i could be so

Find the girl with beauty far greater than she could ever realise and she doesn't.
Whatever evil has dragged her out here is the reason she's left her guard down. she'll let you in tonight and you wont have to sleep alone.
When you turn the music up real loud, people only speak when they have something to say, small talk is for small minds and mine is full of ever widening despair with thoughts of you exposed.
This is not my home but i'll make the most of it while i'm here, if you don't smile they pry deeper and my mind is full of ever widening despair with thoughts of me.....alone,
but this is not about me, it's about who i could be.

hope is but a fading dream part 2

With the last year quickly gone, time was fast moving on and no matter how hard i tried, it was leaving me behind.
she had circles in her eyes, so i drew between the lines, put her ambitions down to rest, each day she loved me less and less.
i took a flower from the field rubbed it in my wounds till they healed and though it smelt so sweet, we were a step closer to defeat.
i watched you turn, i watched you sway as the wind carried you away, i'd been holding on so tight, now you're gone i feel so light. So much noise so much quiet, like a library and a riot, mix the two in to one, that how i feel now you're gone.
Another day waiting for your call, but i hear nothing atall, wasting time on distant hope is the only way i cope.

empty rooms

It feels so strange to walk around this house now, and see those empty rooms so full of memorys.
The living room where we'd chill, and the laughter would take us deep in to the night, the dining room where we'd push back the chairs and turn up the amps till the neighbours were knocking on the door. It seems like now all we ever do is drink and try to convince ourselves nothing ever changed.
When you are lucky enough to be so blesed you don't truly believe it could ever end, all we have now is our nostalgic remarks.... "whatever happened to those times?"
When we were young our stupid little dreams meant everything to us, now our dreams have grown old, we've taken different paths and drifted apart. This house is my past now and i'm leaving it behind, that doesn't mean i'm not grateful for those times, but with my life packed in boxes and and set upon a new path, maybe like the eagles my youth can be renewed.

another one

i typed a few words in to my phone at work today, sorta turned in to a song, here's the words :)

we sat in the cold and u spoke so slow, like you were waiting for the words to fall from the sky. You said you'd "never felt as lost as that night when i found you, all alone picking apples from the forbidden tree," and you looked such a sorry sight but that was beautiful to me.
i opened my heart and i opened my eyes, to see you had done the same, and when you get too far away i remind myself your skin and bone just like me.
I sipped my drink, you downed yours quick, like someone had stirred in the answers you were searching for. I was lost for words, as if they could help, you just held your glass out like you were asking for more, but i had nothing to give you and i was so scared i might take from you, so i just left.....left you sitting there.

overcome

I said my goodbyes with a solemn remark, but no convincing stopped this pounding inside of my heart, beating in time to a different story, screaming this is not the end.
Words and confusion mix in my mind and flow out like a the river that brought me here. I guess it's pride that keeping me here, we all make mistakes, i acted like a fool, i acted like a man. "So sorry to tumble this throne", and now i see, i'm no different to you but at least we're in this together and we'll always overcome.

under the sheets

The taste of wine on her lips, the only reason you're not alone tonight.
Alone in this dark room, you would die tonight.
The way you clasp your cold hands between your knees as the feeling returns, a reminder of why
you should never touch a frozen heart, but there's peace in the quiet when the lord speaks.
There's something in your mind that compels you to hurt those who care most about you.
There'll be nothing left to care about soon, for now at least you have your goodbyes and the memory of how she smiled when she lay.... under the sheets.

freedom

What is freedom? We have the freedom to feel but all i want is freedom from feelings.

eyes down

I keep these eyes to the ground so no one can see inside, eyes once so wide open but now my heart is battered and bruised. I can't take another lonesome fall.
They tell me there's a love that can break through this barrier, but you seem so distant, and i know i'm the one to blame but my strength has run out so could you shoulder a little blame?
She looks so warm as i watch her from afar and wander, could she be the one to revive my heart? As she draws closer i found myself...... looking down again.
I'd like nothing more than to see her face but i can't take another rejection and i don't believe i could ever be accepted, not any more. So is this where it ends? A lifetime in this childish phase, i see the days pass me by knowing it could be so different, but too afraid to make the step and too confused to know which way to make it anyway.
Could you please give me a little strength and guide me along the way, cause i don't wanna waste another day.
"You can all the strength you need my child, just follow me and you'll be ok"

an artists pain

My dreams are like a rainbow made from tears and the light in my eyes but the closer i get the further they move away and they're gone when the sunlight fades.
There's someone in the distance following the same road as me, but these tired legs hold me back, the closer i get the further they move away and they're gone when the sunlight fades.
My fingers are freezing as i turn these ideas in to something tangible but i can't trust my mind to retain anything these days, it just slips down in to my heart where it's lost forever more.
The door was open to her but she was so right not too step inside where she'd of been closed up and lost forever more.
She used to watch me walk that gravel path towards her house but how she's closed the door and i'm lost forever more.
Atleast you can't get lost when you're walking in circles i say and you look away and reply, "the only way out is to let someone inside."

