Shake it

From as far back as i can remember i had a feeling i just couldn't shake, shake nor identify. i did try and name it a few times. Depression, loneliness, anxiety and other such words all seemed obvious, too obvious. It was prominent in the quieter moments, times when i was alone and the early hours of the morning. If allowed it was overwhelming but there was no cure that i could see so i tried to ignore it and i got very good at this. Distractions was the name of the game and friends, hobbies and even work all fitted the description. My life became very busy, i became very tired, but i was winning, most of the time i was winning. Though less frequent when it did visit it was growing stronger and my whole life's purpose was to keep it away. Now i'm 23 and have hardly felt it in the last 2 years, i've hardly felt much at all. Love is dedication, joy is order and peace is control. Now i miss that feeling, do i miss the way it choked me? That feeling like i couldn't breathe? The heaviness in my chest? The despondency? No i don't miss any of these but i do miss the freedom, the reality and the sensitivity. Distractions, well they're just a lot of things to worry about that you don't care about. You miss every moment because you're afraid of the moment and after so many years this fades into your subconscious and this escape you created becomes your life, you reside but never once feel at home. This week i watched a film and everything came back. Maybe it was the story, maybe it was the soundtrack or maybe it was just the moment but i felt it again, and until it was there i had no idea how much i'd missed it. It stayed for about 24 hours. i felt sensitive, i felt open, vulnerable but peaceful. Work didn't drain me because there was some place inside me it couldn't reach and i could. Creativity seemed something not to be forced but to let out, like it was all waiting inside and the door was swung wide. It faded, that was inevitable but now i want to get back to that place. The difficulties, the side effects, i'm ready to face them now. It can't be worse than hiding. i tried to run away from a feeling but i only ran away from myself. i don't think it's something i can do, the idea of fighting my way back through reason or focus seems counter productive. i think my willingness is a start. That will do for now. i don't want to go back, i want to go forward, but along the right path.