run. i retreat back inside myself where it's safe, where my dreams comfort me and my blank face protects me, and if the face can't stay blank i'll grow a large beard and long hair so you can't see it.
i don't wanna run anymore, i want to wear my heart on my sleeve and leave it there, i want to give untill i have nothing left without hope of recieving anything in return, i want the pain to push me closer to G-d and not further from everything.
Pour me out!

A final goodbye

So i was sat in a coffee shop earlier today, as i love to do, and i noticed a man sat across from me. The creases in his tired face, the hat and coat he wore and the way he looked wind beaten all suggested he belonged at sea. i wanted to talk to him, i wanted him to tell me stories of ships and travelling confirming the past i'd imagined him for him. i was too much of a coward though, so his past remains a mystery to me, his stories remain untold and both me and him missed the chance for conversation, people connect far too little. i think the main force of fear that kept me pinned to my chair, my head stuck in my journal, was the fear of him disproving my theory. It would of saddened me to learn he spent his past working in a factory, he'd never left the city and the only stories he had to tell were of his struggle with the unrelenting hold of alcahol.
It got me thinkingn how G-d views his past. He knows him completely, He doesn't place preconceptions on him fearing that he would dissapoint, He knows who he is and He loves him for it. G-d would sit and listen lovingly whatever stories that man had to tell. i wish i'd spoken to him now, no, i wish i'd listened to him.

It's so foolish how i try to fool G-d and how i misunderstand Him. i have my preconceptions of how a "christian" should be and i falsely attribute those views to Him when He doesn't see me that way.
i've been starting to see recently how hard i am on myself,to qoute damien rice "G-d will forgive me but i whip myself scorn."

My hardest battle in life has been with depression, it's only recently i've submitted to use that word. After all how can a "christian" be depressed? Shouldn't G-d be everything? Doesn't that make me a failure? So i convince myself i'm fine and i, to use laura's very fitting words, beat my emotions into submission. i could never feel fine that way, the best i could do is not feel atall. i would close up and isolate myself, keeping distant anything (anyone) with the power to hurt me. i'd end up all alone just like i believe i should be. i came very close today to telling a good friend i didn't want to see her, speak to her or spend time with her anymore, simply because i care about her too much.

G-d spoke to me this morning, He said to stop taking matters into my own hands, to stop trying to heal myself, to stop trying to deal with those hurts in my own temporary way and to let Him bring lasting healing, but right now it seems like He's holding me in the most painful place and He wont let me leave till i learn the lesson i'm here to learn and i'm screaming at him "what do you want from me?" How can i not run away from this place? You can't blame me. When the depression's at it's worst i don't eat or sleep, right now i haven't eaten for hours, it's half 1 in the morning and i'm preparing myself for a night of watching films, sat alone, drinking rediculous amounts of coffee. There must be more than this. You can't blame me for dissapearing into my mind, to another place. Isolation's so lonely, it's so dangerous, but it feels so safe. In my mind i can be who i want to be, who i think i should be. i can be the perfect "christian", i can be funny, interesting, caring, a great musician. i can be a master of words, confident and the person everyone wants to spend time with. The person i can be in my dreams is not the person G-d made me to be, it's not how G-d see's me, but yet He still loves me. He wants to show me why and i want to learn.

No idea

Love in it's purest form is completely selfless, you care not for yourself. When it hurts so much to see how blatantly the feelings you have aren't returned then that love is flawed. G-d please fix me.

The sky, meant to fly.

i just saw the most beautiful sky, it was red and i caught sight of it through the bare branches of a tree. It would of usually made me smile, but it didn't, it seemed to drown me in sadness, it made me feel useless like i was comparing myself to it and found myeslf to be far more inferior. i gazed at it for about 5 minutes, my eyes fixated on the image that had been presented to me. i thought about how distant the sky was, how even though i could see it, i could not touch it, i could not possess it. In my moment of despondence i called out to G-d, then as if it was His answer (and i'm quite sure it was) the song "mountains high" by delirious was selected to play on my mp4 player.

"Sorrow came to visit us today
Was the longest day, was the loneliest day
Sorrow came to steal our hope away
Only tears can tell
Of this holy hour

This mountain's high, too high for us
This mountain's high, too high for us
Too high

Sorrow came quicker than a fire
Was the longest day, was the loneliest day
I feel your hand, the warmth, your sweetest smile
But you slipped away, through the great divide

This mountain's high, too high for us
This mountain's high, too high for us
This mountain's high, too high for us
This mountain's high, too high for us
Oh yeah
You know I'll make it

Your ways are high, too high for us
Your ways are too high, too high for us
Your ways are too high, too high for us
Your ways are too high, too high

Only you
only you
only you can pull me over it

Only you
only you
only you can pull me over it

Pull me, drag me, hold me, keep me, walk me while
you pull me over it
Take me, heal me, make me, break me, love me while
you pull me over it
Take me, heal me, make me, break me, love me while
you pull me over it"

Perfect.

There is a scripture that talks about G-d raising us up on wings like eagles. Maybe i can't reach the sky but G-d can, through Him i can.

i also remembered how when me and lydia broke up all those years ago she told me that she was holding me back and she said the words "you were meant to fly". Those words have stayed with me.
i'm meant to fly, i know that's true, to rise up through G-d much farther than i can reach, to rise up above this darkness.

Shalom