Remember

Change, I long for it, then when it comes I miss the familiar, contentment is ever so evasive, but I'm learning and I'm trying to embrace a new perspective.
Right now I sit in a small dark room upstairs in the house I moved into a few weeks ago. I love it here, my friend Pete who I'm living with is a bit of a legend and I feel like we've made the most of this house. We're blessed that's for sure. Sky Sports, Darts, music and PES have become the most used features and I feel like I'm learning to relax and just enjoy life rather than pushing myself and beating myself up all the time. Things are looking up, the world cup's on, it's been crap so far but it's on and I'll enjoy every minute. Things in Early to the Vineyard are awesome and I can't quite believe we're going to be on tele. More important than that though I'm enjoying playing the songs and just being with the guys more than ever. I think that's important, enjoy what you have, be grateful for it, thank G-d for it, but also in thanks give it back to Him. Me and Pete have talked a lot about how seeming we're blessed with this wonderful house we'd love to share it, to use it to bless others in whatever way that works out. Music's blessed me, I want to use it to bless others, and as I learn more and more that this life is a blessing I want my life to be one that blesses others too.
I think back now on all those times I sat and wrote in this blog, moaning, upset at what I didn't have or at some mess I couldn't take my mind from when all the time I was so blessed. My family, my band, my friends, the fact that I have a job, somewhere to live, this computer, the chance to write this, so much freedom, a vote, sports, games, laughs, my guitars, my church and so very much more, these are all so beautiful and yet take all these things from me and I am still blessed because I have my G-d, the one who died on a cross for me, the one to whom nothing could ever compare, this is the greatest joy of all. let me not forget that.
I can't promise that I won't be back here again sometime once again moaning or expressing thoughts of sadness but I hope that when I do maybe I'll scroll down and this entry will serve as a reminder, a light shining amongst dark posts.
G-d let me not forget you.
I am thankful for who I am and I'm thankful for who you are too, whoever that is. So often I look at the brilliance of others and am saddened by the way I could never compare. Yet G-d made me and I will make the most of who He made me to be and try to appreciate the brilliance of others instead of longing for comparison.
I've just realised that this probably sounds like some cliched reformation, it just feels like a steady revelation to me.
My friends be blessed and don't forget that you are.
Shalom.

....better....

I'm doing better, last night's perspective was strange. G-d is good, His Grace is endless, even when things hurt.
Let love be your joy, the joy that wounds.
Peace

Only myself

Maybe the short post just wont suffice.
Truth is I'm feeling pretty broken right now. When a thing of beauty becomes a thing of need you distort it. When things get distorted I hate who I become, I crave attention and act like a fool to get it. It's like I'm watching myself cringing at every sad desperate display. I'm struggling to like myself right now. I am to myself like that annoying and embarrassing friend that follows you around, dragging you down. The night air seems cool and appealing, but I know how ever much I walk I shall never escape myself. The space will help though and really, what else have I to do? It's been hours since I've eaten, it will probably be a long time till I eat again, sleep will prove evasive for a few days too. I don't come out of this cycle easy, the trick is not to get into it. I thought I'd sussed that one, who was I fooling? Only myself. I am only myself, how will that ever do?

Words should never be spoken

I finally have internet again, I was going to mark this occasion with an in depth update of all things. All things seems so meaningless now in the face of realising what a mess I am! All this time I've been fine have I just been pretending? "Someone show me a way out of this cycle."

Where have you gone?

It seems that when I write I always try and present answers. A friend at work always says to me "you always have to be right don't you Josh?" This confused me at first as I'll happily admit when I'm wrong and wont try and argue my point. It made more sense to me when I realised how I always strive for answers. For my problems, my questions, others peoples questions and problems, I like to think I can figure it all out. I can't.

One question on my mind right now, where has G-d gone?

It seems that me and many of my friends are struggling at the moment with feeling like G-d's distant, friends with strong relationships with Him feel like they can't connect there anymore. So has G-d just dissapeared? I don't think so, but I don't know what He's doing. I don't have to know, He's G-d, who am I to question Him. I'd rather just trust Him. He is good! He is love! He is everything!

Space

If time didn't fill up so fast my posts here would be longer and more frequent. I hate the rush of life right now, it does more than cause me to run for busses or wolf down my breakfast, it clouds my mind. I forget things, I mess up things and that seems to be getting me in to a lot of trouble at the moment. Worst of all I just can't prioritise, I struggle to pray and I can't really evaluate my perception on the important things because I can't understand it, I can't order my thoughts, it's all just a cloudy mess.
I miss long walks, I miss sitting and reading or praying or thinking or listening to music or chatting or just being. I miss being and am sick of all this doing.
G-d cut through the cloud, give me space, give me light.
Shalom.

Ocean

I am terrified when I think upon the vastness of the ocean, I am reminded most assuredly of my own inferiority. How small I am in comparison, how easily I could be swallowed up, yet I feel compelled to jump in, my arms spread wide, hoping somehow to hold it and to be held within.

"A fish swims in the sea yet the sea is in a certain sense contained within the fish. Oh what am I to think of what the writings of a thousand lifetimes could not explain if all the forest trees were pens and all the oceans ink?"