scared out of my mind

A brave face on and words too match, this is not the end it's just the next step.
It's not that i don't trust Him, it's just i'm scared out of my mind, 'cause my mind's a scary place to be.
i remember the days we thought this would never end, travelling across the country in worn and battered cars, we were on top of the world.
Must i carry this on alone when we've fought to get this far? 'cause i don't think i have what it takes, but i'm not ready to give up now. So i'll just be grateful for the times we've shared and the way you've shaped the future for this, and i'll do my best too keep it alive.

i'm sorry

my blogs have taken a somewhat negative tone recently, i guess i've just been moaning. I've been thinking about it and i actually don't have the right to moan, i seem to focus on the negative and my perception of a situation mentioned in an earlier blog upset a good friend of mine, though she wasn't meant to read it haha.
Anyway my point is that i'm gonna try and view things more positively though i do admit i'm struggling at the moment, with the band splitting something i'd placed so much hope for my future in, but also other things, i just feel like everything's going wrong, but i know it's only cause i'm seeing it that way, i'm gonna try and be thankful though i don't feel like it, i have so much to be thankful for and i have a Hope no one can take away from me.

rejoice?

"Wouldn't it be wonderful if everything was meaningless? but everything is so meaningful and most everything turns to shit! rejoice"
So beautifully sang by david bazan in his pedro the lion days.
Everything seems so meaningless to me at the moment, like with the band mainly, with it's "impending doom" i just don't care anymore. It looks like we may not even get too play the songs after the album now cause we'll split straight away and i just don't see a point in doing the album now, i feel proper unmotivated and don't see a purpose anymore. I can't tell the band, no one reads these so it's ok, my little space to say what i'm really thinking and feeling and for me at the moment my life just involves a band that has no future and a girl who i care about too much and who doesn't care about me atall.
Everything turns to shit, rejoice? it's not as beautiful being meaningless as i thought it would be.

get a god damn job!

I went too see manchester orchestra and anathallo play the other night, it was real beautiful. The MO front man did some solo stuff which was awesome, there was one line he kept repeating that said, "maybe i should go back home and get a god damn job" i know i live at home and have a job but in a strange way that really applies to me. I don't think he should, he's an awesome musician with an awesome band where as i'm a bit stuck. My band splits this year, i'm the only one interested in doing it full time and now i'm going to be the only one in the band and it's like i'm thinking now maybe i should get a proper job or a proper education or something! and stop fooling myself that i could ever do a band full time.
I know no one ever reads this but that's good, it gives me a chance to moan without actually bothering anyone.

It was a long time ago now, but it still crosses my mind from time to time, mostly when i'm down,at the bottom of a bottle. And i think how i could of done things so differently and maybe you'd still bemine, and then i stop thinking selfishly as the soberness returns and i thank God you got away.At least you found someone to consume all your pain, my pain that i handed to you so graciousely butnow i'm holding it all alone, standing in the rain, watching the people go by, wishing i had somewhereto go, wishing i had someone too see. But i know i'm better off alone, and i would never put anyonethrough that again, i don't think i've got long left anyway, at least not inside, it's about time i died.I just hope you're all happy.

disturbing a bus

I went to the cinema today with my good friend hobbs, we watched "no country for old men" which was ok.
Me and tim (hobbs) always have the weirdest conversations and on the bus on the way back we got off on one of our weird tangents. We must of been talking quite loudly cause i noticed the whole bus seemed to be silent and listening in, and most probably very disturbed. One girl had even taken one ear out from her music, she had obviousely caught something in the silence between songs and was interested haha.
Hobbs chose this moment to say the worst thing ever, we were for some reason talking about 9/11. I think i said something about how i used to go on the old flight simulators and crash in to the twin towers as a young inmature kid, then hobbs says the funniest but worst thing too say with a crowded bus listening in. He goes "it wasn't that great really though was it? i mean hitting one of the worlds biggest buildings, woopdydoo! it's a huge target, not so hard, they should have hit something smaller, that would of been impressive." The best thing was that if you looked round the bus everyone face read, "that's wrong you can't say that" It amused me anyway so i thought i'd share it with you.

silence

The silence is still there inside buried beneath the noise, like the summer grass choking beneath the autumn leaves, cause sound doesn't drive the quiet away it just covers it up.
Turn over the leaves, turn over a new leaf, through your death you will survive 'cause through his death you are alive. Do you ever feel like you're living inside your mind? What use are dreams if they stay that way?
We're united in our sadness, in our misery we are one, if we just sit there in silence it will do more than dreams ever could.


Just a short song i wrote today, it has element of rumi and khalil gibran in it, though they said it better than i ever could.

Their hearts are aligned though they stand in twisted lines.
Their words are inconsistent but always gratefully recieved, they say it's not the situation but the way it's percieved.
They don't tell you how to live they just show you with their lives and how could you ever resist such perfect peaceful smiles.
Their joy comes with their separation from the world, when everything is meaningless there's nothing left to bring you down.

