i'm sorry

my blogs have taken a somewhat negative tone recently, i guess i've just been moaning. I've been thinking about it and i actually don't have the right to moan, i seem to focus on the negative and my perception of a situation mentioned in an earlier blog upset a good friend of mine, though she wasn't meant to read it haha.
Anyway my point is that i'm gonna try and view things more positively though i do admit i'm struggling at the moment, with the band splitting something i'd placed so much hope for my future in, but also other things, i just feel like everything's going wrong, but i know it's only cause i'm seeing it that way, i'm gonna try and be thankful though i don't feel like it, i have so much to be thankful for and i have a Hope no one can take away from me.

rejoice?

"Wouldn't it be wonderful if everything was meaningless? but everything is so meaningful and most everything turns to shit! rejoice"
So beautifully sang by david bazan in his pedro the lion days.
Everything seems so meaningless to me at the moment, like with the band mainly, with it's "impending doom" i just don't care anymore. It looks like we may not even get too play the songs after the album now cause we'll split straight away and i just don't see a point in doing the album now, i feel proper unmotivated and don't see a purpose anymore. I can't tell the band, no one reads these so it's ok, my little space to say what i'm really thinking and feeling and for me at the moment my life just involves a band that has no future and a girl who i care about too much and who doesn't care about me atall.
Everything turns to shit, rejoice? it's not as beautiful being meaningless as i thought it would be.

get a god damn job!

I went too see manchester orchestra and anathallo play the other night, it was real beautiful. The MO front man did some solo stuff which was awesome, there was one line he kept repeating that said, "maybe i should go back home and get a god damn job" i know i live at home and have a job but in a strange way that really applies to me. I don't think he should, he's an awesome musician with an awesome band where as i'm a bit stuck. My band splits this year, i'm the only one interested in doing it full time and now i'm going to be the only one in the band and it's like i'm thinking now maybe i should get a proper job or a proper education or something! and stop fooling myself that i could ever do a band full time.
I know no one ever reads this but that's good, it gives me a chance to moan without actually bothering anyone.

It was a long time ago now, but it still crosses my mind from time to time, mostly when i'm down,at the bottom of a bottle. And i think how i could of done things so differently and maybe you'd still bemine, and then i stop thinking selfishly as the soberness returns and i thank God you got away.At least you found someone to consume all your pain, my pain that i handed to you so graciousely butnow i'm holding it all alone, standing in the rain, watching the people go by, wishing i had somewhereto go, wishing i had someone too see. But i know i'm better off alone, and i would never put anyonethrough that again, i don't think i've got long left anyway, at least not inside, it's about time i died.I just hope you're all happy.