I seem to be asking a lot of questions today. I guess I feel the need for answers. I start this blog in the same manner.

Is there always a darkness in obsession? I've been thinking about T.V shows and how people get so addicted to them, I'm no exception, and I'll tell you why. We become the people we watch and escape from our own nightmares. For the moment that show is on I identify with the pretense on screen and have temporary relief from my own pain. Is it the same for everyone or is that just me?

I need to stop listening to bright eyes.

Peace, wherever it is found, however it is obtained, or is it freely given?

Everything seems to end and nothing seems to start.

As usual I come here after some time meaninglessly browsing facebook and listening to acoustic music that usually has a negative effect on my mood. If my blogs usually/often take a negative tone that's why. The things I speak about I generally look at with a fairly positive perspective, but when i come to express my thoughts in these blogs my mindset has shifted and the negative thoughts that were previously nagging at the back of my mind find an open path to pour out through my fingertips.
At current I have hit some serious confusion! I'm not really sure what path I'm on, never mind what path I need to take, all I know is this path seems to be leading to so many dead ends and no knew paths are appearing. Everything seems to end and nothing seems to start.
Last week I was asked to leave the band I was drumming in and Kevin messaged me to say he was working full time and can't carry on working on the ep at the moment. I'm still writing songs but I have neither the ability nor the facilities to anything with them. I miss being part of a band, I mean really being part, an integral part, it's been a long time now.
It's not just the music though obviously that was a huge part, I loved writing and I loved performing and recording but more than that I loved the unity. There's something beauty about the relationship you have with the other band members, it's a deep friendship, a joining, an understanding and a constant support. To be involved in such a unit gives such hope, purpose and joy, I miss it. I do have some awesome friends thought, tonight Fran and Shanks came over and we watched Ross Noble which was fun and very much a giggle. I feel like I'm becoming quite close friends with them, especially since the weeks camp. I'm very grateful for their friendship. Mike has been around recently and his faith has been an inspiration to me and again it's a priveleged friendship. There are many others too, I am very blessed and G-d is awesome.
Peace.

"Less yesterday, more today" Part 2

I'm currently listening to Kevin Devine, his music makes me sad, it's beautiful and not particuarly dark but my mind attatches thoughts and memorys to it that bring me down. But here I am listening so obviously a part of me wants to relive those memories, or do I like this sadness, maybe I take comfort in it or maybe the music's so beautiful that the sadness doesn't matter. Aaron Weiss wrote a song titled "The cure for the pain is in the pain" maybe that's the answer, maybe I'm letting myself drop down here in search of an answer to why I'm so susceptible to fall like this, or that I identify with the songs and feel I can express myself throug them, thus letting go of the sadness, hopefully. I think they're all right.
Anyway I got distracted I started writing this to further explore and explain the thoughts I was having and writing in here yesterday. After I signed out my mind ran wild with theory's ideas and some of what I thought to be truths. I started to see some clarity, or at least a light that was shining in it's general direction.
I got to thinking about a conversation I had with my friend Laura the other day. We were talking about gifts and what we thought ours were. I was saying about how I often try to look deep inside myself and explain every negative feeling that intrudes, tracing it back to the heart and identifying a problem there, I guess there's where it comes to the healing process and G-d has to take over there. She said she thought this was a gift and one that can be used to help other people. This explains to me why I write this and why I hope people will read it. This gives an insight in to that very process that goes on in my mind and maybe as I try to understand myself more I can help people understand theirselves too. Paul talks about not boasting in anything but Christ, I will boast in Christ and I will take pride in Him. I will express and use without shame the gifts he has given me (wether that be writing, thinking, music or anything else,) and hope that he blesses them and that they glorify Him. It would fill my heart with joy to see you do the same. G-d has given us a variety of gifts to use to worship Him and share Him with others, if we all started doing this what a beautiful picture it would paint, wont you join me on this canvas.
I think I might post a link to this blog on facebook. The mist is clearing and I'm starting to see who G-d's made me to be and I'm so grateful to be this person. G-d's an amazing artist.

I was just talking to my mum about my brother and how he has so much musical talent and yet seems to squander it with lack of passion or desire to do anything with it. If I only had such talent, oh the things I would love to do with it. When I was a child I never took the time to learn an instrument as I was obsessed with football, seriously it was my whole life. Now I regret that and wish I had took the time to learn and get good at guitar, piano, music theory and anything else that can lead to making creative sounds. Then I thought, "Less yesterday, more today" (Thanks Kevin) It's time to start working, start practicing and start getting good, and all for His glory.

Peace be with you friends.

"Less yesterday, more today."

It's been a while since I've written in here. The knowledge that no one reads it left the pages of my journal seeming more relevent and recieving.
I'm not moaning that no one reads it I don't exactly make an effort to publicise it. As it the case with so many of the thoughts I have in my mind, the things I do and the music I both listen to and play I long to share it with others but any effort to do so seems vain and prideful. This is a struggle my mind engages in on a day to day basis. A thought has just occured to me. Shouldn't everything I do be for G-d and not for the approval of man. G-d sees all things regardless of wether it's posted in a facebook status or not and if someone happens to come across my blog or hear one of my songs then that's a bonus but it's not an incentive for doing it and I guess before it's shared with other people I should check my motives. It's something to be aware of even though it leaves so many questions unanswered, for now I like the idea that if someone cares to ask, search or just stumbles across it then there is a small insight into my mind to be found, in all it's confusion. If you are reading this I guess you fit into one of those categories.
I find myself growing jealous of those who have a large receptive audience to express whatever they feel too. If I did have such an audience would I desire to express myself or G-d's love. I fear the answer and that is possibly the reason G-d has not granted me such an audience.
For now and forever all that matters is Him, I will search Him and get lost in Him.
Is expression and sharing of self vanity? It fills me with joy to see and hear others doing it but I feel guilty when I do so myself.
Peace be with you.