Shake it

From as far back as i can remember i had a feeling i just couldn't shake, shake nor identify. i did try and name it a few times. Depression, loneliness, anxiety and other such words all seemed obvious, too obvious. It was prominent in the quieter moments, times when i was alone and the early hours of the morning. If allowed it was overwhelming but there was no cure that i could see so i tried to ignore it and i got very good at this. Distractions was the name of the game and friends, hobbies and even work all fitted the description. My life became very busy, i became very tired, but i was winning, most of the time i was winning. Though less frequent when it did visit it was growing stronger and my whole life's purpose was to keep it away. Now i'm 23 and have hardly felt it in the last 2 years, i've hardly felt much at all. Love is dedication, joy is order and peace is control. Now i miss that feeling, do i miss the way it choked me? That feeling like i couldn't breathe? The heaviness in my chest? The despondency? No i don't miss any of these but i do miss the freedom, the reality and the sensitivity. Distractions, well they're just a lot of things to worry about that you don't care about. You miss every moment because you're afraid of the moment and after so many years this fades into your subconscious and this escape you created becomes your life, you reside but never once feel at home. This week i watched a film and everything came back. Maybe it was the story, maybe it was the soundtrack or maybe it was just the moment but i felt it again, and until it was there i had no idea how much i'd missed it. It stayed for about 24 hours. i felt sensitive, i felt open, vulnerable but peaceful. Work didn't drain me because there was some place inside me it couldn't reach and i could. Creativity seemed something not to be forced but to let out, like it was all waiting inside and the door was swung wide. It faded, that was inevitable but now i want to get back to that place. The difficulties, the side effects, i'm ready to face them now. It can't be worse than hiding. i tried to run away from a feeling but i only ran away from myself. i don't think it's something i can do, the idea of fighting my way back through reason or focus seems counter productive. i think my willingness is a start. That will do for now. i don't want to go back, i want to go forward, but along the right path.

Pictures v Words

Everybody seems to be using blogs for pictures more than words these days. Like the faithful conformist i am i'm strongly considering buying a camera. Not because i've lost my love for words but i do like the idea of attaching relevant and potentially inspirational pictures to my rambles.

Tomorrow Tomorrow will be Today

Have you seen that episode in Scrubs where JD comes to terms with the idea that he wants what he can't have, it all concludes with the rather overplayed scene at the end with him finally getting his girl (elliott) and immediately realising he doesn't want her anymore. As you can probably guess from my unvaried and seemingly self obsessed format i am about to relate this to something in my life. Please don't be mistaken however and think the relation is direct, it is far from and i hope carries a higher degree of subtlety.
Do you ever watch a film and wish you were one of the characters, or think back on a memory and wish you were there. Do you ever long for change or endlessly plan for the future with the future always remaining the future and the plans always remaining just plans? If you do then maybe we should talk, we could go for a drink, sit around in a coffee shop discussing how we just can't seem to make it to whatever it is and looking around at everyone else wondering how they made it, or if not how they fail to make it with such style.
Time can be wasted thinking of better times, lives can be wasted hoping for better lives. Those memories of times you miss, really think back to them, was anything really that different or did you spend that time in your head doing exactly the same thing? Right now could be the time you're missing in 5 years, so why not enjoy it.
i remember when i started in my first band and wished i could be in a band that wrote it's own songs. i remember being in my first band that wrote it's own songs and wishing i could write my own songs. i remember writing my own songs and wishing i could perform them. i remember performing my own songs and wishing they were better. My dreams came true and before i had time to enjoy them i made new dreams. i'm not discounting an attitude to push yourself on and keep looking higher, contentment can be an enemy as much as a friend but i need to learn to enjoy these moments too. We'll never truly make it to the top, there is no top, just another rung on a never ending ladder, but i can try and get as high as possible and make sure i enjoy the climb.
Tomorrow i have some exciting plans, i shall write songs and compile some poems into a format maybe for sharing. i think i'm going to have fun doing it.
Bless you friends.