Every heart longs for such perfect unity but so many hearts are empty, they don't know where it's found. My heart is longing for such perfect unity but my heart is still empty and growing tired of this search.

Love surrounds your every being, it's visible in your eyes, the world they wont accept you but you're above their jealous lies.
How i long to be up there with you but the reach is simply too far, i could never get close to the great example that you are.
Gentle words flow off your tongue like living water awakening the spirit of every person you encounter, but each word i concieve sounds empty and contrived, limited by this body i'm trying so hard to leave behind.
I place hope in thoughts i could never read all the time knowing only one opinion should matter to me.
Your love is pure and like sweet oil on my head, if only i could give you more than this.

But you accept me despite my every blemish, you believed in me like no one else ever would. Your grace has given me a chance to be so much more.
I was lowly and abandoned yet still beautiful in your sight.
You say just live your life as worship and leave the rest to me, it doesn't matter how you feel, just know the truth and keep believing it.

drought

I've had a real writers block with my song lyrics and poems etc. recently.
It was like it lifted for just a moment tonight, i started to write a song and i was happy with the words, they weren't happy words and they weren't like i usually write but i was happy with them.
The block soon returned, i was left staring at the page without a clue where to go from here, then there was a powercut, just for a second, but long enough to mean the computer shut down and i hadn't saved the song. The little bit of creativity i have had this month taken away. I could try and remember it but it wouldn't be the same and i was stuck anyway, i guess it put me out of my misery.
All i can do is hope it returns soon, i'm gonna go to bed, new days hold the promise of better things.

Why is is that the people who have the most, complain the most?
I'm guilty of this, i have a great family, a comfortable house, a stable job, a supportive band and most of all im a free 'cause of God's love and that's all i need, yet somehow i have this strange idea that i need so much more.
I spend a lot of time at work listening, listening to people sit, drink coffee and talk about, well life i guess. These are people who have money to throw away, and they do, yet all they talk about is their misfortune and how they've been screwed by the government, i would personally like the government to throw these people on the street and see how screwed they feel then.
You see the ones who've really been screwed, drinking dirty water in a hot country struggling to find food to stay alive while they burn all the day with no shelter from the hot sun, why is it that these are the happy people, the ones with the smile on their face appreciating the little they have. Please take all i have, i'd rather be one of them. I think i'm starting to understand why Jesus said it is better to store up riches in heaven. It's true the treasures of this earth are nothing.
shalom.

Blood Red

Blood red and olive green light shroud our disfigured nights. This bottles all i have now but i watch the road from my window as if i'm waiting for someone, well it's been 3 years now and i'm still here alone, does nothing ever change?
If i were a street lamp I'd shine out proud, confident I'm lighting their way home.
If i were a tv set I'd laugh out loud, confident i'll never be alone.
If i have to stay in this forsaken room with my forgotten dreams for one moment more, G-d only knows what i'll do.
This bottles half empty now and so is my mind, there's some memory's to deep for the drink to destroy, some hurts too strong to let go.
Blood runs red when the knife cuts in deep, if only answers were as simple as this.

stars

There's a line in a "bright eyes" song, where Conor sings "stars that clear have been dead for years but the idea still lives on"
The light from a star takes years to reach the earth so we can still see it in the night sky after it's gone out.
It would be easy here to get in to a philisophical debate contemplating wether or not the star at this point would still exist, i must admit with the thought of sounding clever and meaningful this is shamefully tempting, but it's meaningless wether or not the star exists.
I believe there's a more interesting point too take from this fact and the poetic genius of mr oberste. Without the source what remains of the light will inbetibly eventually fade.
That for me put's a new light (if you'll exuse the pun) on the section in scripture where we (the believers) are told to "shine like stars."
I love stars, i know the love of stars and the night sky is so clice, but as cheesy as it is to say it, i love lying on my back at night looking at stars and the moon, admiring the creation of G-d. I hate the fact that the concept of stars has been so misused.
I often watch the stars out my bedroom window aswell, when i first look out i can often only see a few but when i switch of the rooms light, it's like the sky suddenly lights up.
I wont explain the message i found behind that but leave you to consider it for yourself, kinda like Jesus did so wisely with his parables, the more i can learn from and live like Jesus the better.

Hope and Change

2008
It's been named the year of hope.
I was taking to my sister earlier and she told me that 8 is the number of new begginnings.
Both of these have been really relevent for me recently.
I've had a bit of a writers block since the new year, my songs just don't flow like they used too.
I guess it's time for change, a new start, somewhere else.
When this album's been recorded the band won't have much time left anyway, i guess i'll just travel.
Most of my songs recently have been about how i'm sick of this place but i'm sick of writing about this place, it's a dreadful circle that i wont break untill i leave, i'll just have to ride my time till the album's finished and at least the sadder this place makes me the more feeling i'll sing with on the album.
Me and tom we're talking earlier about writing, he's had a bit of a block too, he was saying he's gonna start writing more about other people, i think i should try that, i'm tired of writing about me and it may put some fresh perspective on things.