He is contentment!

It's strange how contentment can turn in to longing in a second. A memory brought back by a song or a photo, the sighting of something you want or just the realisation of something you don't have. In that second the life that previously felt satisfying and rewarding suddenly becomes empty and despondent. Why is this? How can perspective change so fast?

I have things I love that I don't have in my life, like a friend I know I can call anytime and know I can have a real chat with or a car I can get into and know I can just drive to anywhere. There are things I used to have or have experienced in the past that have gone and I miss, like long late night conversations with someone you feel completely open with or sitting round a campfire with an acoustic guitar.
I know I don't need these things because I'm happy not to have them when I don't think about them but when they come too mind they bring with them a longing.

I also have many thing I love that I do have in my life, I do have a good group of friends, I know have a band that I'm really excited about, I have music and most of all I have G-d. These things bring me joy and when I'm involved or thinking about them contentment, so alone they are enough to make me happy. I have G-d who no one can take away from me and as long as He is my focus I am happy. So when I feel a sadness for what I don't have or a longing I need only thing about what I do have, I need only think about G-d, this is all the contentment I need.

Forgotten

It's strange how things can change so suddenly. My blog the other day seemed so positive and I really believed at the time it would be the great change and the new start I needed. Now I sit alone in my room with only Bright Eyes and Jack Daniels to keep me company trying to chase away a sadness that will simply not die.
I guess I will never be free of this.
No need for clever words tonight, just a simple truth.
God is good but it seems for all the world like he's forgotten about me and he's not alone...unlike me.

Time to change

I have just been out taking my usual spot in the field, lying on the grass below the wall staring up at the stars and the full moon shining out, admiring that wonderful glow the moon gives to a dark field that I love so much. As I lay there listening to Manchester Orchestra I felt a sudden need for silence so took off the headphones and turned off the small electrical device that they were attatched to. The silence started to speak to me, or I should say G-d spoke through the silence, thoughts became clear and revelations followed, revleations about myself. I started to think about a friend and something became clear to me, the reason she's been on my mind alot. Something I decided to do everytime I thought about her was to stop my thoughts turning selfish, to my own hopes was pray for her, it really helped, but I realise now that's exactly why she was there, for me to pray for her. I wrote a poem once called Amy about this guy who failed to share the hope he had in G-d with this girl because he gave in to the selfish desires he had. We have that choice with every person we meet, there's always something we can take, or we can give, we give this amazing selfless Love G-d's put in our heart, we can give encouragement and hope. I got so caught up in what I wanted to take I forgot this. There's something special about her, obviously everyone's special and G-d has amazing plans for us all, but I just see it when I look at her. It's not just her selflessness and kindness but it's also this shine, I know it sounds clisshe (however you spell that word) but her face just shines a joy that's so amazing to see. I think that's what I saw that I wanted so much, that joy. A friend once told me that I had the same thing, no matter if I was tired, upset or whatever I had a brightness about me. I lost that! Through things that I have no need to go into I just lost it, I lost hope in me, in who G-d created me to be and I turned into a cynic. I got called cynical twice this week, once by dad and then by my mum, that's a wake up call, a Christian cynic, something's not right there. I also got told recently by someone I have a great respect for that I've lost something, they said I had such promise when I was this 16 year old kid leading a prayer and study group, encouraging others and praying for them, just in love with G-d and hungry to see what He could do through me, and I lost it. It was my 21st birthday this week and I actually went to an effort to hide it from people, so hardly any of my friends knew, because I didn't want people to "celebrate" me and I convinced myself this was humility, but it wasn't! It was like I wanted to be miserable, like I thought I deserved it, so a mostly unnoticed birthday seemed appropiate, maybe that only makes sense to me, I'm not even sure it does. I want to change, I will pray for that brightness back and I will commit every part of me to serve G-d and love others selflessly.
I'm thankful for this life G-d has given me, all the friends He has given me, the beautiful things like music and the fun things like football :) G-d has blessed me so much, now it's time to start living like it. For the first time in a long time, I'm thankful for who G-d created me to be. Although I kept talking to G-d and He was part of my life I kept so much from Him and lived my own way things are changing now and I'm sorry to anyone who's witnessed my selfishness, not that it wont happen again, but I'm gonna now live with my eyes fixed on Him and if I turn away I will turn back, He is my purpose and that is more than words.
Praise be to G-d!
Shalom.

Maybe I'm bipolar

I've been thinking maybe I'm bipolar
but I don't want medication, no tar.
I've done just fine on my own so far
with Jack Daniels, my books and these songs.

My old man says my synicism will fade
when I find a woman who stays.
The doctors have only given him a few more days
to watch me prove him wrong.

G-d told me our images were the same
and that my drinking gave Him a bad name,
but I refused to take responsibility or the blame,
we haven't spoken much since that day.

I love long train rides into new cities
where behind my headphones I swim in self pity
watcing the people so busy
chasing their lives away.

I long for a chat with a close friend,
one of those nights you hope don't end
and you believe your problems can mend
atleast for an hour or two.

I know lust is the great Christian killer
and my G-d she makes me a sinner,
but the sweat makes her skin seem to glimmer,
what do you expect me to do?

A thing of the past

She reminds me of myself the way she clings to me the way I clung to her untill I got hurt and I don't want that to happen to her.

So keep away, it's not yours to touch, it's not yours to hold, we're all alone and we're all growing old, so just let go.

We connect in the dark, we ignite a spark, as I sigh she groans, pressing bones to bones.

As she collapses in a heap I watch her still lifeless skin, so frail so thin and like this bond we share it will never last, life has a way of changing too fast.

We spill our seed inside vessels that wont last untill the future becomes a thing of the past.